- Ancient Elf: The Prophecy has come to pass, that there would come to us a Chosen One, and that he, having no child of his own, would love all children everywhere, and that he himself would be an artisan, and a craftsman, and a skilled maker of toys.
- [to Santa]
- Ancient Elf: And now, Chosen One, come forward. From this day on, now and forever, you will bring all our gifts to all the children in all the world, and all this to be done on Christmas Eve.
- Santa Claus: How can I do so much in just one night?
- Ancient Elf: Oh, yes, well know this: time travels with you. The night of the world is a passage of endless night for you, until your mission is done. This is your legacy, and your gift... as is the gift of flight. Now, all those within the sound of my voice, and all those on this Earth everywhere know that henceforth, you will be called Santa Claus. And now, everyone, Merry Christmas.
- Anya Claus: [Dooley is reading Twas The Night Before Christmas] What is it?
- Santa Claus: It's a poem. A poem about me. They say it's a big hit.
- Dooley: He had a broad face, and a little round belly that shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
- Santa Claus: What was that? That last part.
- Dooley: [reading with hesitation] He had a broad face.
- Santa Claus: Yes. Go on.
- Dooley: [continues reading with hesitation] And a little round belly that shook when he laughed like a bowl full of...
- Santa Claus: Jelly.
- Dooley: It's... just a poem.
- Santa Claus: [unhappy] Is that how they think I look?
- Anya Claus: [struggling not to laugh] Well... The cookies.
- Patch: It's the cookies.
- [the other elves snicker]
- Santa Claus: You have folks saying that Santa Claus only rewards the good little boys and girls.
- Anya Claus: Isn't that how it should be?
- Santa Claus: All right. Dooley, make up a list of who is naughty and nice.
- Dooley: Yes, sir.
- Santa Claus: And be careful. I'll be checking it twice.
- B.Z.: What would it cost?
- Patch: Cost? Cost who?
- B.Z.: The people, who, who buy the toy.
- Patch: Well, nothing. We're going to give them away free.
- [B.Z. begins spluttering and his face turns beet red]
- Patch: Oh! Oh, that's fantastic! How do you turn your face so red so fast?
- B.Z.: FOR FREE?
- Patch: Well, that's how we do it in the North Pole.
- B.Z.: WELL, THAT'S NOT HOW WE DO IT HERE! IN A FREE ENTERPRISE SYSTEM!
- Santa Claus: Maybe the whole idea is no good anymore.
- Anya Claus: What are you talking about? What idea?
- Santa Claus: Christmas.
- Anya Claus: Claus!
- Santa Claus: The world is a different place now, Anya. You don't see it. The people don't seem to care about giving a gift just so they can see the light of happiness in a friend's eyes.
- [B.Z. is in court over his dangerous toys which include a flammable doll]
- Senate Chairman: Well, what do you have to say to that, sir?
- B.Z.: Well, Senator, I've always known that cigarette smoking could be hazardous to your health.
- [laughs]
- Senate Chairman: This is not a laughing matter, sir! This is a tragedy waiting to happen! You, sir, are a disgrace to your profession!
- B.Z.: Senator, with all due respect...
- Senate Chairman: And I believe THIS toy was advertised as being suitable for three-year-olds.
- [Man picks up teddy bear and rips off the head and tips out contents of sand, nails and broken glass]
- B.Z.: Senator, I'm even more astonished than you are to see this and I assure you that if these are not isolated examples, I'll make sure they never happen again.
- Senate Chairman: Well, you better do more than that, sir. You better withdraw every B.Z. Toy on the market or I'll personally see to it that your license to manufacture and distribute in the United States is REVOKED!
- [Towzer comments to B.Z. about the proposed puce lollipop]
- Towzer: If this catches on, we can come out with a liquid version: puce juice.
- Santa Claus: Don't you know who I am?
- Joe: Sure, you're a nut.
- Santa Claus: I'm Santa Claus.
- Joe: Right, and I'm the tooth fairy.
- Santa Claus: Well! I guess I'll just have to do it my way.
- Patch: You'll fix it so I can get on the telly... what's-it?
- B.Z.: When?
- Patch: Uh, Christmas Eve.
- B.Z.: How long?
- Patch: Is a minute all right?
- B.Z.: Yeah. What channel?
- Patch: [simply] Well all of them.
- B.Z.: All of them?
- Patch: Yeah.
- B.Z.: Which country?
- Patch: [simply] All of them.
- B.Z.: [shocked] ALL of them?
- Patch: [pleased] Yes! All the countries, all the channels!
- B.Z.: [incredulous] That would cost a fortune!
- Towzer: The retailers are pulling our toys off the shelves so fast you'd think they're disease carriers.
- B.Z.: Cowards.
- Towzer: And an article in the Post said that anyone who gives his kid a B.Z. toy ought to have his head examined.
- B.Z.: Swine! Cancel my subscription.
- Towzer: We have to meet a payroll by the end of the month for 2,000 factory workers.
- B.Z.: Commies!
- Santa Claus: Patch gone? Where will he go? What will he do? The world is no place for an elf.
- Boog: The world's a nice enough place, isn't it?
- Honka: I mean, they send such nice letters from there! It must be!
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