- Border Guard: So, how long you've been in Mexico?
- Pedro de Pacas: A week. I mean a day.
- Border Guard: Well, which is it? A week or a day?
- Pedro de Pacas: A weekday.
- Anthony Stoner: [on police radio] Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, can you hear me?
- Clyde - Narc: Hello, headquarters? Hello, headquarters? Come in, headquarters. This is Officer Clive... we are...
- Sgt. Stedenko: Use the codename! The codename!
- Clyde - Narc: Headquarters, headquarters come in, please. The is Codename Hardhead.
- Sgt. Stedenko: Hat! Hardhat! Give me that! Hello, radio dispatch? This is Codename Hardhat, Codename Hardhat, do you read me? Over.
- Anthony Stoner: Was that Lardass?
- Sgt. Stedenko: Hardhat! Codename Hardhat! Do you read, radio dispatch?
- Anthony Stoner: Hey, I got somethin' for ya, Lardass!
- Sgt. Stedenko: Hardhat! Hard... Hat! Do you understand?
- Pedro de Pacas: Lardass, Lardass!
- Sgt. Stedenko: Hardhat! Radio dispatch, do you know who this is?
- Pedro de Pacas: Naw, who is this is?
- Sgt. Stedenko: This is Sergeant Stedenko!
- Pedro de Pacas: Oh yeah, you know who this is?
- Sgt. Stedenko: No!
- Pedro de Pacas: Bye-bye, Lardass!
- Arresting Officer: Sir, could I please see your license?
- Pedro de Pacas: Whuut?
- Arresting Officer: Your license. Where's your license?
- Pedro de Pacas: It's back there on the bumper, man!
- Arresting Officer: No, I mean your DRIVER'S license.
- Pedro de Pacas: Oh yeah, I got the bullshit back here man...
- [gets license with great difficulty]
- Pedro de Pacas: Hey I thought'a somethin' really funny, man... Your mother!
- [laughs]
- Arresting Officer: [after dirty look, of course] Sir, what's your name?
- Pedro de Pacas: uuhhh... Isn't in on the license, man? Yeah, that's it! Pedro De Pacas, man, that's my name...
- Anthony Stoner: Man, what is in this shit, man?
- Anthony Stoner: Mostly Maui Waui man, but it's got some Labrador in it.
- Pedro de Pacas: What's Labrador?
- Anthony Stoner: It's dog shit.
- Pedro de Pacas: What?
- Anthony Stoner: Yeah, my dog ate my stash, man.
- Pedro de Pacas: Yeah?
- Anthony Stoner: I had it on the table and the little motherfucker ate it, man.
- Anthony Stoner: Then I had to follow him around with a little baggie for three days, man,
- Anthony Stoner: before I got it back. Really blew the dog's mind, ya know?
- Pedro de Pacas: You mean we're smokin' dog shit, man?
- Anthony Stoner: Gets ya high, don't it?
- Pedro de Pacas: [Song, "Rockin' Robin" plays...]
- Anthony Stoner: I think it's even better than before, you know?
- Pedro de Pacas: Uhhh, I wonder what Great Dane tastes like, man.
- Anthony Stoner: Hey, hey, I got somethin' that'll mellow you out, man. You're just freakin' out. Here, here...
- Pedro de Pacas: [panting] I never smoked no shit like that before.
- Anthony Stoner: Take these, man. Take these. This'll mellow you out, man.
- Pedro de Pacas: What is this... What is that, man?
- Anthony Stoner: Just take 'em, man.
- [Pedro swallows whatever he was handed]
- Anthony Stoner: Huh... Hey, hey, don't take *those*, man.
- Pedro de Pacas: [...] What?
- Anthony Stoner: I almost gave you the wrong shit, man.
- Pedro de Pacas: Hey man, I already took 'em, man.
- Anthony Stoner: [laughing in astonishment] Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo...
- Pedro de Pacas: Hey, whaddaya mean "ho ho ho ho ho"?
- Anthony Stoner: Oh... HU-WOW, MAN!
- Pedro de Pacas: Hey, what was in that shit, man?
