- Clark Griswald: I think you're all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fuckin' fun park and you want to bail out! Well I'll tell you something, this is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun! I'm gonna have fun, and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much fuckin' fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah' out of your assholes! Hahaha. I gotta be crazy, I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose! Holy shit!
- Rusty Griswold: [grabs Clark's shoulder] Dad, you want an aspirin or somethin'?
- Clark Griswald: ...DON'T TOUCH!
- Cousin Vicki: I'm going steady, and I French kiss.
- Audrey Griswold: So? Everybody does that.
- Cousin Vicki: Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it.
- Rusty Griswold: Wow dad, we must have jumped that rail by like 50 yards.
- Clark Griswald: Nothing to be proud of Russ...
- [pauses as Rusty walks away]
- Clark Griswald: [proudly] ... 50 yards...
- [after driving off the road]
- Ellen Griswold: I think I broke my nose.
- Rusty Griswold: I stabbed my brain.
- Audrey Griswold: I just got my period.
- Rusty Griswold: Is that a real gun, Mom?
- Ellen Griswold: I don't know, Rusty, but when this is all over, your father... may be going away for a little while.
- [Delivering the eulogy for Aunt Edna, flatly]
- Clark Griswald: O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great dispair. Yea, admit this good and decent woman into thine arms in the flock in thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he laid its down by the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her... give her a break.
- Ellen Griswold: Clark... Clark... This is a serious matter. I'll do it myself.
- Clark Griswald: Honey, I'm not an ordained minister; I'm doing my best, OK?
- Motorcycle Cop: Do you know what the penalty for animal cruelty is in this state?
- Clark Griswald: No, sir, I don't.
- Motorcycle Cop: Well... it's probably pretty stiff.
- Clark Griswald: Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the express way?
- Pimp: Fuck yo mama!
- Clark Griswald: Thank you very much.
- Rusty Griswold: Hey, ya' got Pac Man?
- Cousin Dale: No.
- Rusty Griswold: Ya' got Space Invaders?
- Cousin Dale: Nope.
- Rusty Griswold: Ya' got Asteroids?
- Cousin Dale: Naw, but my dad does. Can't even sit on the toilet some days.
- [Clark punches the Marty Moose statue]
- Ellen Griswold: Clark, what are you doing?
- Clark: We watch his program... We buy his toys, we go to his movies... he owes us. Doesn't he owe us, huh? He owes the Griswolds, right? Fucking-A right he owes us!
- Ellen Griswold: Clark, you're scaring me.
- Clark: DON'T BE SCARED! I think that someone just owes us an explanation that's all!
- Marty Moose: Sorry, folks! We're closed for two weeks to clean and repair America's favorite family fun park. Sorry, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!
- Ellen Griswold: Stay in the car! It's hot and dangerous out here.
- Aunt Edna: Don't you tell me what to do, I'll do what I want! I should never have come on this trip with you, I should have taken an airplane... and he...
- [pointing to Clark]
- Aunt Edna: He shouldn't even have a license to drive an automobile! He should be BEHIND BARS!
- Ellen Griswold: SIT down and SHUT UP! Move outta that seat and I'll split your lip!
- Ellen Griswold: This is so dangerous, Clark. We have no business being in a neighborhood like this!
- Clark Griswald: Oh I don't know, hun. This is a part of America we never get to see.
- Ellen Griswold: [sarcastic] That's good!
- Clark Griswald: Uh... no that's bad. We can't just ignore the plight of the inner cities. See the plight kids?
- [gunshots are heard and a woman is heard screaming]
- Clark Griswald: Roll 'em up!
- Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: Has your father ever killed anyone?
- Rusty: Just a dog. Oh and my Aunt Edna.
- Clark Griswald: Hey you can't prove that Russ.
- [Clark has just been pulled over by a Colorado motorcycle cop]
- Clark Griswald: Hi officer, what's the problem?
- Motorcycle Cop: Get out of the car!
- [Clark exits from the car]
- Clark Griswald: I don't think I was speeding. Was I weaving or something?
