- Customs Officer: [finding a jar of coffee in Klemper's bag] You're bringing instant coffee to Brazil? I won't dignify this by confiscating it!
- [Customs Officer makes Klemper open the jar and empty the contents into the trash]
- Caesar: After all, no greatness is possible without a little intelligent madness, is it?
- Klemper: Ah, you put that beautifully. Let me write that down.
- Caesar: Well now, give credit where credit is due, sir. I believe it was Hitler who said that, sir.
- Klemper: It just goes to show you - there's nothing new under the sun. Nothing changes but man's capability for change.
- Caesar: Oh, that's lovely too. Who said that?
- Klemper: Napoleon.
- Marcus Pendleton: [discussing his dream of a musical career with Caesar Smith] You can't afford an orchestra and, I mean, even the baton's become prohibitive with the new tax slapped on it.
- Prison Governor: Four hundred pounds rebate? On my salary? I could end up in jail.
- Marcus Pendleton: Oh, no. These things are open to interpretation. All I'm doing is to interpret the rules in a manner favorable to you.
- Prison Governor: You should be in politics, not in prison.
- Marcus Pendleton: Well, in a way, I was, wasn't I? When they caught me embezzling at the Conservative Central Office.
- Prison Governor: Yes, I could never understand why you chose that of all places.
- Marcus Pendleton: [after a pause, says sternly] I'm a Liberal.
- Prison Governor: Oh.
- Prison Governor: Remember that science is catching up with the embezzler, hmmm? You were caught by a computer, not by the police. It's going to put embezzlers irrevocably out of business.
- Marcus Pendleton: The way I see it, sir, science is closing in on all of us, isn't it?
- Pendleton's Landlady: So you're a traffic warden now? That's a nice steady job.
- Patty: Yeah, I got fired today.
- Pendleton's Landlady: Whatever for?
- Patty: Well, I haven't the heart to give anyone a ticket. It's wicked trying to park out West. I let them treble park right along the Strand, see.
- Prison Governor: Marcus... you still here? It's 12:30.
- Marcus Pendleton: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I'm just finishing your income tax returns.
- Prison Governor: [as he shuts the cell door so they are alone] Oh, that's very kind. But you know we like our prisoners to leave at mid-day on the day of departure. I do, um, think about putting a notice up in every cell.
- Marcus Pendleton: Oh, that's a very good idea. It'd liven up the old walls. There you are, sir, if I may.
- [He hands the tax papers to the governor]
- Marcus Pendleton: [handing the tax forms to the governor] I've taken the liberty of signing for you, sir, if you'll just check the signature.
- Prison Governor: [looks over the tax return] Good grief!
- Marcus Pendleton: Anything like it? It's not the only trade I learned here, sir.
- Prison Governor: No... well, we do our best...
- Marcus Pendleton: I'll always be grateful for it, sir.
- Gentlemans Club Member: Is this your first time at the club?
- Marcus Pendleton: This club, yes! I'm just down from the North.
- Klemper: ... it's the president of the corporation in New York. He's at that age - a senior citizen. A little more "senior" than "citizen." In fact, he's been seen playing golf without a ball lately.
- Caesar: Oh, dear. How do you score that?
- Klemper: He's the president of the firm. You score it so he wins!
- Elderly Gentleman card player: [Marcus has been pumping the card players for names of top-notch computer experts. The eldest player is irritated by all the talk] If this keeps up, I shall violate a lifetime principle and play bridge with women.
- Patty: If I do get lonely, I think I'd probably, you know, keep to myself. Yeah, well that's the trouble with most people. That's what they all do. Keep it to themselves. Well, I've got beyond that. I'm so lonely I could scream it from the rooftops.
- Patty: It's just I'm sorry about the curry.
- Caesar: Oh, no mind about that. I was dreading that. You know, I hate curry.
- Patty: Do you?
- Caesar: Yeah.
- Patty: Yeah, I hate it too. It's vile idn't it?
- Caesar: Vile. It is vile. Yes, it is.
- Patty: I've got a couple of bangers if you'd like them.
- Caesar: Well, now, look here, I don't want to impose.
- Patty: Oh, well, shut up. Light the candles. They're on the mantlepiece.
- Caesar: Have a deck of cards?
- Patty: Yeah, in that dr... hey, you're not gonna start playin' cards. I just asked you to marry me.
- Caesar: I know, but if you shuffle them and then cut with the queen of hearts I'll marry you
- Patty: Oh, you will. Yeah, let's get the cards.
- [Patty finally exposes the Queen of Hearts after many cuts]
- Caesar: [after Patty tells him she is pregnant] I'll be expected to tell him the facts of life when I'm just beginning to discover them myself.
- Caesar: You know, Mr. Klemper, sir, a criminal is lost without information. And it matters little to his twisted mind whence that information comes.
- Patty: Mr. Smith, are you afraid of women?
- Caesar: No. Why should I be? Women? No. Oh, mark you, I haven't known very many in my life, apart from mother.
- Patty: You were fond of your mother, is that it?
- Caesar: No, no. I hated her. Very hateful. She couldn't cook, you see, and all through my youth, I remember having to eat the muck she dished up and pretend to like it. She was very sensitive, quite apart from being a bad cook.
- Patty: [bringing home a large zippered satchel filled with cash] What you got in here? It weighs a ton.
- Caesar: Oh, open it up. I've got no secrets from you.
- Patty: What you brought back? Dear, this is money, idn't it?
- Caesar: Yeah. They told me it was, yes. I wouldn't believe them at first.
- Patty: There's about 1 million pounds here.
- Caesar: You've got the exact right figure, you have. I got a slight raise.
- Patty: Where did you get... You would never. You've been stealing!
- Caesar: Well, you want to be careful what you say, you know. Any fool can steal. Everybody does a bit. I've been embezzling.
- Patty: Is that what you've been doing on all them trips? Yeah, I thought it was the "other" you were doing.
- Caesar: I would never do anything dishonest like that. Patty!
- Caesar Smith: Are you offering me a job?
- Marcus Pendleton: Oh, yes.
- Caesar Smith: Oh, I was afraid of that. Please don't.
- Marcus Pendleton: I happen to be a bachelor, but, I've got my passion too. Not moths. I'm not a moth man. I think, I don't want to be a moth man. But, I appreciate moth men.
- Caesar: Hand in a confidential report, to me, of your management concepts. I don't care what's in there, so long as its confidential. Make it look good. Whether its true or not, I leave that to you.
- Pritchard: Fifty years behind the times. Do you know we produce an egg beater that would look old hat to Queen Victoria.
- Patty: It was ever so nice of you to see me, Mr. Gnatpole.
- Gnatpole: Oh, not at all. I mean, the fact that, well, you called me, I'd like to sort of consider that a, well, a bond of friendship. And there is nothing more beautiful on earth than - friendship.
- Patty: Oh. Oh, no. Now, I agree. It's beautiful - particularly between, well, people.
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