Tim Curry credited as playing...
Wadsworth
- Wadsworth: You *were* jealous that your husband was schtupping Yvette. That's why you killed him, too!
- Mrs. White: Yes. Yes, I did it. I killed Yvette. I hated her, so much...
- [stammers]
- Mrs. White: it-it- the f - it -flam - flames. Flames, on the side of my face, breathing-breathl- heaving breaths. Heaving breaths... Heathing...
- Wadsworth: Professor Plum, you were once a professor of psychiatry specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur.
- Professor Plum: Yes, but now I work for the United Nations.
- Wadsworth: So your work has not changed.
- Colonel Mustard: Wadsworth, am I right in thinking there's nobody else in this house?
- Wadsworth: Um... no.
- Colonel Mustard: Then there is someone else in this house?
- Wadsworth: Sorry, I said "no" meaning "yes."
- Colonel Mustard: "No" meaning "yes?" Look, I want a straight answer, is there someone else, or isn't there, yes, or no?
- Wadsworth: No.
- Colonel Mustard: No there is, or no there isn't?
- Wadsworth: Yes.
- Mrs. White: [shatters glass] PLEASE!
- Mr. Green: So it was you. I was going to expose you.
- Wadsworth: I know. So I choose to expose myself.
- Colonel Mustard: Please, there are ladies present!
- Wadsworth: The game's up, Scarlet. There are no more bullets left in that gun.
- Miss Scarlet: Oh, come on, you don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick?
- Wadsworth: It's not a trick. There was one shot at Mr. Boddy in the Study; two for the chandelier; two at the Lounge door and one for the singing telegram.
- Miss Scarlet: That's not six.
- Wadsworth: One plus two plus two plus one.
- Miss Scarlet: Uh-uh, there was only one shot that got the chandelier. That's one plus two plus *one* plus one.
- Wadsworth: Even if you were right, that would be one plus one plus two plus one, not one plus *two* plus one plus one.
- Miss Scarlet: Okay, fine. One plus two plus one... Shut up! The point is, there is one bullet left in this gun and guess who's gonna get it!
- Wadsworth: I can explain everything.
- Cop: You don't have to.
- Wadsworth: I don't?
- Cop: Don't worry, there's nothing illegal about any of this.
- Wadsworth: Are you sure?
- Cop: Of course, this is America.
- Wadsworth: I see.
- Cop: It's a free country, don't you know that?
- Wadsworth: I didn't know it was *that* free.
- Wadsworth: The key is gone!
- Professor Plum: Never mind about the key, unlock the door!
- [smacks Mr.Green on the shoulder]
- Mr. Green: [grabs Professor Plum by the collar, throttling him] I CAN'T UNLOCK THE DOOR WITHOUT THE KEY!
- [releasing Plum, Mr. Green rattles doorknob]
- Mr. Green: LET US IN! LET US IN!
- Colonel Mustard, Miss Scarlet: [on other side of locked door] LET US OUT! LET US OUT!
- Wadsworth: [shouting] That's what we're trying to find out! We're trying to find out *who* killed him, and *where*, and with *what*!
- Professor Plum: There's no need to shout!
- Wadsworth: [shouting louder] I'm not shouting!
- [Guests stare at him pointedly]
- Wadsworth: [shouting] All right, I am! I'm shouting, I'm shouting, I'm shout...
- [candlestick falls from above and hits him on the head]
- Wadsworth: ...and to make a long story short...
- Miss Scarlet, Mrs. White, Colonel Mustard, Mrs. Peacock, Mr. Green, Colonel Mustard: Too late!
- Wadsworth: Mrs. White, you've been paying our friend, the blackmailer, ever since your husband died under, shall we say, mysterious circumstances?
- Miss Scarlet: Ah!
- [laughs]
- Mrs. White: Why is that funny?
- Miss Scarlet: I see! That's why he was lying on his back, in his coffin.
- Mrs. White: I didn't kill him.
- Colonel Mustard: Then why are you paying the blackmailer?
- Mrs. White: I dont want a scandal, do I? We had had a very humiliating public confrontation. He was deranged. He was
- [points to head]
- Mrs. White: a lunatic! He didn't actually seem to like me very much; he had threatened to kill me in public.