- Motorcycle Cop: Shut your mouth, sir! You know, if I weren't in uniform, I'd split your skull with the butt of this revolver faster than you can say, "police brutality!"
- Clark Griswald: Well whatever I did, I'm sure I can explain...
- [the motorcycle cop forcibily takes Clark by the arm and leads him to the rear of the car, which has a dog leash still tied to it]
- Motorcycle Cop: Explain this, you son-of-a-bitch!
- Clark Griswald: Oh my God...
- Cousin Eddie: I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don't you, Clark?
- Clark Griswald: You're the gourmet around here, Eddie.
- Clark Griswald: Could I do your back, honey?
- Ellen Griswold: I've already done my back.
- Clark Griswald: Could I do your front?
- Ellen Griswold: Go do your own front.
- Clark Griswald: Oh, you can't think I'd do this on purpose? Look... I tied him to the rear bumper while I was packing the car. It was very confusing. I must have forgot. I'm very sorry, I feel terrible.
- Motorcycle Cop: How do you think that little dog feels?
- Clark Griswald: Look, I told you I was sorry. It really was an accident.
- Motorcycle Cop: Well, I guess I can buy that, sir. But it is a shame. I had a pooch like this when I was a kid.
- [both Clark and the motorcycle cop sorrowfully look at the empty road behind them]
- Motorcycle Cop: Poor little guy. Probably kept up with you for a mile or so.
- [tearing up]
- Motorcycle Cop: Tough little mutt...
- Aunt Edna: I was afraid you'd get pulled over, Clark. You've been exeeding the speed limit for thousands of miles!
- Rusty Griswold: Dad wasn't speeding. The cop stopped us because Dad forgot to...
- Ellen Griswold: He was speeding, Rusty!
- Rusty Griswold: No he wasn't, Mom. He...
- Clark: Rusty! Listen to your mother. I was speeding. I was driving like a maniac. We can all be grateful for this man for stopping us. You see kids...
- [the motorcycle cop appears at the car window with the dog leash]
- Motorcycle Cop: Here's the leash, sir. I'm going back to get the rest of the carcass off the road.
- Ellen Griswold: Clark, let's just skip the house of mud. I think Dodge City was enough fun for one day. Besides, Catherine and Eddie are expecting us.
- Clark Griswald: It's living history Ellen. But if you'd rather see your cousins. Personally I'd rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.
- Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: That's not a real gun, is it Clark?
- Clark Griswald: Are you kidding? This is a Magnum P.I.
- Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: It's a BB gun!
- Clark Griswald: Don't tempt me. I could put an eye out with this thing.
- Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: You couldn't even break the skin with that thing.
- Rusty Griswold: Dad, this is not the car you ordered!
- Clark Griswald: Settle down Russ. Let me handle this. Ed, uh... this is not the car I ordered. I distinctly ordered the Antartic Blue Super Sports Wagon with the C.B. and optional rally fun pack.
- Ed, the car salesman: You didn't order the Metallic Pea?
- Clark Griswald: Metallic Pea?
- Ellen Griswold: The next time you have one of your outbursts, I'd really appreciate it if you think about the consideration of our kids.
- Clark Griswald: What are you talking about?
- Ellen Griswold: You don't know? After everything that happened, you still don't get it?
- Clark Griswald: I'm just trying to treat my family to a little fun.
- Ellen Griswold: Oh spare me, Clark! I know your brand of family fun. Tomorrow you'll probably kill the desk clerk, hold up a McDonalds, and drive us 1,000 miles out of the way to see the world's largest pile of mud!
- Aunt Edna: Why don't you just ask him for the money, Eddie? He sure as Hell can't take a hint.
- Cousin Eddie: Well, I didn't want to ask you, Clark, you know, but could you maybe spare a little extra cash?
- Clark Griswald: Sure, Eddie, how much do you need?
- Cousin Eddie: About $52,000.
- Clark Griswald: I just want you to ask yourself one thing. If you were... if you were me, wouldn't you do the same thing for your children?
- Roy Walley: No.
