- Marvin 'Shake' Tiller: I've been tellin' Barbara Jane about B.E.A.T.
- Friedrich Bismark: Well, I hope you're not looking for any answers.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: Oh, I don't even know the questions.
- Friedrich Bismark: There aren't any questions. That's why there aren't any answers.
- Billy Clyde Puckett: [of a football player in a tuxedo] Now who says that clothes don't make the man? That's a well-dressed phone booth!
- Friedrich Bismark: Assholes! Ass-holes! You're all assholes, every one of you. Your lives don't work! And you're assholes because you sit here and pretend they do. Well, this weekend we're going to show you how that *shit* has gotten you exactly nowhere.
- Billy Clyde Puckett: Shake, old buddy, you know what I'm choosing to do?
- Marvin 'Shake' Tiller: What?
- Billy Clyde Puckett: I am choosing to win this fucking game.
- Billy Clyde Puckett: [responding to a knock at the bathroom door] Just shit and push it under the door.
- Big Ed Bookman: You ain't gonna let me have it, are you, Lord? I'm a sinner and you're gonna fuck me.
- Billy Clyde Puckett: Would you quit acting like a landlady?
- Barbara Jane Bookman: I am a landlady.
- Billy Clyde Puckett: Well, in the immortal words of Gene Autry, "If you don't care to love me, I wish you'd leave me alone."
- Dreamer Tatum: Pyramid power is what's hip, man.
- Dick Schaap - TV Sportscaster: What's pyramid power?
- Dreamer Tatum: It's based on the design of the great pyramid of Cheops in the land of Egypt. Man, it's a energy source that you cannot believe.
- Marvin 'Shake' Tiller: How are you supposed to share something with somebody who doesn't even understand what it is you're supposed to be sharing?
- Billy Clyde Puckett: [Billy Clyde is being "pelfed" and Clara Pelf is pulling on a rubber glove] Oh my God. Oh no. No, I remember *that* from the Army!
- Puddin Patterson Sr.: You got is a bad case of Barbara Jane Bookman.
- Billy Clyde Puckett: I've always had that. I just didn't know how bad.
- Puddin Patterson Sr.: [realizing what Billy Clyde is up to and laughing] Oh. Oh, shit. Oh, man. You don't think you're going to pull this hustle off?
- Billy Clyde Puckett: I'm sure gonna give it my best shot.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: [they're watching the wedding degenerate into a brawl] Friedrich is right about one thing... I sure am an asshole.
- Billy Clyde Puckett: Friedrich is an asshole.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: [raises her veil and stares at him] Say that again?
- Billy Clyde Puckett: [deliberately] Friedrich is an asshole.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: [incredulous] You didn't get *it*?
- Billy Clyde Puckett: In the immortal words of Gene Autry... nope.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: [realizing] You son-of-a...
- Bud McNair: We know that there are gay football players. But, who do they like to do it with? And, are there more homosexuals on the offense or on the defense?
- Billy Clyde Puckett: Defense.
- Bud McNair: Really?
- Billy Clyde Puckett: You're allowed to use your hands on defense. It gives you a better chance to grope somebody.
- Puddin Patterson Sr.: Boy, if I don't miss my guess, you're getting darker every time you catch the ball. In fact, you look darker now than before you started the game.
- Marvin 'Shake' Tiller: It's true. I'm getting this urge to tap-dance and play the saxophone.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: [U.S. Customs inspectors questioning Barbara Jane about a fur coat] Oh, I got this at Neiman's a couple years ago. It cost about $3,000. I mean, I spend all my money in the U.S. You know, I wouldn't give those Africans any of my money.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: That pisses me off! I'm telling you, America is the only country in the world that treats its citizens like they were crooks. Oh, they make me so fucking mad.
- Marvin 'Shake' Tiller: You make yourself mad. It's got nothing to do with them.
- Marvin 'Shake' Tiller: It was a slow-motion dream sequence. Everything was semi-frozen in time, moving like surreal dancers in some cosmic fantasy. It was like there was time in that moment to look at everything. There was time to experience every detail in a tapestry. It was...
- Billy Clyde Puckett: Are we going to get laid tonight?
- Marvin 'Shake' Tiller: Probably.
- Billy Clyde Puckett: What the hell did you do with that guy on the plane? Join the mile-high club?
- Barbara Jane Bookman: You know what you are - you're deliberately perverse.
- Billy Clyde Puckett: Is that good?
- Barbara Jane Bookman: No.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: I mean, Gene Autry? Who listens to Gene Autry?
- Billy Clyde Puckett: I listen to Gene Autry.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: You're also retarded.
- Bud McNair: I know what you think of a man like me - an intellectual. I'm sure when you divide the world up, you put jocks on one side and everybody else on the other. But let me tell you something. Intellectuals are the jocks of the mind. The life of the intellect is just as tough as the life of the body. You have to be just as mean with an idea as you do with a football. You love football. Great. I love words, books, ideas. And I know that a well-turned phrase is just as valuable, just as beautiful, and just as important, as a well-thrown pass.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: Shake, what is going on with you?
- Billy Clyde Puckett: I'll tell you what's going on with him. He's found himself.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: I didn't know he was lost.
- Marvin 'Shake' Tiller: Actions is what counts. All the rest is theory time. It's bullshit. The only reality is in the moment and what you doing counts. Not what you think you've been doing or hope you'll be doing.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: You'd diddle an alligator if somebody drained the pond.
