Bruce Willis credited as playing...
David Addison Jr. • Baby Hayes • Pertrucio
- Security Officer: I'm sorry, but you're not on the guest list.
- David Addison: That's because we're not guests. We're looking for a man with a mole on his nose.
- Security Officer: A mole on his nose?
- Maddie Hayes: A mole on his nose.
- Security Officer: [to Maddie] What kind of clothes?
- Maddie Hayes: [to David] What kind of clothes?
- David Addison: What kind of clothes do you suppose?
- Security Officer: What kind of clothes do I suppose would be worn by a man with a mole on his nose? Who knows?
- David Addison: Did I happen to mention, did I bother to disclose, that this man that we're seeking with the mole on his nose? I'm not sure of his clothes or anything else, except he's Chinese, a big clue by itself.
- Maddie Hayes: How do you do that?
- David Addison: Gotta read a lot of Dr. Seuss.
- Security Officer: I'm sorry to say, I'm sad to report, I haven't seen anyone at all of that sort. Not a man who's Chinese with a mole on his nose with some kind of clothes that you can't suppose. So get away from this door and get out of this place, or I'll have to hurt you - put my foot in your face.
- David: I remember when they told Sylvia Plath, "Hey, Syl, cheer up!" I remember when they told e. e. cummings, "e, baby; use caps!" But did ol' e listen? No. Little n. Little o.
- Maddie Hayes: You are eye crust!
- David Addison: The better to see you with, my dear.
- Maddie Hayes: You are navel lint!
- David Addison: Expensive navel lint.
- Maddie Hayes: You are...
- David Addison: Don't go much lower, they'll take us off the air.
- Maddie Hayes: Well, let me remind you Mr. Addison, that one case does not a detective make.
- David Addison: Well, let me remind you Ms. Hayes, that I HATE IT WHEN YOU TALK BACKWARDS.
- Maddie Hayes: Since when did my personal life outside the office become fair game for your amusement inside the office?
- David Addison: If I remember correctly, since you started working here.
- David: Get serious? Maddie, I just touched your rear end, if I get any more serious they're gonna move us to cable!
- Maddie Hayes: David, may I please have some ANSWERS?
- David Addison: Delaware, all of the above, 90 degrees.
- [Reading a ransom note]
- Maddie Hayes: "Exactly"'s all in capital letters. What do you think that means?
- David Addison: I think it means exactly what it says.
- Maddie Hayes: Good husband, are we married merrily?
- David Addison: Yea, verily, we are married merrily... though at first warily, and unfortunately quite sterilely.
- [Maddie grabs David by the throat]
- Maddie Hayes: Addison! You better figure out a way to get me off this train!
- David Addison: Whoa! Lady, I will gladly get you off this train. I will throw you off this train, if necessary, but kindly refrain from any physical act that is not of an erotic nature.
- Maddie Hayes: I didn't even know you had a brother.
- David Addison: Never thought of him as a brother - just mom and dad's science project.
- David Addison: What about this banquet? I don't want to go.
- Maddie Hayes: We're going. It's very important.
- David Addison: Important for what? Okay, it will give us a chance to fight in public, but what else?
- Maddie Hayes: I wouldn't want you losing any more sleep over me.
- David Addison: Believe me, if and when I ever find myself over you, the last thing I'll be thinking about is sleeping.
- Maddie Hayes: I got an idea!
- David Addison: Excuse me?
- Maddie Hayes: An idea. You know, an original thought. You've heard of them. Anyway, I was just lying in my bed last night, just lying there, feeling terrible about telling that poor man that he couldn't write Mrs. Woodley anymore, when suddenly, BA-BING! I get this idea...
- David Addison: Ba-what?
- Maddie Hayes: Huh?
- David Addison: Ba-what? I thought I just heard you say ba-bing.
- Maddie Hayes: Ba-bing? So what if I did say ba-bing? So what? Anyway, David, I suddenly realized - why are you looking at me like that?
- David Addison: Huh?
- Maddie Hayes: Why are you looking at me like that?
- David Addison: You're doing me.
- Maddie Hayes: I'm WHAT?
- David Addison: You're doing me, Maddie. You come in here, you slam the door, you say ba-bing, you sit on the corner of that desk - I know what I'm talking about, Maddie Hayes. This is not just some idea I plucked out of my head willy-nilly - now I'm doing you!
- Maddie Hayes: David! Are you all right?
- David Addison: Trust me Maddie, we are doing this backwards. Let's just go to your office and start all over.