- Roy Walley: Well, somebody better explain, or there'll, uh... there'll be a lot of explaining to do.
- Clark Griswald: I'm making this out for one thousand dollars. All you have to do is give me 300 dollars in cash and keep 700 dollars, all for doing nothing more than acting like a total creep.
- Aunt Edna: You're the ones who sent me the fruitcake for Christmas. It made me so sick!
- Ellen Griswold: Oh - we're sorry. We thought you enjoyed fruitcake.
- Aunt Edna: Do you enjoy throwing up every five minutes Claude?
- Clark Griswald: Clark.
- Aunt Edna: I thought so. Whew! Well am I gonna eat, or am I gonna starve to death?
- Clark: Aah, what d'ya say honey? Ohh. Despite all the little problems, it really is fun isn't it?
- Ellen Griswold: No. But with every new day there's fresh hope.
- Clark Griswald: [talking about Aunt Edna] She can't weigh more than 100 pounds.
- Ellen Griswald: Oh, no. You can't just put her on the roof.
- Audrey Griswald: Yes, he can!
- Clark Griswald: You want me to strap her to the hood? She'll be fine. It's not as if it's going to rain or something.
- Audrey Griswold: [Looking at Vicki's trophy for hog raising] Uh, don't take this personally, Vicki; but being a farmer isn't too cool you know.
- Cousin Vicki: Oh, yeah? Well, how cool is this?
- [Reaches under her bed and pulls out a shoebox full of marijuana]
- Ellen Griswold: I honestly don't think you're going to find the Grand Canyon on this road.
- Clark Griswald: Jesus, it's only the biggest damn hole in the world.
- Aunt Edna: Clark, watch your language!
- Clark Griswald: Make that the second biggest.
- Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: Rusty, may I call you Rusty? I had a bad experience on this ride once.
- Rusty Griswold: What happened?
- Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: I threw up.
- Ellen Griswald: We're not really violent people. This is our first gun.
- Clark Griswald: No, it isn't.
- Aunt Edna: Did you tell Clark and Ellen the good news?
- Cousin Catherine: [nervously] Uh, no; I was just about to.
- Ellen Griswold: Good news, what good news, Catherine?
- Aunt Edna: You're driving me to Phoenix!
- [Clark begins choking on his hamburger]
- Clark Griswald: [to the Dodge City bartender] Hey Knucklehead, set us up with four Red eye's will ya?
- [the bartender ignors him]
- Clark Griswald: Hey Yellabelly, I'm talking to you!
- [the bartender glares at Clark]
- Clark Griswald: Hey Tender foot, move your chicken wings turkey!
- [the bartender angrily glares at Clark]
- Ellen Griswold: Clark, that's not nice.
- Clark Griswald: Relax, it's all part of the act.
- [to the bartender]
- Clark Griswald: Hey Underpants...
- [the bartender pulls out a double-barrled shotgun and shoots Clark!]
- [In Cousin Normy's backyard in the pouring rain]
- Ellen Griswold: We can't leave her on the patio!
- Clark Griswald: Would you rather I slipped her in the night deposit box at the funeral home?
- [In the middle of a desert. Clark is going crazy as he trots through the hills. Two native Americans on horses watch him]
- Clark Griswald: We pass a damn gas station every hundred yards for a thousand miles, but when you really need one, you end up walking your ass off. This is no way to run a desert!
- [Coughs and continues to rant]
- Cowboy: What an asshole.
- Ellen Griswold: Lord, we loved this woman with all our heart.
- Audrey Griswold: Let's not overdo it, mom.
- Ellen Griswold: Shut up.
- Clark Griswald: I don't give a frog's fat ass who went through what. We need money! Hey, Russ, wanna look through Aunt Edna's purse?
- Rusty Griswold: Mom, my sandwich is all wet.
- Ellen Griswold: They're all wet... Oh God!... The dog wet on the picnic basket.
- Ellen Griswold: Gee Cath looks like you really got your hands full.
- Catherine: Oh, it's not so bad. Eddie says after the baby comes, I can quit one of my night jobs.
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