- Blind beggar: I am a musician and the monkey is a businessman. He doesn't tell me what to play, and I don't tell him what to do with his money.
- Clouseau: [on the phone] Who is that speaking?
- Dreyfus: Don't you know? Can't you guess? I'll give you a clue. This is the man who hates you. This is the man who more than anything else in the world would like to see you dead and buried.
- Clouseau: Are you the head waiter that works at the little bistro on the Rue de Brossard?
- Dreyfus: No! This is Chief Inspector Dreyfus! Idiot!
- [Cato has just attacked Clouseau, causing extensive damage to the restaurant he's eating in]
- Clouseau: You fool! You raving Oriental idiot! There is a time and a place for everything, Cato! And this is it!
- [Clouseau goes to attack Cato, but misses and destroys the restaurant's kitchen]
- [after an incident involving a blind beggar]
- Dreyfus: The beggar was the lookout man for the gang.
- Clouseau: That is impossible.
- Dreyfus: Why?
- Clouseau: He was blind. How can a blind man be a lookout?
- Dreyfus: [Insinuating Clouseau] How can an idiot be a policeman? Answer me that!
- Clouseau: It's very simple, all he has to do is enlist...
- Dreyfus: Shut up!
- Col. Sharky: [after examining the scene of stolen Pink Panther, Clouseau notices the wire on the floor] Very ingenious.
- Police Chief Lundallah: [annoyed] He pulled himself across the floor.
- Clouseau: He did?
- Police Chief Lundallah: How else could he have avoided our radar field?
- Clouseau: Yes, how else. Hmm. Of course he would have needed a very slippery floor to do that.
- Police Chief Lundallah: Therefore, the wax.
- Clouseau: The wax? AGHH!
- [Clouseau steps on the wax and falls to the floor]
- Col. Sharky: Are you alright, Inspector?
- Clouseau: [on his knees] Of course I'm alright. I'm... examining the wax.
- [sniffs the wax on the floor]
- Clouseau: Have you taken a sample of this wax?
- Police Chief Lundallah: Wax is wax!
- Clouseau: See, this is where you are wrong. Wax is NOT just wax. In this case it is a clue. Domestic wax, Belgian Wax, French Wax, English Wax...
- Col. Sharky: Ah, the Inspector is right. Have the wax tested immediately.
- Clouseau: [grabing the mechanical arm from the jewel stand] It is my guess that you will find it is English wax.
- Police Chief Lundallah: Why?
- Clouseau: Because your thief is an Englishman.
- Col. Sharky: How do you know that?
- Clouseau: It is my business to know that. He is Sir Charles Phantom, the notorious Lytton.
- Police Chief Lundallah: The Phantom?
- Clouseau: Yes, one and the same.
- [the mechanical arm grabs Clouseaus's crotch]
- Dreyfus: [after Clouseau's fiasco with the bank robbers] ... You are suspended for six months, without pay, effective immediately! Have you anything to say?
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: ...Could you lend me fifty francs?
- [Chief Inspector Dreyfuss has gone berserk, shooting at Clouseau and Lytton]
- Sir Charles Lytton: He's out of ammunition.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: He's out of his mind, that's what he's out of.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [in Dreyfus' office, after Clouseau's apartment has been bombed] I tell you, infamous powers are at work! The instant you assign me to a case, the Underworld hears about it and I am set upon! It is amazing that I am still alive!
- Dreyfus: [forcing himself not to giggle] "Amazing" is not the word.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Do I detect something in your voice that says I am in disfavor with you?
- Dreyfus: YES! I wish you were DEAD!
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well, of course, you are entitled to your opinion.
- Dreyfus: [Offscreen, Dreyfus accidentally fires a gun that he thought did not work. Francois rushes into Dreyfus's office to see what has happened] Don't just stand there, idiot. Call a doctor. And then help me find my nose.
- Blind beggar: How do you know so much about the city ordinances?
- Clouseau: What sort of stupid question is that? Are you blind?
- Blind beggar: Yes.
- Clouseau: Oh, I see. Yes, yes. Yes, of course.
- Clouseau: Good Sharky, Colonel God! We were just talking about you. Well, as you can see, I've got the whole case buttoned up. Everything is sewn up. This is Sir Charles Phantom, the famous Pink Litton.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [at Lytton Manor in Nice, while working undercover as a telephone repairman, Clouseau has already annihilated the Lyttons' doorbell!] ... I am from the Nice Telephone Company; there is some trouble with your phone.
- Mac: ...I don't think there's any trouble with the telephones here.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I know when there is a trouble, and when there is not a trouble, and you may rest assured that there is a trouble.
- Mac: Since when?
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Since it was reported.
- Mac: By whom? And what sort of trouble is it?
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: If I knew that, I could simply call you up and tell you what the trouble with your telephone is!
- Claudine: Well... Whatever the trouble is, I hope you locate it.
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Madame, it is my business to locate trouble...
