The Man with Two Brains (1983)

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : I want you to do something very important, alright?

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : I want you to run home and I want you to call the E.R. of North Bank General Hospital, 932-1000. Tell them to set up OR6 immediately and contact anesthesiologist Isadore Turek 472-2112 beep 12. Have him send an ambulance with a paramedic crew, light IV, D5NW-KVO. You got it?

Little Girl : E.R. North Bank General Hospital 932-1000. Setup OR6. Contact anesthesiologist Isadore Turek 472-2112 beep 12. Ambulance with paramedics and light IV, D5NW and KVO.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : That's good.

Little Girl : Sounds like a subdural hematoma to me.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Oh it does, does it? Well, it's not your job to diagnose!

Little Girl : But I thought...

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : You thought, you thought... just go! Three years of nursery school and you think you know it all. Well you're still wet behind the ears. It's not subdural hematoma, it's epidural! Ha! God damn that makes me mad!

Dr. Necessiter : As you know, my research has advanced to a point where I can put her mind into the body of a gorilla.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : I couldn't fuck a gorilla.

Butler : You and your wife are expected for dinner.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : My wife won't be coming.

Butler : Oh, I trust she is not ill?

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : She's not ill, she's a cheap, vulgar slut.

Butler : Ja, I have heard this.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : [Dr. Hfuhruhurr has driven them to his house, where Ramon and the housekeeper are on the porch, smiling happily to welcome the bride] There it is, darling. Your new home. The House of Hfuhruhurr.

Dolores : What are those assholes doing on the porch?

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Those aren't assholes. It's pronounced *azaleas*.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : You. You're the elevator killer. Merv Griffin.

Merv Griffin : Yeah.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Why?

Merv Griffin : I don't know. I've always just loved to kill. I really enjoyed it. But then I got famous, and - it's just too hard for me. And so many witnesses. I mean, *everybody* recognized me. I couldn't even lurk anymore. I'd hear, "Who's that lurking over there? Isn't that Merv Griffin?" So I came to Europe to kill. And it's really worked out very well for me.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Would you read that back to me? I'm afraid that might make me sound pompous to your readers.

Olsen : 'My brilliant research in brain transplantation is unsurpassed, and will probably make my name live beyond eternity'.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Well, that's all right. Take out the 'probably'. It makes me sound wishy-washy.

Dolores : The Complete Poems of John Lillison, England's greatest one-armed poet.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : He wrote 'In Dillman's Grove' and 'Pointy Birds.' O pointy birds, o pointy pointy, anoint my head, anointy-nointy.

Inspector : You are playing God.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : *Somebody* has to.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : The only time we doctors should accept death is when it's caused by our own incompetence.

Dr. Necessiter : Nonsense! If the murder of twelve innocent people can help save one human life, it will have been worth it!

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : I can't.

Fran : Can't what?

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : I can't inject you with window cleaner.

Fran : I don't mind. Hey, what does it do anyway?

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : It causes your brain to die last.

Fran : I don't mind.

Dolores : By the way, I fired Ramon yesterday.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Ramon? Ramon is such a fine man. What did he do?

Dolores : He came up behind me and he grabbed my breasts.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : What? I haven't even done that yet.

Dolores : I know. I told him that.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : You told him?

Dolores : He said he had to measure me for a new dashboard ornament.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Damn your drunk tests are hard.

Anne Uumellmahaye : [counting in a neurological test after Delores placed the brain in an oven to boil] One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, ten.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : You. You cooked her nines! Out! Out of my house! Out of my life!

Drunk Test Policeman : Now, juggle these, do a tap dance, and sing the Catalina Magdalena Lupensteiner Wallabeiner song.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Goddam, your drunk tests are hard!

Dr. Necessiter's butler : Can I get you anything more, doctor? I'm about to retire.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Really? You seem so young.

Olsen : [Dr. Hruhruhurr places a doll resembling Rebecca on the dash board] Is that her?

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : No. That's just a statue of her.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Into the mud, Scum-Queen!

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Ladies and gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people.

Dr. Brandon : Well, Dr. Beckerman was murdered in Europe - you know that.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Exactly. Not only is he dead, he's six thousand miles away.

Anne Uumellmahaye : I don't think there's a girl floating in any jar anywhere who's as happy as I am. Michael, you do so much for me, and I do nothing for you.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Are you out of your head?

[He winces]

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Sorry, I forgot. As far as I'm concerned, you're the most complete woman I've ever known. All my life, I wanted women with great bodies, women who were "Tens." Now, for the first time, I'm aroused by a mind.

[He gazes lovingly at the brain in the jar]

Dolores : I can't wait till next Thursday.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Today is Monday.

Dolores : I know, but my headache should be gone by then.

Dolores : I know there's something weird going on with you and that brain!

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : [defensively] It's not weird!

Anne Uumellmahaye : [Counting in a neurological test after being placed in an oven] One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, ten.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : My god, you've cooked her nines!

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : If you're uncomfortable with any of this... give me a sign?

[the painting starts spinning wildly and the light fixtures give off flames]

Rebecca's Ghost : NOOO! NOOOO! NOOOOO!

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : You're going in the closet.

[first lines]

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : [in surgery] Check the art line. You're hyperventilating the patient.

Anaestheseologist : No doctor.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Ready the bone wax. Metzenbaum scissors.

Surgery Nurse : Metzenbaum scissors.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : [meowing] Get that cat out of here.

Anaestheseologist : Yes sir.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Ready to close. Remove the Wietlander Retractor.

Surgery Nurse : Pre-closure doctor.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Remove the rating clip, for God's sake!

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : What are they saying?

Dr. Conrad : They are just saying 'murmur, murmur, murmur.'