- Anthony Stoner: You just ate the most acid I've ever seen anybody eat in my life!
- Pedro de Pacas: Hey, man, I never had no acid before, man.
- Anthony Stoner: Jeez, I hope you're not busy for about a month...
- Arnold Stoner: [to wife, off camera] Sweetheart, I'll talk to him.
- [to Anthony, "Man", as he makes a fruit smoothie]
- Arnold Stoner: Son, your mother and me would like for you to cozy up to the Finkelstein boy. He's a bright kid, and, uh... he's going to military school, and... remember, he was an Eagle Scout...
- Mrs. Tempest Stoner: Arnold...
- Arnold Stoner: [shouting as wife continues] Will you shut up? We're not going to have a family brawl!
- Mrs. Tempest Stoner: ...and a retard!
- Arnold Stoner: We've put up with a hell of a lot.
- [Anthony starts blender]
- Arnold Stoner: Can this wait? Build your goddamn muscles, huh? You know, you could build your muscles picking strawberries. You know, bend and scoop... like the Mexicans.
- [Anthony turns off blender and pours contents into tall glass]
- Arnold Stoner: Shit, maybe I could get you a job with United Fruit! I got a buddy with United Fruit. Get you started. Start with strawberries, you might work your way up to these goddamn bananas!
- [Anthony drinks from glass as his father shouts]
- Arnold Stoner: When, boy? When... are you going to get your act together?
- [Anthony turns to him and gives a loud belch]
- Mrs. Tempest Stoner: [in disgust] Gross!
- Arnold Stoner: [rubs his forehead with his hand] Oh, good God Almighty me. I think he's the Antichrist.
- [turns to his son]
- Arnold Stoner: Anthony, I want to talk to you. Now, listen!
- [Anthony walks away and gives an obscene gesture behind his back]
- Arnold Stoner: Don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you! You get a goddamn job before sundown...
- Mrs. Tempest Stoner: [pointing to Anthony as he walks away] Is that some kind of peace sign?
- Arnold Stoner: ...or we're shipping you off to military school with that... goddamn Finkelstein... shit kid!
- [turns away in frustration]
- Arnold Stoner: Son of a BITCH!
- Unknown: Sgt. Stedenko what are you exactly looking for?
- Sgt. Stedenko: Dope, drugs, weed, grass, toot, smack, quackers, uppers, downers, all arounders. You name it we want it!
- Pedro de Pacas: I been smoking since I was born, man, I can smoke anything, man. You know like I smoke that Michoacán, and Acapulco Gold, man. I even smoke that tied stick, you know?
- Anthony Stoner: "Tied stick"?
- Pedro de Pacas: Yeah, you know that stuff that's tied to a stick.
- Anthony Stoner: Ohh, THAI stick.
- [stoned cop walks up to the van, where Pedro and Man have been trying to switch who's driving]
- Cop: What do you guys want?
- Pedro de Pacas: Nothing.
- Cop: Hey, do you mind if I have a, bite of your hot dog?
- Pedro de Pacas: Huh? No man, here, take the whole thing.
- [the cop takes a huge bite]
- Pedro de Pacas: Want some fritos?
- Cop: [through a mouthful of hot dog] no, this is fine! Thank you! Hey, you fellas have a nice day, okay?
- Anthony Stoner: Hey man, what was that dude's trip? I mean what was he on, man?
- Pedro de Pacas: Man, I don't know but I wish we had some of it!
- [Man has disguised himself as a woman while hitchhiking]
- Anthony Stoner: Hey, man; I'm glad you picked me up, man. I slept in a ditch last night, man, I was about to freeze my balls off, man.
- Pedro de Pacas: Man, I didn't even know you had any, I wouldn't of stopped.
- Curtis: Hey, man, I got some weed straight from Turkey, boy. It's what set them Arabs off.
- Pedro de Pacas: Arabs from Turkey?
- Curtis: Yeah, man! Yeah! It was from Turkey. Hey, man, this stuff is so bad, it'll put a hump in a camel's back.
- Pedro de Pacas: No shit?
- Curtis: I wouldn't shit you, baby. I mean, this is some bad weed.
