Graham Chapman credited as playing...
Yellowbeard
- Yellowbeard: Dying's the easy way out. You won't catch me dying. They'll have to kill me before I die!
- Commander Clement: Twenty years ago today you were sentenced to jail.
- Yellowbeard: Yes, and now I'm due to released.
- Commander Clement: Yes. Or rather, no. You see, twenty years ago, no one was expected to live in jail for twenty years.
- Dan: Look, if you cut my head off it'll start to putrify!
- Yellowbeard: Do what?
- Dan: Putrify, go rotten!
- Yellowbeard: Yeah, it would ooze a lot, heads do. But I could live with that.
- Betty: When little Dan was two minutes old I tattooed it on his head.
- Yellowbeard: Does he know about this?
- Betty: Oh, no no no, that's why I kept him in the cupboard for three years. That may be why he's a bit odd with all these books, and reading, and stuff like that.
- Yellowbeard: Where's the map?
- Betty: What map?
- Yellowbeard: If you say you don't know where it is, I'll nail your tits to the table!
- Dan: Everyone will be following you and if they catch you they'll have the map.
- Yellowbeard: Bugger them! I'll eat it first. Won't be the first head I've eaten.
- Troila: What's happened to Daddy?
- Yellowbeard: I killed him!
- Dan: He's gone to heaven.
- Troila: Aw, that's nice! He sent all his friends there.
- Yellowbeard: Alright, Dan, if you're my son, prove it. Kill this stupid old bugger!
- Lord Lambourn: Hold your horses...
- Dan: I can't kill him! He brought me up! Just like a father.
- Yellowbeard: Oh, you mean he's beat ya and kicked ya and smashed ya in the teeth?
- Lord Lambourn: Yes...
- Dan: No!
- Lord Lambourn: No.
- Dan: He's been kind and gentle.
- Yellowbeard: What kind of a father is that? Kill him!
- Dan: No!
- Yellowbeard: Alright, I'll do it!
- Yellowbeard: Betrayin's all part of piratin'. If you don't know that you're not even close to being a pirate, "Prawn of my loins", my foot!
- Dan: What?
- Yellowbeard: You're either born a pirate or not! It's in the blood Dan, and it's not in your blood or you'd have betrayed me long ago!
- Betty: Well, it's been awhile since we had a little cuddle.
- Yellowbeard: I raped ya, if that's what you mean.
- Betty: Okay. It was half-cuddle, half-rape.
- Yellowbeard: I'm sure I killed the last one I raped, it can't have been you.
- Betty: Well, the afterplay was a bit on the rough side, but not fatal dear.
- Yellowbeard: Oh, been out raping, lad?
- [sees Troila]
- Yellowbeard: Nice work lad.
- Dan: No, I haven't raped her!
- Yellowbeard: [disappointed] No, you wouldn't have you poncy little git! You're not the prawn of my loins, your mother's a bloody liar!
- [grins]
- Yellowbeard: That's what I liked about her!
- Yellowbeard: When they stretched me on the rack for a couple of years, I didn't go around dyin' all over the place!
- Gilbert: Where did you hide the treasure, exactly?
- Yellowbeard: You won't catch me with those trick questions.
- Yellowbeard: Who're you talkin' about?
- Betty: The fruit of your loins, sugar drawers.
- Yellowbeard: Are you mad, woman? I haven't got fruit in my loins! Lice, yes, and proud of 'em!
- Betty: When little Dan came along...
- Yellowbeard: Who's Dan?
- Betty: [indignantly] My and probably your son!