- Miss Mary La Rue: Cut! Cut! Stop the music! I will not do this scene until those damn dildos know their steps! I am an actress!
- John Smithee: Shit we can make a fucking good bitch of a bastard movie if we all pull together and work as a whore-loving cunt-penis team.
- Harry Schechter: Look, would you get on the phone. Get me a stunt-cock. One that doesn't scare easily.
- Rosie: Stunt-cock? Did you just ask me for a stunt-cock?
- Harry Schechter: Stunt-cock!
- Rosie: Stunt-cock. Where can I find that? In the Yellow Pages?
- Asst Director: Music, Dick. And action, Mary!
- Miss Mary La Rue: Oh, Belles.
- Dancer, Dancer, Dancer, Dancer: [singing] We're just dancing dildos are we, Dancing you see just for you, We're just dildos out on a spree, Happy to be here with you, Dancing dildos we meet the test, We'll stand up tall and then you do the rest...
- Miss Mary La Rue: I don't like any of the other people on this picture.
- Harry Schechter: That's okay. They don't like you either.
- Harry Schechter: Well, would you like to tell us a little bit about yourself. What have you done?
- Joy Full: Oh, I've done - fellatio and straight fucking and some minor bestiality, too.
- Dick Davis: [singing] I'm not deformed, I'm not a cripple, So, tell me why won't you let me hold your nipple?
- Harry Schechter: I get the feeling you're not terrifically fond of Miss La Rue.
- Rosie: Are you kidding? She's terrific! She has all the qualities I admire most in a woman. She's opportunistic, pushy, self-centered, and a bitch.
- Harry Schechter: Do you sing and dance?
- Susie: Oh, yes, I do.
- Harry Schechter: Are you willing to perform in the nude?
- Susie: Well, sure. As long as I don't have to take my clothes off.
- Juanita: [singing] Some horseplay or a bit of coitus, We'll be so wild if they ever arrest us, They'll never acquit us, So bind me and tie me, Free me and fly me, Pay up and buy me, Or do something worse, As long as it's perverse...
- Harry Schechter: Well, her orgasm wasn't too bad.
- Rosie: Are you kidding? That was the *worst* orgasm I have ever seen.
- Harry Schechter: Look, think about it for a minute, huh. Look at all that hard core crap. People don't need to go to the movies to see hard core. They want something new, like you said. Something different. They don't want to see anymore licking. They've seen enough licking pictures. Genitalia - it's boring! But, singing genitalia. Oh, gentlemen, huh? Come on!
- Harry Schechter: [singing] The color, the camera, the lights, and the action, Can't you see it on the screen, The bare breasts, the bare asses passing your way, Fellas do you see what I mean, This can be the biggest grosser since the word gross, And the word gross really says it like it is, There is no one, no sir, who has ever been close, To making such a fortune be his, Yes, the first nudie musical, What a great thing...
- [first lines]
- Harry Schechter: Alright, alright. Alright, alright, alright. So, it's not "Gone With The Wind." But, for 60,000 bucks, what do you want?
- Eddie: Let's stop putzin' around now. Give us an idea.
- Harry Schechter: Alright, you want an idea? I'll give you an idea. Oh, Jesus Christ, what an idea!
- Benny: Well, what is it?
- Harry Schechter: You ready?
- Eddie: We're ready, already.
- Harry Schechter: We are going to make the first - porno - musical.
- Rosie: You're not going to do this. They'll screw you.
- Harry Schechter: I'm screwed if I don't do it.
- Harry Schechter: Oh, we can do it! We can do it! I know we can do it. Tell me we can do it.
- Rosie: We can do it, Harry! We can do it! We can - do it!
- Eddie: You got to stick to the original timetable. You got two weeks to shoot this masterpiece.
- Harry Schechter: Two weeks? For a musical? Two weeks? What?
- Benny: Don't sweat it, Harry. You did "Kiss My Boots" is three days.
- Harry Schechter: That had eight lines of dialogue and seventeen orgasms. This is a musical! A musical movie.
- Eddie: Two weeks, Harry. You know the deal. You go over schedule, you go over budget, we take over the studio. You're out.
