- Gay Cop: Oooh... we almost caught him in a park just the other night...
- Gay Cop: ...but he gave us the slip.
- Gay Cop: And then we followed him all the way downtown...
- Gay Cop: ...and again, he gave us the slip.
- Gay Cop: That's right... uhhh, well he gave me a blue slip. What color was your slip?
- Gay Cop: Mine was chartreuse!
- Gay Cop: Ooooh... take my breath away!
- Officer Kent Lane: Rough part of town.
- Officer Melvin White: Yeah. Oh, you're not kidding look at that over there! We'd better pull over.
- Officer Kent Lane: What for?
- Officer Melvin White: What for? That guy's parked in front of a fire hydrant!
- Officer Sue Perman: [radio announcement] Car 39 - man in trouble at 1545 Venice Drive. Victim shot 15 times in head; says he needs help.
- Tony Baroni: Hey, you know me? Tony Baroni. I'm lookin' for a manager...
- Kate Parker: Your act sucks kid, beat it!
- Tony Baroni: [takes off sunglasses] ... Maybe you didn't see the face, that's what it must be right?
- Kate Parker: Go. Away.
- Officer Kent Lane: Okay Melvin, I want you to cover for me.
- Officer Melvin White: Wait, wait. Is there any chance of you letting me go out there, and you cover for me?
- Officer Kent Lane: Are you crazy? You're just a rookie. I've been doing Night Patrol now for 10 years. Just keep your eyes peeled.
- Officer Melvin White: Yeah but, I'll be a rookie all my life unless you give me a chance. Now look, I know I can do it you gotta trust me. Please, just this one time.
- Officer Kent Lane: ...Okay.
- Officer Melvin White: Great, you won't be sorry I swear.
- Officer Kent Lane: Be careful.
- Officer Melvin White: I will. You'll be proud of me, okay?
- Officer Melvin White: [exits car] Before I go, let me get the straight now that's two jelly donuts, one glazed, two coffees, one with cream one without sugar. Right?
- Officer Kent Lane: Right!
- Officer Melvin White: Right.
- Officer Melvin White: [knocking on vehicle window] What are you doing in there?
- Pick-up truck driver: Neckin'!
- Officer Melvin White: Well, uhh, you're gonna have to put your neck back in your pants and go some place else!
- Officer Melvin White: What kind of soup you got?
- Gross Waiter: Cream of washroom.
- Officer Melvin White: Cream of washroom, sounds good I'll have that.
- The Unknown Comic: I got a joke for you that's gonna make your boobies fall off... oh, you already heard it!
- Officer Kent Lane: As far as I'm concerned you're my number one suspect - now what were you doing in that bathroom?
- Officer Melvin White: Number two.
- Officer Kent Lane: ...Okay, you're my number two suspect, then.
- Officer Kent Lane: You like girls don't ya?
- Officer Melvin White: Yeah, of course...
- Officer Kent Lane: Name one.
- Officer Melvin White: Well uh... Edith Hutton.
- Officer Kent Lane: Edith Hutton?
- Officer Melvin White: You know her?
- Officer Kent Lane: Know her? The entire navy knows her.
- Officer Melvin White: That's nice, I didn't know she was so patriotic!
- Officer Melvin White: Are you crazy?
- [man gets out of car dressed in a straight jacket, laughing maniacally]
- Crazy Man: No... I'm into bondage.
- Officer Melvin White: Oh, I see. Alright, forget it.
- Crazy Man: Wait... will you poke me with your pencil?