- Sgt. Stedenko: The only way to catch a doper is when you yourself become a smoker. The surest way to make them bleed is when you bust their ass and steal their weed.
- Cheech: [talking to his plants] Ooh, Oaxaca. Ooh, sensi. How are you, my darling? Oh, God, your buds are getting so big. I have to get you a training bra. You got some lint in your belly button there. There you go. All right. Okay, you guys, be cool.
- Howie Hamburger Dude: How about the future of rock 'n' roll, anyway? Huh? The future of rock 'n' roll?
- Chong: Yeah.
- Howie Hamburger Dude: Bruce Springsteen
- Chong: Yeah.
- Howie Hamburger Dude: Is fucking it all up.
- Chong: Yeah. Hey, can we have a check?
- Howie Hamburger Dude: Hey, hey, hey. Shh, shh, shh. Bruce Springsteen's fucking the whole thing up.
- Chong: Bruce Springsteen?
- Howie Hamburger Dude: New Wave.
- Chong: New Wave?
- Howie Hamburger Dude: New Wave!
- Timothy Leary: You want the key?
- Cheech: Hey, please, Doc. Get me outta here. Let me be free. I just want the key, okay?
- Timothy Leary: You're sure you want to be free?
- Cheech: Yeah! Yeah! I want to be free. Just give me the key, okay? Please.
- Timothy Leary: Come here. Stick out your tongue.
- Cheech: What?
- Timothy Leary: Stick out your tongue.
- [puts a cube on Cheech's tongue]
- Timothy Leary: There's the key.
- Cheech: This is not the key. I want the key.
- Timothy Leary: That's the key to the universe.
- Chong: You know what I think we should invest in, man?
- Cheech: What?
- Chong: A rest home for old hippies.
- Cheech: Yeah?
- Chong: Cause, man, you know, like, hippies have been around since the 60's man.
- Cheech: Yeah.
- Chong: You know, and there really isn't like a hip place for 'em to go when they get real old, you know.
- Cheech: Yeah.
- Chong: You know, how I see it, you know, it's like a regular rest home except you have all the dope you can smoke, you know, for these old people . they'd want and listen to all the music they want, you know.
- Cheech: Like we could call it: Laid Back Manor.
- Chong: Yeah! Hey, great. Yeah.
- Cheech: That'd be heavy.
- Chong: Because, you know, I mean, like, what do people do when they get old? You know, they usually keep them stoned, laid-back.
- Sgt. Stedenko: You know we can not trust our own instincts, now I want you send this down to the analyzer and have it labbed. I'll take care of it.
- Howie Hamburger Dude: You're the guy from the hamburger train, right? Yeah, the ham-bur-
- [sniffs]
- Howie Hamburger Dude: .
- Chong: You know what I wanna do when I die, man?
- Cheech: What?
- Chong: I'm gonna get cremated, man.
- Cheech: Yeah?
- Chong: Yeah. Then I wanna get my ashes put in a baggie, you know.
- Cheech: Yeah?
- Chong: Then I'm gonna have all my friends - we'll have a party and then everybody will smoke me. Mix it with some good shit, you know.
- Cheech: Remind me not to be one of your friends when you die.
- Blonde in Car: Hey, you guys have any big sticks for us?
- Brunette in Car: I mean, really big sticks?
- Cheech: Oh, yeah, yeah. We got really big sticks.
- Blonde in Car: How about a nice, hot, juicy stick and you guys can get in the back with us?
- [drive off]
- Cheech: Come on, man! Get after them. They want a big stick, man.
- Cheech: We're rich. Hey, let's buy a villa in Costa Rica. That'd be great. We could just...
- Chong: I'm gonna get some more guitars.
- Cheech: Yeah?
- Chong: Yeah, I wanna get a Fender. No, I don't like Fenders, man. No, I'll get one anyway.
- Cheech: Let's get one of those big, white houses, man. You know, like, with a veranda, you know. With a porch. We'd be sitting out there sipping pina colonics, man.
- Chong: Pina colonics?
- Cheech: Yeah.
- Chong: What's that?
- Cheech: You know, they make them in a blender, man. You know.
- Chong: Oh, yeah.
- Cheech: Yeah. We'd have topless ladies, man. Maybe we'll make ourselves sun kings. You know, buy a little island. We'll put two little chairs on a little hill, and every day at noon we'll go up there and all the natives will bow down to us and we'll throw them joints, you know. I like to help the little people, man. Like, that's important in life.
- Helicopter Cop #3: Cowboy, look at those pink nipples!
- Helicopter Cop #2: Nipples? Hell, look at them tender young asses.
- Helicopter Cop #1: Alright, you've seen the tits, let's get back to work. Let's get back to work.
- Cheech: Hey, come on, baby. Don't you wanna be awake for this?
- [looks into the camera]
- Cheech: Hey, what do you want me to do? She's passed out. What would you do? Yeah, I bet. Let's put a vote to it, man. How many guys would do it? Lemme see your hands.
- [counts silently]
- Cheech: All right. How many guys wouldn't do it? Hey, forget you.
- Helicopter Cop #2: Holy shit. You see what I see, old man?
- Helicopter Cop #1: Let's just take care of business.
- Helicopter Cop #2: Jesus Christ! Look at those titties!
- Helicopter Cop #3: Holy mother-of-pearl! Take us down, old man, take us down! We're talking about serious, wild, naked titties on the beach down there!
- Helicopter Cop #1: Will you forget about titties, we got a bust to think about!
- Hooker #1: Listen to me. Listen, officer. I'm gonna have my attorney explain to you I'm a freelance entertainer.
- Donna the Panties Gal: Listen, you're gonna think I'm weird, but, I never made it with two guys before.
- Cheech: What?
- Donna the Panties Gal: You wanna make it with me?
- Cheech: Two guys at the same time?
- Donna the Panties Gal: Yeah. I've done everything twice, but I've never made it with two guys. Especially you two guys!
- Cheech: Well, we do that all the time.
- Donna the Panties Gal: You do?
- Cheech: Oh, yeah, yeah. Ain't that right, man?
- Donna the Panties Gal: With two guys?
- Cheech, Chong: Oh, no, no, no.
- Cheech: With, like, a girl at the same time.
- Willard 'Animal' Bad: Where's that Menudo-eating son of a bitch? Get out here! Where the hell is he? Get your ass out here. Come on, taco-head!
- Donna the Panties Gal: We need ice cubes, you know. This chick did this thing with this guy. And it lasts for a long time!
- Cheech: Oh, yeah. We need ice, man.
- Cheech: Those are the ugliest chicks I ever saw in my life.
- Chong: No kidding, man. But if they're so ugly, how come you were hitting on them?
- Cheech: I wasn't hitting on them, man.
- Chong: Well, that part about asking them if they were models, man.
- Cheech: I was trying to be nice, man.
- Chong: Models for Kal-Can dog food.