- Harry Schechter: Look, all I know is he's got this nephew who thinks he's a director. I got no choice! No nephew, no money. He's probably some overweight, heavy breathing, sick, sadomasochistic, necrophiliac, Nazi, rapist. I mean, look at Benny, right?
- Mr. Orgasm: [singing] Orgasm's, A short spasm of love, Sweet love, Orgasm, Sure has 'em, Doin' it nicely, Doin' it nightly, Doin' it nicely nightly...
- Harry Schechter: When you go in there tomorrow, you got to act like you know what you're talking about. You got to be gutsy! You got to use filthy language. Otherwise, they're going to walk all over you. Now, now. Now, this picture has everything, John. We got your - tits, ass, fucking, fondling, oral sex. You don't have anything against oral sex, do you, John?
- John Smithee: No. I like to talk about sex as much as the next fellow.
- Harry Schechter: It is a musical; but, it's not an ordinary musical. It's a - it's a tits and ass musical.
- Harry Schechter: Alright, let's get this rehearsal. Alright, this is the dildo number. Every dildo works, alright?
- Asst Director: Okay, okay everybody. Dildos!
- Lesbian: Just relax, honey. All I wanna do is - touch you, caress you, kiss you. Do dirty things to your body. Just think of me as - a - a friend.
- Susie: Are you a homo?
- Lesbian: You bet your nipple.
- [singing]
- Lesbian: Oh, lesbian, butch, dyke, You can call it what you like, But it's what I am and what I'll always be...
- John Smithee: Well, yes, you know, I - I - I - I believe in a - a - a fluid camera, you know, a - a - a - a Minellian camera.
- Asst Director: [chuckles] Who gives a shit.
- Harry Schechter: Now, listen, sweetheart, I've got a picture to make here. I can't replace you, you're in too much footage already and, then, you're throwing me way behind schedule. Now, I was behind schedule even before there was a schedule. So, stop jerkin' around, okay?
- John Smithee: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.
- Schlong: Henry Schlong.
- John Smithee: Schlong? Is that Chinese? Oh, now, in this scene - you know, I - I wouldn't wear the dark glasses or the hat because the scene is supposed to be - you know - making love.
- Schlong: I'm not here for making love. I'm here for fucking.
- Miss Mary La Rue: Will you get that thing up already? Come on, boy. Come on! Up! Up, up! Come on. Come on! Come on!
- Juanita: [singing] Isn't it fun, To do things, such new things, Things that people think can't be done, I'll wear black lace and naughty, sexy regalia, Or if you like you can dress up in that paraphernalia...
- Miss Mary La Rue: Oh, but, Harry, honey...
- Harry Schechter: Don't give me any of that "Harry, honey" bull shit!
- Harry Schechter: [singing] Let 'em eat cake, Let 'em eat hog dogs, Let 'em eat ol' hamburgers, If they haven't got dogs, Let 'em eat anything they feel they're due, Let 'em eat cake - but let me eat you...
- Harry Schechter: Look, wait, I've got a great idea for a new picture, too. I thought of it the other day. It's gonna be a Shakespearean porno, huh? We'll call it the: "Taming of the Blue."
- Harry Schechter: [singing] People who eat lots of food tend to grow obese, Then they have to diet, that's the catch, But me I always eat my fill - eat and never cease, But I never gain that weight - for I dine on snatch...
- Auditioning Actor: Do you know anything about this?
- Auditioning Actress: Oh, just what the ad said.
- Auditioning Actor: Well, do we have to be able to dance?
- Auditioning Actress: Well, yeah. It said, bring tap shows, rehearsal clothes, possible nudity, and they don't want any albinos.
- Auditioning Actor: Is it SAG?
- [Screen Actors Guild]
- John Smithee: Shall we get a rehearsal?
- Miss Mary La Rue: Rehearsal? Just roll the goddamn camera.
- John Smithee: Fine. Lights, Cameras...
- Miss Mary La Rue: Knock it off!
- [grabs Schlong, throws him on the bed]
- Miss Mary La Rue: Action! Oh-oh...
- Slate: Cock Inserts. Take 1.
- Miss Mary La Rue: Oh-oh-oh!