- Father Guido Sarducci: That's forever. Forever. I know some Priests they say forever and ever. I really don't think the 'and ever' is necessary. Forever kinda covers it, you know. Forever means forever.
- Gilda Radner: My, uh, my name is Gilda Radner. Uh, I've had extensive experience in children's theater. I worked for the board of education.
- Father Guido Sarducci: I gotta this idea for a school I would like to start. Something called the Five Minute University. And it - the idea is that in five minutes you learn what the average college graduate remembers five years after he or she's out of-a school.
- Gilda Radner: Be sure to watch me when I compete in the 1980 Summer Olympics. Cause that's the last time I'm gonna be cute! We Eastern Europeans don't age too gracefully. Pretty soon I'll be a big fat Romanian woman with a little black mustache. You won't want to see me then!
- Gilda Radner: As I look out at your sweet, young tender little journalistic faces, with those stupid flat black caps on with the tassels hangin off of 'em, I can't help but know exactly what you're thinkin'. You're probably saying to yourself: Hey, I'm a college graduate. I spent a lot of time at school. What does journalism have to offer me? What do I have to offer journalism? What is there to write about? What is there to write with? Should a use a pencil or a typewriter? What kind of pencil? A number 2 pencil or one that writes darker? Where do I get these pencils? Do I bring them in or does my boss give 'em to me? If I don't bring 'em in, will I get fired? If I get fired, I'll starve and then I'll die. What should I do? Class of '79, for college graduates, you sure ask a lot of *dumb* questions!
- Gilda Radner: I was real down after that. I was depressed as a dog. But, I didn't give up. I said to myself: Rrrr Rrrr. Yes you can. I'm okay, you're okay. I'm my own best friend. My mother, myself. I have no fear of flyin'. I'm woman, hear me roar. And didn't give up!
- Gilda Radner: Okay, this, dedicate this one to Mick Jagger!
- [singing]
- Gilda Radner: Give me Mick, Give me Mick, Famous hair, Bulging Eyes, Lips so thick, Are you woman? Are you man? I'm your biggest funked up fan, Give me Mick, Give me Mick...
- Gilda Radner: Up until now, I never really felt the need to protest. I mean, nothing in the 60s really bothered me. None of the guys I knew went to Vietnam. They all went to law school. And, um, actually I've always found protests kinda pushy and whiny. Until, recently, I read in the National Enquirer, that the Food and Drug Administration was considering banning saccharine from the market. I nearly died.
- Gilda Radner: First of all, I gotta say, its an extreme pleasure, a joy, a thrill, an up, and a real snappy surprise, for me, Roseanne Roseannadanna, to give the commencement speech to the Graduating Class of the Columbia School of Journalism. At first, when they called me this morning, at 6:30, thanks a lot! I was real excited, cause I figured there's no greater honor than for an alumnus to give the graduatin' speech at this alma mater. But, I suppose that I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, will have to wait for that honor, cause I found out that your school is not affiliated with the Columbia School of Broadcasting.
- Gilda Radner: [singing] The animals, The animals, Let's talk dirty to the animals, Fuck you, Mr. Bunny, Eat shit, Mr. Bear, If they don't love it, They can shove it, Frankly, I don't care...
- Gilda Radner: So, let me conclude and summarize and wrap this thing up real quick by saying: It just goes to show you. It's always something. If it's not one thing, it's another.
- Gilda Radner: Imagine if you will, a sweet, young idealistic little Roseanne Roseannadanna, fresh out of Columbia School of Broadcasting, and lookin' for a job in journalism. I filled out applications, I went to interviews, and they all told me the same thing: You're overqualified. You're under qualified. Don't call us, we'll call you. It's a jungle out there. A woman's place is in the home. Drop dead. Have nice day. Goodbye!
- Gilda Radner: I'm walkin' down the hall when who do I see sittin' in his office, eatin' his lunch, but Mr. CBS Evening News himself, Walter Cronkite. And just between you and me, Roseanne Roseannadanna, you know what the hot shot news guy eats for lunch? Luncheon meat on white bread with butter, with one piece of lettuce that got wilted from bein' between the meat and the butter so long. I mean, that fancy, smancy news guy's eatin' that pink bologna meat with white dots in it that you don't know what it is! And what are those dots? Is that cheese in there? I thought it was a q-tip got in there!