- Miss Scarlet: Why would he wanna kill you in public?
- Wadsworth: I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.
- [rolls eyes]
- Miss Scarlet: Oh. Was that his final word on the matter?
- Mrs. White: Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't you say?
- Wadsworth: And yet, he was the one who died, not you, Mrs. White, not you!
- Miss Scarlet: What did he do for a living?
- Mrs. White: He was a scientist, nuclear physics.
- Miss Scarlet: What was he like?
- Mrs. White: He was always a rather stupidly optimistic man. I mean, I'm afraid it came as a great shock to hime when he died, but, he was found dead at home. His head had been cut off, and so had his, uh... you *know*.
- [Colonel Mustard, Professor Plum, and Mr. Green cross legs]
- Mrs. White: I had been out all evening at the movies.
- Miss Scarlet: Do you miss him?
- Mrs. White: Well, it's a matter of life after death. Now that he's dead, I have a life.
- Wadsworth: But, he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared.
- Mrs. White: But that was his job. He was an illusionist.
- Wadsworth: But he never reappeared!
- Mrs. White: [admittedly] He wasn't a very good illusionist.
- Mr. Green: [to Miss Scarlet] So, how did you know Colonel Mustard works in Washington? Is he one of your clients?
- Colonel Mustard: Certainly not!
- Mr. Green: I was asking Miss Scarlet.
- Colonel Mustard: [to Miss Scarlet] Well, you tell him it's not true.
- Miss Scarlet: It's not true.
- Professor Plum: [to Miss Scarlet] Is that true?
- Miss Scarlet: No, it's not true.
- Mr. Green: Ah ha! So it is true!
- Wadsworth: A double negative!
- Colonel Mustard: A double negative?
- [whispering]
- Colonel Mustard: You mean you have photographs?
- Wadsworth: That sounds like a confession to me. In fact the double negative has led to proof positive. I'm afraid you gave yourself away.
- Colonel Mustard: [angry, to Wadsworth] Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?
- Wadsworth: You don't need any help from me, sir.
- Colonel Mustard: That's right!
- Cop: [listening to caller on phone] Ah, would you hold on, please?
- [Walks over to locked door, rattling the knob and banging on door]
- Cop: Let me outta here! Let me outta here! You have no right to shut me in! I'll book you for false arrest, and wrongful imprisonment, and obstructing an officer in the course of his duty... and MURDER!
- Wadsworth: [Wadsworth opens the door, feigning innocence, while other guests gather around] What do you mean... murder?
- Cop: I just said it so you would open the door.
- [other guests laugh]
- Cop: What's going on around here? And why would you lock me in? And why are you receiving phone calls from J. Edgar Hoover?
- Wadsworth: J. Edgar Hoover?
- Cop: That's right! The head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation!
- Colonel Mustard: Why is J. Edgar Hoover on your phone?
- Wadsworth: I don't know, he's on everybody else's, why shouldn't he be on mine?
- Mrs. Peacock: What are you all staring at?
- Mr. Green: Nothing.
- Mrs. Peacock: Well who's there?
- Colonel Mustard: Nobody.
- Mrs. Peacock: What do you mean?
- Wadsworth: Nobody. No body, that's what we mean. Mr. Boddy's body, it's gone.
- Mrs. White: Maybe he wasn't dead.
- Professor Plum: He was!
- Mrs. White: We should've made sure.
- Mrs. Peacock: How?
- [muttering]
- Mrs. Peacock: By cutting his head off, I suppose.
- Mrs. White: That was uncalled for!
- Wadsworth: "Ours is not to reason why, ours is but to do and die."
- Professor Plum: Die?
- Wadsworth: Merely quoting, sir, from Alfred, Lord Tennyson.
- Colonel Mustard: Hm, I prefer Kipling, myself. "The female of the species is more deadly than the male." You like Kipling, Miss Scarlet?
- [offers her a tray]
- Miss Scarlet: [takes food off the tray] Sure, I'll eat anything.
- Professor Plum: What is your top-secret job, Colonel?
- Wadsworth: I can tell you. He's working on the secret of the next fusion bomb.
- Colonel Mustard: How did you know that?
- Wadsworth: Can you keep a secret?
- Colonel Mustard: Yes...
- Wadsworth: So can I.