Don't Go Near the Park

Our discomposed little comic-book horror tale begins in a cave thousands of years ago, as an old hag curses her evil son and daughter. Flash to modern times(okay, the late 70s...whatever), and the ancient siblings prowl the land looking for children to slaughter as a sinister means of self-preservation.

Performances are true-to-type crap, adding deepened injury to the already suffering DON'T GO NEAR THE PARK, a sloppy bottom feeder of a film which does manage to chalk-up a few lively moments(some pretty nasty gore, specifically), as well as a laughably overenthusiastic non-ending which leaves this lemon wide-open for a sequel you'd better believe you'll never live to see.

A failure, certainly, but a failure that a few may find endearing in a disowned hungry kitten sort of way. Female lead Tammy Taylor appeared in the amazing MALIBU HIGH the same year, and co-star Meeno Peluce later starred on TV's VOYAGERS with the ill-fated Jon-Erik Hexum.

4/10

I have a certain prejudice for this cheapie because it was the only film i saw at a drive-in. I was a kid and i saw this small ad for the film showing at the drive-in and i asked my dad if he could take me the following night to see it. This is in Austin,Texas on Saturday, July 3. During that afternoon we took a boat ride close to where Hippie Hollow is. Hippie Hollow is a retreat where nudists hang out. Imagine my shock as a young boy seeing nudists in boats and getting a distant view of completely nude women! As we finished our trip i had convinced my dad to take me. He told a friend who accompanied us, "Last night we watched WOLFEN on HBO. This movie had a head come off...,i don't see how DON'T GO NEAR THE PARK could be any worse". That evening my dad saw one of the worst films he ever saw! I was bored,so i strolled along the pavement for a few minutes. Before, i was worried i was going to be scarred. When i got back to my dad's truck, he asked, "Are you scarred?" I replied i wasn't and when i asked him the same thing,he retorted "Nope". Afterwards,i was greatly disappointed. As few of you who've seen the film know, it is an ultra low-budget,unsavory schlock fest. However, as i approached adulthood,i had a dream this was showing on my local station in the daytime! This made me want to take a look at this film again. It was a nightmare to find and i only saw a videocassette of this in a Kingsville videostore! I rented it and saw it at a friend's house. I was caught off-guard that Lineau Quigly was in it! Last year i looked for an Amazon copy and they didn't have one. For some reason i stumbled on another site and it had a rare DVD! I purchased it. I now have this childhood memory on DVD!

Wow... This site really does have every film possible. I found this film in a video rental place several years ago, and, in my usual fascination for unknown, Z-Grade looking films, rented it, and was fascinated by its badness. I remember thinking that it seemed to be the result of the editor throwing up all the little pieces of the film in the air, and randomly picking some up and putting them together. If he went to get the rest of the pieces, we could have ended up with another film entirely. I rented it again sometime later. I have never seen it since. I miss it. :(

Now I've seen my fair share of garbage over the years. Hell, I admit to actively seeking it out. But nothing prepared me for this little wonder.

Yeah, yeah, yeah I can hear you all say. We've seen Zombie Flesh Eaters 2, we've seen all of Ed Wood's little wonders, we've even sat through a Fred Olen Ray movie marathon. FORGET IT! You ain't seen this.

OK, let's start with the plot which is actually fairly complex for a film of this quality, it's also totally ludicrous. Incestuous, murdering cave siblings are cursed to live for eternity living off the flesh of the young until they can sacrifice a virginal descendant of the tribe when two stars with silly names come into alignment. In a whirlwind 10 minutes of celluloid the brother rents a room, marries the landlady, has a daughter with her who becomes a teenager and runs away from home due to turbulent family life. From there she meets two other runaways who coincidentally live with the sister of the cave pair. The kids rumble their game, zombies rise from the ground, laser beams are shot from eyes, and the two 'eternal' siblings are killed.

Got that? Right. It gets worse. Everything about this film goes way beyond amateur, from the 'old person' make up, to the Persian rug cavemen clothes, to the dissolve shot ageing FX. The lighting is abysmal; spot lights are shone straight into the set giving each shot an early silent film style ring of shadow around the edge of the shot. The acting is appalling, especially from the grimacing Crackers Phinn. The plot progresses at bizarre speeds, some scenes dragging on for way too long and other plot points zooming past at top speed.

Despite all of the above (or perhaps because of it) I love this movie. I really could bang on about it for days but I won't. If you ever find a copy (which isn't easy) you have to see it. I defy you to find anything worse in such a truly wonderful way (Invitation To Hell comes close).

Horror fans will also be interested to see a very early appearance by Linnea Quigley, who shows from an early age her willingness to take her top off.

Oh yeah, there's a 'shock' ending too.

Marvellous.

"Don't Go Near the Park" is one of the most bizarrely incompetent movies I have ever seen. I've watched it twice now, and still don't really know what it's about. There's something in there about cavemen being cursed to never die but continue to age. The only way the cavemen can stave off this awesome decrepitude is to eat the guts of children. They also hang out in a park, I think, which sort-of-explains the title. (?)

Other than that I can't really make head nor tail of this movie. There are a few scenes where people's guts are ripped open, however unconvincingly. Why do they just do it with their hands? Wouldn't it take incredible strength to rip through the stomach muscles to access the gut?

There is an attempted rape scene where a girl has her shirt ripped open and then makes a van crash.

Also Linnea Quigley shows up in one of her earliest roles. She shows her breast.

There's also a curly-haired kid, whose presence in the movie I didn't understand, and a guy named Cowboy.

Can anything be made of all this?

I'm not the asinine type of film viewer who needs everything to make sense. Some of my favourite movies make no sense and I love them for it. But "Don't Go Near the Park" has another fatal flaw: it's boring.