- Pedro de Pacas: You got it on you?
- Curtis: I got it on me, man. You got to check it out. It'll boogie-woogie on your brain.
- Pedro de Pacas: Alright.
- Curtis: Just cause we tight, I'm gonna let you have it for a double-dime.
- Arnold Stoner: You get yourself a job before sundown, or we're shipping you off to military school with that goddam Finklestein shit kid! Son of a bitch!
- [after picking up Man, Pedro guns his car and takes off down the street]
- Anthony Stoner: Ohhh! Ohhh!
- Pedro de Pacas: Hey, how far you goin' man?
- Anthony Stoner: [points to the curb] Hey, right here would be fine, man!
- Pedro de Pacas: What, you're not afraid of a little speed, are ya man?
- Anthony Stoner: Wha, you got some speed, man?
- Pedro de Pacas: Huh? Speed? Oh, no, I don't got no speed man. But you know what I do got? I got a joint man!
- Anthony Stoner: Oh, wow.
- Pedro de Pacas: [gets it out and hands it to Man] Here, light that thing up man, let's get chinese-eyed.
- Anthony Stoner: [eying the joint] Kinda skinny, isn't it?
- Pedro de Pacas: No, it's a heavy duty joint, man.
- Pedro de Pacas: Kinda looks like a toothpick.
- Pedro de Pacas: Naw, it's not a toothpick, man.
- Anthony Stoner: No, it IS a toothpick, man.
- [hands it back to Pedro]
- Pedro de Pacas: [looking at it, puzzled] it IS a toothpick!... wait a minute man, I got the shit right here.
- [feels around in his pocket]
- Pedro de Pacas: huh... no, that's my dick.
- [feels around some more]
- Pedro de Pacas: , okay, here you go, man.
- [hands a skinny, curled up joint to Man]
- Anthony Stoner: [looking at a dinky little joint] Jeez, I hope your dick's bigger than this, man.
- Pedro de Pacas: Hey man, you want to get out and walk, man?
- Anthony Stoner: [Cheech starts toking on the giant joint] Toke, toke it up, man!
- Anthony Stoner: [Cheech starts choking] Kinda grabs ya' by the boo-boo, don't it?
- Pedro de Pacas: Don't worry, man. Those aren't narcs, they're Las Emigras; you know, the Immigration Service looking for illegal aliens.
- Anthony Stoner: What's the Immigration Service doing here, man?
- Pedro de Pacas: My cousin needed a ride to his brother's wedding in Tijuana; so he called the Emigras, man. They'll deport the entire wedding party, man. They get a free bus ride across the border and lunch. When the wedding is over, man, they'll just come back across the border.
- Arresting Officer: [to Man] Sir, what's your name?
- Pedro de Pacas: Whut? I told you my name, man!
- Arresting Officer: [to Man] Sir... what's YOUR name?
- Pedro de Pacas: [to Man] Hey man! The dude wants to know your name, man!
- [Man vomits onto the floor of the car]
- Pedro de Pacas: Uuhhh - His name is RAALLLPH, man!
- Anthony Stoner: We don't even know any tunes yet, man.
- Pedro de Pacas: What do you mean, man? We had two rehearsals, man. Besides, it's just punk rock, man. You know, you don't have to know how to play. All you just got to do is be a punk, man. We could do that.
- Anthony Stoner: Well, we got to get loaded first, though.
- Pedro de Pacas: Yeah, we should get loaded.
- Strawberry: Ahhh, look at that man, the great outdoors, huh!
- Pedro de Pacas: Yeah, the great outdoors...
- [gives Strawberry a weird look]
- Pedro de Pacas: [laughing while stoned] Way anchor! How much does it weigh? I don't know, I forgot! pffhhh! Ha ha I saw that in a movie once...!
- Sgt. Stedenko: Now just how well do you know that freak with the basketball?
- Unknown: Which basketball?
- Sgt. Stedenko: Which basketball?
- Anthony Stoner: No, hey man, if we're gonna wear uniforms man, you know let's have everybody wear something different.
- Pedro de Pacas: Yea, that's it. Yea, we want something wear everybody wears something different man, but the same, you know?
