Dick Van Dyke credited as playing...
Jack Albany
- Jack Albany: Why'd they call a tough kid like you a sissy name like Florian?
- Florian: It's a tough name!
- Jack Albany: [Acting as Ace Williams] What's your name, punk?
- Florian: Florian.
- Jack Albany: Florian? Why'd they call a tough kid like you a sissy name like Florian?
- Florian: It's a tough name.
- Jack Albany: I get nervous when I don't have a weed.
- [Florian hands him a pack of cigarettes]
- Jack Albany: You save the coupons?
- Florian: How do you think I got my knife?
- Lenny: Coffee and group therapy at Walgreen's?
- Jack Albany: Oh, I can't tonight, Lenny. I got a soap tomorrow. I haven't even looked at the script yet.
- Lenny: Maybe it's better that way.
- Jack Albany: Look, punk. It so happens, I don't like somebody holding a sticker on me. And I got a heat. I'm on the verge of makin' you very dead.
- Florian: [Folds his jackknife] So, I put it away.
- Frank Boley: So this is the big killer man from Frisco.
- Florian: Yeah. Frank Boley, this is Ace Williams.
- Frank Boley: You don't look so dangerous to me.
- Jack Albany: [Acting as Ace, turns to Florian] Some of you boys here in the East a little short on manners, punk?
- Frank Boley: [Leans over to Florian] Maybe your friend would like to teach me some.
- Jack Albany: [Again, to Florian] Ask him when he wants me to tear him apart. Before I meet the boss or after?
- Frank Boley: [Again, leans over to Florian] Tell him it's no difference to me.
- Florian: Look, after, huh. We're late and Joe's sore.
- Jack Albany: [to Florian] For the sake of the punk, I'll defer the pleasure.
- Frank Boley: Likewise.
- Jack Albany: Well, Pepé's too kind. I'll admit, when I kill somebody, even I don't know what happened.
- Leo Joseph Smooth: I heard about that big run-in you had with the Treasury boys.
- Jack Albany: Yeah, yeah, I heard that.
- Leo Joseph Smooth: Well, you were there.
- Jack Albany: Well, I heard you heard.
- Leo Joseph Smooth: You all right now?
- Jack Albany: Yeah, I limp a little on the leg. You know how...
- Leo Joseph Smooth: I thought he gottcha in the shoulder.
- Jack Albany: He did, yes... It hit a nerve. Affected my leg. I still limp on it.
- Leo Joseph Smooth: I wanna be remembered.
- Jack Albany: Well, as it is if you wouldn't be?
- Leo Joseph Smooth: Oh, yes, in some circles, but... Dillinger, Capone, Bugsy Moran. Those are names the whole world knows. They live on through the deeds associated with 'em.
- Leo Joseph Smooth: You know, Bobby used to be a fighter. Pretty good, too.
- Bobby Macoon: Eight years in the ring.
- Leo Joseph Smooth: Now he's my communications expert.
- Jack Albany: Oh, still listening for the bell, huh Bobby?
- Jack Albany: [Speaking nabout Frank Foley] I got a parlor trick. In one second I make him dead and catch him before he hits the floor.
- Leo Joseph Smooth: Uh, when the time comes, I'll make him dead myself.
- Jack Albany: You, uh, belong to Joe's organization, sweetheart?
- Sally Inwood: Sure thing. I head up the mob's fine arts division.
- Jack Albany: You're puttin' me on.
- Sally Inwood: Am I?
- Jack Albany: Well, I ,just wanna know how cozy you are with Joe. I mean, I like your style, but then, uh, he' the boss.
- Sally Inwood: Before you go any further, hot stuff, let me tell you something out of pure generosity. I have been living alone in New York City for four years. I know how to take care of myself.
- Jack Albany: Well, I like a girl with spirit.
- Sally Inwood: And for the record, my relationship with Mr. Smooth is strictly teacher-pupil. My relationship with you is nothing.
- Leo Joseph Smooth: What happened?
- Frank Boley: He got fresh with the artist and she took care of him.
- Jack Albany: I should have killed her.
- Leo Joseph Smooth: Francis.
- [Francis picks Jack up off the floor]
- Leo Joseph Smooth: He thanks you, he relaxes, and you kill him. Now, how do you figure you'll do it?
- Jack Albany: [Acting as Ace Williams] Do what?
- Leo Joseph Smooth: Kill him.
- Jack Albany: Oh, well maybe a shiv at the base of the medulla oblongata. Or, maybe I'll paralyze the clavichord. All depends on how I feel at the time.
- Cowboy Schaeffer: Who died?
- Jack Albany: My Aunt Gladys.
- Cowboy Schaeffer: Well, we all gotta go sometime.
- Jack Albany: Only person who ever loved me.
- Cowboy Schaeffer: Now pull yourself together.
- Jack Albany: I'd give anything if I could see her again. Anything.
- Cowboy Schaeffer: What happened to her?
- Jack Albany: Well, she was makin' book in Oakland and they caught her on the take and dropped her in the bay. Splash!
- Cowboy Schaeffer: That's rough.
- Jack Albany: [On a ledge outside Sally's window] Do you want me to fall off of here and beak my neck?
- Sally Inwood: Would you?
- Jack Albany: That's a terrible thing to say.
- Sally Inwood: Well, be insulted and go away.
- Jack Albany: Help!
- Sally Inwood: You really are insane.
- Jack Albany: Whatever you say. Just help me up.