- Rick Simon: [to nurse at Mental Hospital where he and AJ are being held by the villian] Take me to my brother or I'll do something Alfred Hitchcock never dreamed of.
- Rick Simon: Alright, let's put this thing into perspective. Now, correct if I'm wrong, OK? but this is how I got this thing figured. What we have here is a whole bunch of people with no money who go out and buy brand new cars just after they die. Is that pretty much the way you got it figured?
- A.J. Simon: That's pretty much the way I've got it figured, yeah. And what, I ask myself, has Terry Hudson got to do with all of this?
- Rick Simon: If he's dead, he probably just bought a new car.
- [Rick & A.J. are trying to talk Town into letting them look at a car in the police impound]
- Rick Simon: Town, now this assignment you got, it's probably gonna be very tiring, right? And you could use a rest... well we're gonna be doing a big celebration when this is all over, y'know, we're gonna do a kind of a blow-out weekend over in Vegas... why don't you kinda tag along with us, y'know, we'll comp you to the Robert Goulet show... it'll be great.
- Lt. M.P. 'Downtown' Brown: Robert Goulet? If you're gonna bribe me, at least make it interesting. I'll give you half an hour.
- Rick Simon: Barry Manilow.
- Lt. M.P. 'Downtown' Brown: 20 minutes.
- A.J. Simon: Uh... Wayne Newton!
- Lt. M.P. 'Downtown' Brown: 10 minutes.
- [Rick & A.J. seek a restraining order against an ex-con they helped put in jail]
- A.J. Simon: Town, the guy is clearly here to make trouble, and he's carrying a grudge the size of the U.S.S. Enterprise.
- Rick Simon: Tell him about the cantaloupe.
- A.J. Simon: Oh, yes! Somebody broke into my house yesterday and sliced up a cantaloupe that I had in my refrigerator.
- Lt. M.P. 'Downtown' Brown: This *is* serious.
- A.J. Simon: Town, we can take care of ourselves, but when it comes to threatening our mother, yes it is serious.
- Lt. M.P. 'Downtown' Brown: OK look, let's go over the evidence here. Now your mother invited this man into her house for a party and Rick jumped him, right?
- Rick Simon: That's right.
- Lt. M.P. 'Downtown' Brown: Ah-ha. And you found some cut-up fruit in your refridgerator. Oh, I'll think of something.
- Brad Daniels: You look like a straight-ahead guy, I'll get right to the point. A contract has been taken out on my life.
- Lt. M.P. 'Downtown' Brown: Who took it out on you?
- Brad Daniels: I did.
- Lt. M.P. 'Downtown' Brown: What did you do to get into so much trouble with yourself?