- Pedro de Pacas: I'm in a band, too, man.
- Anthony Stoner: Oh, are you?
- Pedro de Pacas: Yeah, I'm a lead singer, man.
- Anthony Stoner: Wow, that's hip, man.
- Pedro de Pacas: Yeah, we play everything from, like, Santana to El Chicano, man. You know, like, everything!
- [singing]
- Pedro de Pacas: Hey, I'm just a love machine, And I don't work for nobody but you, I'm just a love machine, And I don't work for nobody but you, Woman, when my temperature rise, And then I go for her thighs, And then I see guacamole in my shoes, Guacamole in my shoe.
- Anthony Stoner: Who lives here, man?
- Pedro de Pacas: That's my cousin Strawberry, man. He's probably got some dope, man. He's always got the best smoke.
- Anthony Stoner: Oh, I hope so, man.
- Pedro de Pacas: Yeah, well, he's cool. His only thing is, he's a little weird. You know, like, he went over to Vietnam, man, and he came back all weirded out, you know.
- Anthony Stoner: Yeah, well, that 'Nam grass will do it to you, man.
- Curtis: This bad low machine is yours?
- Pedro de Pacas: Yeah!
- Curtis: Oh, Pedro, you got a taste of soul to you, bro.
- Pedro de Pacas: And style, too.
- Curtis: Hey-hey, I hear you. Hey, now, you know what you need to go with this bad ride?
- Pedro de Pacas: A chick?
- Pedro de Pacas: Where'd you learn how to roll them big joints, man?
- Anthony Stoner: Hey, you like that, man?
- Pedro de Pacas: Whoa! They're heavy.
- Anthony Stoner: Yeah, I used to be a roadie for the Doobie Brothers, you know.
- Pedro de Pacas: What a groovy gig.
- Anthony Stoner: Yeah, I dug it.
- Pedro de Pacas: Hey, what's happening?
- Anthony Stoner: How far are you going, man?
- Debbie: All the way.
- Pedro de Pacas: All right. We're going there ourselves.
- Pedro de Pacas: You girls need a ride?
- Jail Bait, Jail Bait: No.
- Pedro de Pacas: You sure? - No. - Later for you, you little jailbaits.
- Jail Bait, Jail Bait: Yeah
- Pedro de Pacas: I'm going that way.
- Jail Bait, Jail Bait: No.
- Pedro de Pacas: Later for you, you little jailbaits.
- Pedro de Pacas: Hey, listen, man, if you hear some noise in the bedroom, you know, moaning and groaning, don't pay any attention to it, it's just me and my old lady. Next tune you hear will be, "Dueling Bedsprings".
- Pedro de Pacas: Oh, what's that? She's hitchhiking. Hey, watch out. Coming over. Geronimo! Hey, double bubble. Come on, baby. I'll give you a ride. Let's go! Yeah, bend over. I'll drive you home, baby. Hey, you ain't a chick!
- Anthony Stoner: Yeah, I know.
- Pedro de Pacas: Is that a joint, man? Like god damn! It looks like you got a Quarter Pounder, man. Led Zeppelin!
- Anthony Stoner: Hey, be careful with that shit, man.
- Pedro de Pacas: What? Is it heavy stuff, man? Will it blow me away?
- Anthony Stoner: Better put your seatbelt on, man. I'll tell you that much.
- Immigration Arresting Officer: Freeze, you chili-choking pepper belly!
- Strawberry's Myna Bird: Starbuck. Starbuck.
- Anthony Stoner: Hey, these uniforms are lame, man.
- Curtis: What chu mean lame, sucka?
- The Band: Bass - James: Hey, Pedro, man. Where's the white dude you say was playing the drums?
- Pedro de Pacas: That's him, man.
- Pedro de Pacas: I can't believe we can't find no grass nowhere, man.
- Anthony Stoner: That's 'cause too many people are smoking it now. And it really makes it tough on the rest of us.
- The Narcs: Harry: Listen, our agent just phoned from Mexico. It's not a bunch of nuns in a station wagon. It's two hippies in a green van.
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