Don Knotts credited as playing...
Theodore Ogelvie
- Theodore Ogelvie: You know something, Amos? The Lord poured your brains in with a teaspoon, and somebody joggled His arm. I keep trying to tell you we ain't got no lead to throw, and no powder to throw it with.
- Theodore Ogelvie: You know something, Amos?
- Amos Tucker: Huh?
- Theodore Ogelvie: We got to make a decision.
- Amos Tucker: What?
- Theodore Oglivie: Does the Hash Knife Outfit throw in its hand? Or do we go out in a blaze of glory?
- Amos Tucker: Right! Uh, just what do you mean... blaze of glory?
- Theodore Oglivie: Fighting till the last man's killed! What's it going to be, pard?
- Amos Tucker: You know that jail in Santa Fe wasn't all that bad.
- Theodore: You and me been through a lot together, and although I climbed your hump once in a while, I - I just couldn't have asked for a better partner. If we meet again in that big roundup in the sky sometime, I'm gonna spread my blanket 'side of yours, just the same as always.
- Sheriff McCoy: You're rear end's on fire, Theodore.
- Theodore: Oh. Thank you.
- [Jumps and frantically slaps fire out; glares at Amos]
- Theodore: Why didn't you tell me my rear end was on fire?
- Amos: Well, you said not to do anything to attract attention.
- Theodore Oglivie: Amos, that's the most humiliating thing that's ever happened to me.
- Amos Tucker: I know.
- Theodore Ogelvie: Three bitty kids with shovels walk right into our hideout and get the drop on us.
- Amos Tucker: I know.
- Theodore Oglivie: And you burnt my hand, Amos.
- Amos Tucker: Well, I'm sorry about that.
- Theodore Oglivie: And you scorched a hole in my best shirt!
- Amos Tucker: Well, I can fix that.
- Theodore Oglivie: [suddenly blows his top] Why did you tell me those three bitty kids were a posse?
- Amos Tucker: Well, I thought I saw them hiding down there in the bushes.
- Theodore Oglivie: Oh, you couldn't see through a barbed-wire fence!
- Amos Tucker: Theodore?
- Theodore Oglivie: That head of yours wouldn't hold straw!
- Amos Tucker: Theodore?
- Theodore Oglivie: You couldn't sell hacksaws in a jail!
- Amos Tucker: How much money do you figure that dude's got in front of him?
- Theodore Ogelvie: About five hundred.
- Amos Tucker: Five hundred? Wow! You know, that'll be, uh, that's two hundred apiece!
- Homer McCoy: This court is now in session, the Honorable Homer McCoy presiding. Theodore Ogelvie, Amos Tucker, you're charged with attempted bank robbery. How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?
- Theodore Oglivie: Not guilty?
- Homer McCoy: Guilty!
- Amos Tucker: That was the wrong one.
- Homer McCoy: This court sentences you to be hung by the neck until dead. And I'm fining you an extra ten bucks for perjury. Let 'em out.
- [Amos and Ted are let out of the cage]
- Homer McCoy: Be down at the old oak tree near Boot Hill at twelve o'clock sharp for your hanging. And bring your own rope.