- [He misses the door to the study, crashing headlong into the wall; being Clouseau, he isn't even fazed]
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: ...Er, no trouble back there!
- Doctor: Describe your thoughts. Get them out in the open. You'll feel much better.
- Dreyfus: All right. See, it's always the same. Clouseau is sitting there, in a chair, just like you, with his back to me. Then suddenly, my hands go round his throat, and I begin to squeeze. It's wonderful. It's marvelous. I'm squeezing. And the more I squeeze, the freer I feel. I'm in ecstasy. And then suddenly, suddenly my problem is solv-ved.
- [while Dreyfus has been talking, he has been unintentionally strangling the doctor. He suddenly becomes aware of this as the doctor falls to the floor]
- Dreyfus: Doctor! DOCTOR!
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: This is very strange. I do not ever recall receiving the fortune cookie in a Japanese Restaurant.
- Sgt. François Chevalier: What does yours say?
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Beware of Japanese Waitress bearing fortune cookies
- Clouseau: I did not know the bank was being robbed because I was engaged in my sworn duty as a police officer.
- Clouseau: [Clouseau's pants have been torn off as he snoops in Lytton's study. The butler bangs on the door] Do not come in! I am putting my tools away!
- [after inadvertently destroying much of the hotel he is in]
- Clouseau: I must leave. Zis Hotel is deteriorating rapidly.
- Museum Tourist: Why is it called the Pink Panther?
- Museum Guide: The stone is flawed. If it is held up to the light in a certain way, the figure of a springing panther can be seen clearly.
- Fat Man: I'm awfully sorry, old boy.
- Sir Charles Lytton: Well, you know the old saying: With friends like you...
- Sir Charles Lytton, Fat Man: Who needs enemies.
- Fat Man: Normally, I'm a man who detests violence, but in your case I'm forced to make a most regrettable exception.
- Clouseau: And the same to you!
- [hangs up the phone]
- Clouseau: Filthy swine. Cato, very strange. Chief Inspector Dreyfus calls me up, tells me to go and arrest Lady Litton immediately, without a charge. I call him back to speak with him, I find he's not in his office. Even stranger, I find he's gone away on vacation. Cato, things are very fishy in Denmark.
- Cato Fong: Switzerland.
- Clouseau: Yes, there too.
- Dreyfus: If she's not in your custody within five minutes, you'll be checking parking meters in Martinique!
- Sir Charles Lytton: [pretending to be room service] Bonjour, madame. Breakfast. Voila.
- Claudine: [half asleep on the bed, with her back towards Sir Charles] Leave it over there. I'll sign for it later.
- Sir Charles Lytton: [lies down in the bed] How about a little tip?
- Claudine: [shocked, turns around] Charles, darling!
- [kiss]
- Claudine: Mmm. Mmm.
- Sir Charles Lytton: All right, all right. Now, where is it?
- Claudine: After all these years you need to ask?
- Sir Charles Lytton: I'm quite serious.
- Claudine: Oh, I hope so. You hotel waiters lead such interesting lives.
- [kiss]
- Sir Charles Lytton: No, no, no, no. Not now, darling. Not now, please. Now, where is it? Hmm?
- Claudine: That depends on what you're looking for.
- [kiss]
- Sir Charles Lytton: Now, come on, Claudine, please! Now, now where is it? I'm losing patience.
- Claudine: I should ask the hotel to send up another waiter.
- [first lines]
- Museum Guide: This way, please. Ladies and gentlemen, this way, please. Follow me. Down there, please. Thank you. From the dynasty of Akbar the Magnificent and for over a thousand years our nation's religious symbol, the Pink Panther. Largest and most famous diamond in the world. Irreplaceable. Its value cannot be estimated in terms of money.
- Museum Tourist: Isn't the museum worried that someone might steal it?
- Clouseau: Yes, my little yellow friend, I knew the Chief would have to reconsider. He did not get where he is by ignoring a man's qualifications. He knows that I am unique, and therefore indispensable. We are much the same, the Chief and I. But of course, Cato, all great detectives have one thing in common. And you know what that is? Instinct. That rare ability to know immediately without having to stop and reason. And in my business, it can easily mean the difference between life and death.
- Claudine: I'm Lady Litton.
- Clouseau: Yes, I know. I took the liberty of finding out. I hope you are not offended.
- Claudine: That depends on your intentions.
- Clouseau: Strictly honorable, I can assure you. A man sees a beautiful chick, and he can't help but be inquisitive, you know. Would you think it naughty of me if I offered to buy you a drink?
- Claudine: But you already have.
- Clouseau: I knew that. How about I buy myself one and we drink it together, huh?
- Sir Charles Lytton: You nearly had me killed, you know.
- Claudine: It's better than dying of boredom.
- Sir Charles Lytton: Me, bored with you?
- Claudine: I'm sorry, darling. It's just that I never realized how tedious life could be for a retired jewel thief.