The Pumaman

Pumaman has got to be one of the worst superheroes of all time. His "costume" consists of a shirt with a Aztec happy face on it, a pair of Abercrombie and Finch cargo pants, cheap pleather cowboy boots, the WWF Hardcore Championship belt (the only thing that's "hardcore" about this loser), and a fey red cape. He flies at about the same speed as the Goodyear Blimp, he can rip the top of a Jaguar but has a hard time wrestling a sixtyish fat man to the ground, he can teleport, but only to places he has been before (such as his friend's firetruck(?)), and his theme song sounds like a commercial for a personal injury attourney. Worse, he has a hulking mongoloid with a Moe Howard haircut following him around doing all his dirty work, like getting beat up by bad guys or tying Pumaman up during one of his many suicide attempts. In the same vein, the "villian", Donald Pleasance, has one of the worst evil schemes of all time: taking over the world by staring at manniquen heads through a mask mounted on a pole. Other idioic characters include Pumaman's mouth-breathing girlfriend (why she wears a leather flying helmet is beyond me) and a whole army of thugs as cannon fodder for this wuss and his Aztec. ONLY watch this on MST3K!

As I've said before, you've just got to love those wacky Italians and some of their wacky cinematic "achievements". The Puma Man (or The Pumaman as the title card indicates) tells the story of Professor Tony Farms (Walter George Alton) who reluctantly accepts his superhero birthright. A direct descendant of extraterrestrials, he is given the power of the puma (Until I watched this movie, I had no idea that pumas could fly? Who knew?) so that he might defend the secrets of the Aztecs. One of those secrets, a golden mask that grants its possessor the power of mind control, has been stolen by the evil Kobras (Donald Pleasance). With his Aztec guide Vadinho (Miguel Angel Fuentes), The Puma Man must put a stop to Kobras' plans of world domination.

It might be screwy, but I can't help but enjoy parts of The Puma Man. The movie comes across like a twisted, no-budget mix of Superman and the U.S. television series "The Greatest American Hero". From the superhero costume that includes brown slacks straight off the rack at Sears to the poorly done rear projection special effects to the repetitive (but admittedly catchy) Casio keyboard soundtrack to the Christmas ornament-like space ship, it's obvious that the budget on The Puma Man was less that what I spent on dinner last night. But the odd thing is, regardless of how cheap looking most of the movie is, it's got a charm to it that money can't buy. And while that doesn't necessarily make The Puma Man a great movie or anything, on occasion the movie overcomes its many faults (or it might be because of these faults) and is often quite fun. The acting isn't much to write home about. Pleasance proves he could be a scene-chewer without equal. His insistence on pronouncing "puma" as "pyuma" is hysterical. Our would-be hero, Alton, is generally ineffectual. The female lead, played by Sydne Rome, while reasonably attractive, doesn't display much in the way of acting skills either. Still, given the material they're given to work with, the entire cast is serviceable. But probably the best thing I can say about The Puma Man is that it's not dull. In fact, it's well paced and generally entertaining throughout its runtime. And as I've argued so many times, entertainment is the single most important thing to me when watching movies.

Compared with most everyone else on IMDb, my rating for The Puma Man sticks out like a sore thumb. Maybe I enjoy it for all the wrong reasons, but whatever it is, I do enjoy it.

Ah, this movie is a blast. What is Donald Pleasance doing here? And why does he keep mispronouncing "puma?" It is a one star movie, but I upped it a couple of points because it is so entertaining. The main character is more like Tiggerman than Pumaman, unless bouncing is what pumas do best. He is undeserving of superherodom. He whines incessantly and has to have his Aztec (yes, I said Aztec) Boy Wonder bail him out. Still, the cheesy special effects, music and bad acting elevate the film into kitsch and there are worse ways to spend a couple of hours.

Dear god. This was a terrifyingly bad movie. If ever a film made me want to hang my head in shame, this was it. Donald "All quiet on the Balding Front" Pleasence is anything but. Sydne Rome (awfully close to Syndrome isn't it? I'll she has a couple) and Walter George Alton shared a romantic moment or two that looked more like a vacuous stare at some bit of food in the others mouth. And the way the Pumaman "leaps" from building to building got me thinking of wedgies while hanging from my elementary school's jungle gym. Bottom line, I would rather have my colon examined by Jar Jar Binks than watch this movie without a healthy dose of morphine.

Puma

man, when he finally gets around to being Pumaman, looks like he got his outfit from Primark's 'Sensible Gentleman' section and attached a cape to it. He also displays the natural talents of a Puma. You know, like seeing in infra-red, passing through walls, and flying. If you start thinking about why aliens and pumas are linked and why Donald Pleasance can somehow take over people's minds using a gold mask from South America attached to what looks like a tricycle, you are going to end up having a stroke.

"It looks bad, and not good bad," my wife remarked while heading to our indoor pool manned by Joe Dallesandro look-a-likes. After watching it, I tend to agree to a certain extent. Pumaman has a reputation as a bad movie. Donald Pleasence said it was the worst film he starred in. Alberto De Martino says it was the worst film he ever made. Are there laughs to be had? Let's see.

After a demented introduction about how aliens contacted the Aztecs and made the first Pumaman, we switch to Donald Pleasence who has this gold mask that he's using to take over people's mind. He won't to control the world and only Pumaman can stop him, if only he knew who he was. This leads to various Americans in London being thrown out of windows before some mystic good guy tracks down the real Pumaman. I can't be bothered looking up what his character's name was.

New Pumaman has to learn to be Pumaman and is reluctant to fly about the place looking like a complete moron but eventually he does, and the effects really do look like someone hung Pumaman from a hook attached to his arse, then used the worst blue-screen effects in the world. And they use it in about 50% of the film. He can also go in and out of walls, something he seems to forget when chasing Donald Pleasence later in the film.

Donald's gold mask/mind control set up is pretty crap too. Once he grabs someone's mind, a rubber head of theirs appear on a shelf and then Donald commands it through the gold mask. This looks worse that it sounds, as the visual effect for communication seems to be wobbling a bit of sheet metal with the rubber head reflected on it. Truly dire. There are some laughs to be had by this, but apart from amatuer fist fights, Pumaman arguing with his mentor, really bad romantic scenes with Sydne Rome, and the constant nose-bleed inducing flying sequences, the best bit for me was when I realised that ten minutes of the film had begun to repeat itself, leading to a blissful moment where I fast forwarded the film, therefore reducing the running time.