- Commissioner Sir Charles Braithwaite: I think it only fair to say that your being brought in on this case was not my idea.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You are too modest.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: There is a time to laugh and a time not to laugh, and this is not one of them.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I shall let that pass, since you cannot possibly know whose leg it is that you are pushing.
- Commissioner Sir Charles Braithwaite: [clutching a bottle of wine just ruined by Clouseau] I've nursed this bottle since Dunkirk.
- Reporter: Could you give us a statement please?
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Yes. Chocolate makes one very thirsty.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I ruin everything I touch.
- Lt. Lisa Morrel: Hey, what's the matter with you?
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [close to tears] Arrested twice, I destroy a phone booth at a railroad station... I steal from a nun, I don't know my own face. A man comes up to me with, with my own face tied on, I don't recognize who it is. I don't... I don't deserve to have this autographed picture of Sean Connery!
- [takes a picture from back pocket and tears it apart]
- Commissioner Sir Charles Braithwaite: You must trust no one. The viper in our bosom could be anyone.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I suspect everyone!
- Commissioner Sir Charles Braithwaite: You will report only to me.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And what makes you think I trust you?
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And now since we are becoming so chummy, perhaps you can tell me about the Great Train Robbery.
- Addison Steele: I don't know nothing!
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: He who don't know nothing, must know something, eh?
- Meg: Do you know something about machinery?
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I don't know something about machinery, I know everything about machinery.
- Lt. Lisa Morrel: Hey, what about the crooks?
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The crooks never sleep and neither does Clouseau.
- Police despatcher: [on police radio] That's our final report. Over and out.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Roger and goodbye.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [shouting] You'll soon be laughing at the other side of my face, my friend!
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Anonymity is a virtue. Every fool knows that. Anonymity's next to cleanliness and I don't have to tell you what that's next to.