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : You mean it's just sort of a general murmur?

Dr. Conrad : Yeah. Murmur.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Oh.

[to the crowd]

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : You may *murmur* all you like.

Crowd : [distinctly] Murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Dolores, I am making a citizen's divorce.

Dolores : [laughing] What?

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : By the powers vested in me, I hereby declare our marriage null and void! E pluribus unum!

Dolores Benedict : If you lay one finger on me, I'll kill you.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again.

Dolores Benedict : Nobody's going to keep me from working in this town.

Olsen : Doctor, were you interested in science as a child?

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : I don't know if I was interested so much in the science as I was in the slime that goes along with it. Snakes and frogs. When I saw how slimy the human brain was, I knew that's what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.

[Sees all the brains in Dr Necessiter's lab]

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : I've never seen so many brains out of their heads before! I feel like a kid in a candy store.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : [Dr. Hfuhruhurr is puffing a cigarette in bed after what was presumably great foreplay] Never in my wildest imagination, I *ever* thought it could be like that. That was the most exciting sexual encounter - without actually having it - that I ever, almost had.

Dr. Necessiter : Dr. Huffer?

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : It's pronounced "Hfuhruhurr".

Morgue Attendant : Will this do?

[lifts a sheet over a body]

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : She just - she just doesn't have any *va-voom*.

Morgue Attendant : She is dead, you know.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Still...

Morgue Attendant : You don't like anything here?

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : No, nothing really leaps out at me.

Olsen : I appreciate you letting me observe that brain operation today.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : It would have been more complicated if it had needed one but since you wanted to observe my technique...

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : [to the nurse while operating Dolores, whose perfect breast is showing] Cover her breasts. I'm a man, flesh and blood.

[the scientists pull up in a car in front of a modern condominium building]

Dr. Necessiter : What's the matter?

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Oh, you have to forgive me. It's just that, being here in Austria, meeting a scientist with your interests, I half expected your laboratory to be in a castle, not a condo.

Dr. Necessiter : [Dr. Necessiter opens his room with his key and swings the door wide open] You mean like this?

[His place is decorated with rough rock walls and flagstone floors, candles and candelabras, an interior drawbridge, wing chairs, hanging banners, and the like]

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : [Amazed on seeing the castle-like interior of Dr. Necessiter's condo] Leapin' lizards!

Dr. Necessiter : Yes, we have those.

[On the left wall, two iguanas are hanging out, and two smaller green lizards leap from off camera to join them]

Drunk Test Policeman : [Seeing Dr Hfuhruhurr's dead wife in his car] Wait! She's not drunk, she's dead!

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Dead? My God, I better get her to a cemetery right away!

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : I promise I'll never recite our favorite poem to anyone but you. "In Dilman's Grove": In Dilman 's Grove, My love did die, And now in ground, She'll ever lie, None could e'er, Replace her visage, Until your face, Brought thoughts of kissage.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Rebecca, I can't help comparing her to you. She has a behind so sexy you'd like to eat lunch off it. Just like we did. Remember?

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : What's going on?

Dolores : Don't interfere. He's paying me $15,000 just to touch my behind.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : You, get out of here!

[client leaves]

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : This is the kind of thing that could ruin our marriage.

Dolores : Why? Because you don't want me to work and earn my own money? Have my own career?

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : You call this a career?

Anne Uumellmahaye : Michael, who did you call a scum queen?

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Oh, just some scum queen.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Wait, turn that back. That's my favorite movie, "Donovan 's Brain".

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : [looking at an x-ray of Delores' hip] Ohhh. Boy, would I like to jump on those bones.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : When a woman who's just had major brain surgery tells you she has a headache, you've gotta listen.

Dolores : [referring to her negligee] This fits very snug. And you may have some trouble getting it off me. You may have to tear it off my body.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : I can tear. I like tearing.

Dolores : There's just something about him that makes me quiver. Is he here often?

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Just one day a week.

Dolores : What day?

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Tuesday.

Dolores : Is he ever alone? I mean, does Ramon ever go off and leave him here alone?

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Sometimes. Why?

Dolores : I'd like to know. Please, tell Ramon to warn me when he's going to leave me alone with that Juan person.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : All right, if that'll make you feel better.

Dolores : That'll make me feel much better.

Dolores : Disgusting! Brains are so ugly.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : No, it's beautiful.

Dolores : I want to be everything to you Rebecca was. I want to give you everything she gave you. Do everything she did.

[sticks Hfuhruhurr's index finger in her mouth]

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : When can you start?

Dolores : [with Hfuhruhurr's index finger in her mouth] How soon can you get home?

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Well, I have two operations. But I can do them fast, they're just brain operations.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Could you send up a bottle of champagne and put a "Do Not Disturb" on the phone for the next... We'll go in and put our bags down, start kissing, that'll be about seven minutes. Move into the bedroom, I'll slide my hands over her, remove her blouse, that'll be four or five minutes. Move over to the bed, then I'll rub each inner thigh, that would be four minutes. So I figure, like, 25 minutes of foreplay in general. I don't know if you call oral sex - is that foreplay or is that actual sex? It doesn't matter. I'd like to do it twice so... At least three hours, all right?

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : I'll have you know that in the finger-sucking department, I am extremely satisfied.

Dolores : I'm evil.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : You're not evil, you're sick.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Where is this man's brain?

Dr. Conrad : Stolen! It's the fourth incident this month.

Dolores : You divorced me.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : I'm making a citizen's annulment: Ipso facto, coitus interruptus.

Dolores : Michael, please. I wanna make it up to you.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : When? Thursday?

Dolores : How about Monday?

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr : Next Monday?

Dolores : Today Monday.