What we have here is a movie nobody ever heard of, plain and simple. To put it a bit more refined: Not one single name in the complete cast & crew rings any kind of bell (at least not in my case), the bloody thing gets a 2.6 rating on here (an average out of an astonishing 35 votes, well, count in my 2/10 and that makes 36), the leading guy, our hero of the movie, only managed to pop up in one episode from "The Dukes Of Hazard" after this feature film, and the director just stopped making films altogether. All these random facts form an irrefutable warrant that when and if you ever stumble upon the amazing "Sloane" (1984), you better damn well realize that you are holding a piece of fried gold in your hands.
"Sloane" stars action superstar Robert Resnick (the most famous guy you've never ever even heard of) on his way to the Philippines to save some chick from, uhm, bad Philippino guys. The film starts with a home invasion scene vaguely reminiscing the first two "Death Wish" films (with Charles Bronson of course, though I doubt he'd be a match for Robert Resnick in a showdown). All the rest of the film has action superstar Resnick - I mean, the amazing Sloane! - running and driving around looking for the kidnapped girl. A purpose or mission he (along with the viewer) keeps forgetting about, as he gets involved in all sorts of distracting situations. Yes, that also involves a 'love interest' that he gets to have sex with later on in the movie.
In case it's not seeping through already, "Sloane" is extremely dumb & idiotic and plain wrong, wrong, wrong. True gutter-cinema. And exaggeratedly macho and not really women-friendly to boot (but Sloane never looses his shirt during action sequences, a quite baffling detail I might add). It features a great deal of violence like fistfights, shooting people and blowing things up, cutting bad guys up with broken bottles, one guy gets his face mangled to pulp underneath the hood of a car with the motor running (sorry folks, it's not all that spectacular), some more excessive shooting but this time just wildly at random without hitting anything (I think at one point some bad guys got bored outside and started shooting rabbits, but we never get to see this - you can hear them, though), Sloane biting off the head of a snake during a car chase sequence (yes, you have to really see it before you can believe it), dropping bombs out of a helicopter on Philippinos (no, that's not some metaphor for going to the toilet) and yes, of course, there's naked tits left and right too. There's also some dumb bits of humor. Couldn't quite figure out which was intended and what else wasn't.
And one of the most incomprehensible things of this flick, happens during the final act... At one point Sloane enters a cave while trying to escape those damned Philippinos with machine guns, and then all of the sudden it feels like you've entered an 80's Italian jungle movie. It's a genuine 'scratch your head' part, I tell you. And the ending is a hoot too! Just watch what Sloane means by "still have to take care of a couple things"...
I wonder why this film never got a sequel...? Oh yes, that's right, everyone involved with it stopped making movies afterwards.
So there you have it. Strongly recommended if you've liked other amazing pieces of action cinema like "Deadly Prey" (featuring a similar blonde action hero, though no match for Sloane of course), "Black Cobra 3: The Manila Connection" (starring Fred Williamson, who again is no match for Sloane, of course) and "White Fire" (Robert Ginty vs. Sloane? Pfff, are you kidding me?).
Screw this, I'm rating this 10/10. Sloane's the man. He has a dim-witted face, talks like a castrated moron, is extremely unpleasant company to have around... and still he gets all the women. He gets the remaining 8 points as a bonus for that one.
