Nine Deaths of the Ninja

9 Deaths of the Ninja (1985)is one of those guilty pleasure films. It's so bad that it's enjoyable. A fourth entry into the Ninja series (following Enter the Ninja, Revenge of the Ninja and Ninja III: The Domination). 9DOAN stars Sho Kosugi as a government agent who travels to the Philippines in order to stop a gang of terrorists.

Sho Kosugi's acting is about as good as his English and the rest of the cast makes him look like Sir Lawrence Olivier. This movie is so bad, bad in the tradition of the cheese classic Final Mission. But I enjoyed very, very much. If you like Sho Kosugi or those wacky Cannon films, then this one's for you!

Highly recommended (for all the wrong reasons).

Anti-terrorist agents are assigned to rescue a busload of adults and schoolchildren who are taken hostage in the Philippines.

Director Emmett Alston's offering opens with martial arts acting legend Shô Kosugi and Brent Huff on mission with explosions, shurikens, hammy deaths and badly staged action; but it's all is fine, as it's really only a training exercise. Nine Deaths of the Ninja is the James Bond ninja film of the 80s, the theatrical opening credits complete with female dancers, a smoke machine and a theme tune that Sheena Easton maybe proud of.

With an array of periodic weapon play, bow and arrows, nunchakus and sword fights to name a few there's also ninja traps and surprise deaths. But despite the title, Alston's insists on trying to make a Bond film complete with wall to wall women, waterfalls, boats, helicopters, jungles, a dwarf, larger than life villains, including a wheel chair bound German baddie. It had its own version of M (played by Octopussy's Vijay Amritraj) and money Penny-like secretary. Kane Kosugi the child actor from Revenge of the Ninja also appears. Aiko Cownden is notable and Regina Richardson does her best Grace Jones. Leah Navarro appear briefly but Emilia Crow steals every scene.

It's a wonderful looking film, with momentary feel good vibes littered throughout, fully utilising the real locations as a backdrop. However, the tone is a mix bag, serious at times, a severed head, an attempted rape, prostitution, kidnapping etc. In contrast to some hammy acting, goofy dialogue and outlandish setups. It's of it's time, exploitative, sexist and offensive - at times on the nose, others times without even realising. For a Ninja film it's talkie with the action scenes few and far between but when they come they're done well, with gusto and usually with a one liner thrown in here and there for good measure.

Overall, worth watching if you're a Kosugi fan, also if you've always wondered what would happen if you mixed Never Say Never Again with a Ninja film and the A-Team.

You know, I can sort of see where the director and producer were trying to go with this one.

There are some elements here that are obviously supposed to be funny, or at least camp: the "Cherman" pervert/Nazi in the wheelchair, the attack midgets, the alarming hairdoes on the two female leads, the Amazon squad, etc.And there are some other elements that were obviously supposed to be sexy and glamorous - the opening credit sequence apes James Bond, Sho Kosugi spends a lot of time with his shirt off, various and bad guys are always on the verge of molesting their female hostages. And some action sequences were obviously meant to pull in the ninja/covert ops fans.

So it looks as if these guys were trying to promote Sho Kosugi from the ninja film ghetto to a more mainstream audience by imitating a Jackie Chan film from the "Armor Of God"/"Protector" era. But they didn't have the chops or the cast or the writing to pull it off. The results are, well, pretty crappy.

9DOTN is stupid where it tries to be witty or camp, and the action sequences are strictly going-through-the-motions. By trading the old rough-cut, cheesy Golan-Globus approach for something slicker and duller, and with even worse acting, the movie manages to throw away whatever reason there was to watch Sho in the first place.

I found my copy of "9 Deaths" in a Crown Pictures compilation with 12 flicks for 5 bucks, so I'm not complaining - much. Watch only if you are the hardest-of-hard-core fan of stupid movies.

I am actually still laughing out loud at this 80's action flick! I had forgotten how ridiculously hilarious it actually was until today..!

The first 10 minutes alone is without a doubt the main cause for most action fans to switch this off with a dreadful staged action-packed opening (please take that with a pinch of salt) and James Bond styled opening credits song, complete with dancing girls and a topless Sho Kosugi dancing with his weapons - Jesus Christ, who came up with this one?!?

The film drags along at a snails pace - thankfully with enough unintentional comedy to keep you entertained - with the introduction of some wild over-the-top villains including a quartet of 'kung fu' (again, please add salt) who are easily defeated by lifting them up and shaking them, or simply by spinning them round and around.

As an action movie, this one falls comfortably in with action flicks such as Naked Gun, Airplane and the earliest James Bond films. It's just embarrassing!

How Sho Kosugi (with all due respect) got to be a huge Asian star in 80's America and Jackie Chan didn't, is beyond me... I'm not saying that the negatives to this film is down to him - that would be the fault of director Emmett Alston - but what a waste of talent. We have seen what Sho can do in other films, and how good he can be, but in this... ugh!

But lets look at it like this - 9 Deaths of the Ninja is a masterpiece IF it was genuinely made as a parody of 80's action films...

But I don't think it was!!

Overall: Pee before watching. May cause uncontrollable bladder problems...

As one who pretends to have benefitted from a post-graduate education, I am almost ashamed of my love for this, the best/worst of the Ninja flicks. And while Ninja films are no longer in vogue among the "militia in training " college drinking crowd, this one is worth a look by anyone who loves MST3K or bad movies in general. The stupidity of this film is so self-contained that it needs no clever running commentary, but feel free to drink a few beers and add you own MST3K witticisms anyway.

Check out this plot: a band of terrorists hijacks a busload of tourists and makes several unclear demands. The terrorists are led by Alby the Cruel (Blackie Dammett, father of Red Hot Chili Pepper Anthony Kiedis), who sits in a wheelchair wearing elegant lady's gloves, accompanied by his pet monkey. Alby speaks in a poor German accent, with such great lines as "Az you gan zee, the hoztagez are un-har-med!" Alby's crew includes sexy Col. Honey Hump (a militant lesbian), Dr. Wolf (a sexual deviant) and Rahji the Butcher (Alby's gay lover). Of this bunch, Rahji is the most hilarious, wandering around with this forced malevolent chuckle all the time.

The good guys that come to save the day include Sho Kosugi, whose normal gravelly, yogurt-filled voice is cleverly dubbed by someone who sounds like a pop radio deejay, and Bent Huff, who spends most of his time grinning Puckishly whenever Sho Kosugi gets into a fight (trust me, I'm not making this up). Emilia Lesniak rounds out the trio, a sexy blonde of such immeasurable talent that she never worked in cinema again. Their commander , Vijay Rankin, is played by Vijay Amritraj, that dorky Indian tennis pro who starred in the lame James Bond flick "Octopussy" opposite Roger Moore. Amritraj has many pathetic lines, but the best one comes when he gets a phone call and exclaims, "What? Hijacked?"

Is there a reason to see this film? Well, this one has the potential to be one of the all-time great beer-drinking movies, even though it has nothing to do with fraternities, sex or keggers that last until the wee hours of dawn. I quit drinking when I graduated from college, but I still pop "Nine Deaths" in the VCR now and then because in brings back the giddy sensation of intoxication without the hangover. This one is as bad as it gets, and yet, like a car crash or an episode of "Saved By the Bell," you watch it in spite of yourself.

If ever a bad film deserved a cult following, however, this one is it.