- Billy Clyde Puckett: You don't have to drain the pond.
- Billy Clyde Puckett: [on set at a commercial shoot with Shake] It's gonna be all right once they start rolling.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: If you don't fuck him up.
- Billy Clyde Puckett: I'm trying to help me. I'm the one who has experience.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: You did one commercial, Billy Clyde.
- Billy Clyde Puckett: Well, that's experience.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: You call that experience? For condoms?
- Billy Clyde Puckett: It was a good product. "Come on, boys, stick it in. It won't pinch. It's paper thin."
- Barbara Jane Bookman: You found yourself? For real?
- Marvin 'Shake' Tiller: Well, what's real?
- Billy Clyde Puckett: Shit.
- Marvin 'Shake' Tiller: There's lots of people getting into that stuff like B.E.A.T. now, and not just fucked-up people. Like movie actors and rock stars. People like, eh, what's his name? John Denver. Valerie Harper, Joe Namath.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: Makes you feel better?
- Big Ed Bookman: Just how come you the one always paying alimony?
- Barbara Jane Bookman: Well, I'm the one who wanted out. It seemed fair.
- Big Ed Bookman: When it comes to money, sticking it in the other fella's gizzard, that's fair.
- Big Ed Bookman: We're in the playoff now. We're in the spotlight of publicity. It don't look right, my daughter living with two of my players.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: I'm not sleeping with them, Daddy.
- Big Ed Bookman: That's what I mean. It ain't normal. You're a grown woman, Barbara Jane. How you think it looks? You living with them and not doing it? Folks will think you all a passel of - I don't know - whatever they call them.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: Friends.
- Big Ed Bookman: It's goddamn unnatural!
- Earlene Emery: Oh! You do have a tiny ass. I mean, your ass is ti-ny! Did you ever see such a tiny ass?
- Billy Clyde Puckett: Oh, Earlene, you darling, you. I really would like to, Earlene. I really would. Honest, I tell you, I'm afraid once you and I got started, I'm liable to fall in there and be gone for *days*.
- Marvin 'Shake' Tiller: I went to B.E.A.T.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: Went to beat who?
- Marvin 'Shake' Tiller: Bismark Energy Attack Training. It helps you get your head together. It teaches you to live in the present.
- Billy Clyde Puckett: You know what? Big women turn me on. I mean, it isn't just a physical thing. I mean, big women, have big feelings. As opposed to little women who have small feelings. There's nothing sexier in the world than a woman who knows she's a real woman.
- Billy Clyde Puckett: You know, you were right about one thing. There comes a point in a man's life when he's got to think of something other than fucking and football.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: I don't think you've reached that time.
- Billy Clyde Puckett: There's a 7.
- Marvin 'Shake' Tiller: The one in red?
- Billy Clyde Puckett: Yeah.
- Marvin 'Shake' Tiller: Yeah. She looks about semi-rich. Woah, son! There's a woman that might be a 9.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: Where's a 9?
- Billy Clyde Puckett: You're the only 9 I know.
- Marvin 'Shake' Tiller: 8 1/2.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: 10.
- Billy Clyde Puckett: Ain't no such thing as a 10.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: Are you gonna start that shit again?
- Marvin 'Shake' Tiller: You're real close, honey, but you ain't no 10.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: I damn sure am.
- Billy Clyde Puckett: Ain't no such thing in the world as a 10.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: You thought Emily Kirkland was a 10.
- Billy Clyde Puckett: No. I thought Emily Kirkland and her sister *together* were a 10.
- Billy Clyde Puckett: I just smile all the time when I feel good. I'm like a Cheshire Cat. When I feel good, I just smile.
- Earlene Emery: You must feel good.
- Dr. Clara Pelf: You are having trouble, no?
- Billy Clyde Puckett: No.
- Dr. Clara Pelf: Take off your clothes. Clara Pelf will tell you if you're having trouble. Pants, belt, shoes. You have your shoes on. Shoes! Hurry up. We have only 30 minutes. Leave on the underwear. You *are* having trouble. Lie down on the table. On your belly. You understand Pelfing, no?
- Billy Clyde Puckett: Nope.
- Dr. Clara Pelf: You will find out.
- Billy Clyde Puckett: I'm not sure I want to.
- Dr. Clara Pelf: You're going to.
- Dr. Clara Pelf: Do you have sexual problems?
- Billy Clyde Puckett: No.
- Dr. Clara Pelf: You're resisting. All American men have sexual problems. Relax.
- Phillip Hooper: You know, it's not exactly the image of the team we'd like presented.
- Billy Clyde Puckett: Well, I'm a team man all the way, Pooper.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: We miss something, Billy Clyde?
- Billy Clyde Puckett: Like what?
- Barbara Jane Bookman: Not doing it. Did we miss out?
- Billy Clyde Puckett: Missed out on a divorce.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: [chuckles] You wouldn't have married me.
- Billy Clyde Puckett: You never asked me.
- Barbara Jane Bookman: Would you have?
- Billy Clyde Puckett: You want to know you're problem? You've got too athletic a body. It's big and it's lumpy. It's disgusting.
- Marvin 'Shake' Tiller: You can learn to dig it. I found some new kinks I never even knew I had.
- Billy Clyde Puckett: Good God, you'd get off on anything. You know that?
- Barbara Jane Bookman: How could we have so much fun and not end up in bed together?
- Billy Clyde Puckett: I guess cause we didn't want to spoil the fun.