- Ed Earl: They want me to close her down, run her out of town. How can I ask her to leave when all I want her to do is stay?
- The Governor: [singing] Ooh, I love to dance the little sidestep / Now they see me, now they don't / I've come and gone / And ooh, I love to sweep around a wide step / Cut a little swath / And lead the people on!
- Jewel: Honey, we see everything in this profession, but one thing I ain't never seen - man or woman - is a grown-up.
- Deputy Fred: So, for awhile, as the story goes, the girls begin accepting poultry in trade: one bird, one lay. And that's how the place got its name: The Chicken Ranch!
- Miss Mona: I couldn't be a ballerina now. I'm too top-heavy. I have a hard enough time balancin' these things now without gettin' on my toes!
- Miss Mona: Well, one of those nights when you ain't on duty, you drop in out there. My girls'll love to show you a little appreciation.
- Deputy Fred: Shoot, Miss Mona - you know I'm a married man!
- Miss Mona: Oh, Fred, you mean to tell me you don't think the cows don't appreciate the time off when a bull goes over to another pasture?
- Ed Earl: Boys, I got myself a pretty good bullshit detector, and I can tell when somebody's peeing on my boots and telling me it's a rainstorm.
- Female Reporter: Governor, what do you think of the, the crisis in the Middle East?
- The Governor: I was sayin' just this morning at the weekly prayer breakfast, in this historic capital, that it behooves both the Jews and the Arabs to settle their differences in a Christian manner!
- Melvin P. Thorpe: The power of television, of public exposure - it scares me. I swear, I could get the mayor's own children to throw rocks at him!
- [On space aliens]
- Ed Earl: I saw a picture once, of them fellers from, you know, that's supposed to be from up there? Fly around? Tiny little fellers. Bald-headed, little feet, little hands - got no peckers.
- Miss Mona: Got no peckers?
- [Ed shakes his head no]
- Miss Mona: Well, I ain't interested. I don't think my girls would be either!
- [On the Chicken Ranch Scandal]
- C.J.: All we wanted to do was keep it quiet! Now thanks to Ed Earl, it's the hottest thing on the air since "The Gong Show"!
- [On the Chicken Ranch]
- Deputy Fred: If you grew up anywhere in Texas, you knew at an early age they was selling somethin' out there - and it wasn't poultry!
- Miss Mona: Ed Earl, I think the best thing to do is to put this behind us, just as quick as we can. I've made a little money, I've laughed some, I've danced to the music... it's just time to pay the fiddler, that's all.
- Miss Mona: [singing] It's just a little bitty pissant country place, ain't nothing much to see. / No drinking allowed, we get a nice quiet crowd.
- Melvin P. Thorpe: The public has a right to know what is goin' on out there, and what kind of payoff you're acceptin' to protect that notorious house of ill repute.
- Ed Earl: First thing. First thing is: you're standin' in Lanvil County, which by my figurin' is about 100 miles west of that stinkhole you call Houston. So I can't see it's any of your business what goes on out here. Number two: you ain't the law around here, and I am! So don't be tellin' me what my GOD DAMN job is, or I'll whip your butt so bad it'll look like the stripes on a barbel poll! Number three: no sawed off little pecker is gonna accuse me of takin' a bribe and live to tell about it! Cuz I wear the badge in this god damn county, SO YOU LISTEN AND LISTEN GOOD you overpadded televisin' turd! If I ever see you or any of those little bastards that work for you in my town again, I'm gonna knock you so flat, you're gonna have to roll down your socks to shit! So get outta here you GOD DAMN WIG-WEARIN' CITIFIED SON OF A BITCH!
- [Draws his gun and begins firing it into the air]
- The Governor: [singing] Fellow Texas, I am proudly / Standing here to humbly say / I assure you, and I mean it / Now who says I don't speak out as plain as day? / And fellow Texans, I'm for progress / And the flag, long may it fly, / I'm a poor boy, come to greatness, / so it follows that I cannot tell a lie.
- Howard K. Smith: What did he say?
- Female Reporter: Same as usual: not a damn thing.
- Melvin P. Thorpe: Governor, Melvin P. Thorpe, Watchdog News. Why has the Chicken Ranch operation been so long ignored?
- The Governor: We seem to be having some acoustic problems in here.
- Melvin P. Thorpe: Aren't you afraid of possible pay-offs and bribes?
- The Governor: Melvin, I'm sorry.
- Melvin P. Thorpe: Enough o'this pussyfootion', Governor, what do you intend to so about the Miss Mona and the Chicken Ranch?
- [the Governor sneaks off while he is looking away from him and into the camera. Melvin looks back to see the Governor is gone]
- Melvin P. Thorpe: [Re-appearing in the second level of the Capital Rotunda]
- The Governor: Now, Miss Mona, I don't know her/ Though I've heard the name, Oh yes / But of course I've no close contact / So what she is doing I can only guess / And now Miss Mona / She's a blemish / On the face of that good town / I am taking / certain steps here / Someone, somewhere's gonna have to closer her down.
- Female Reporter: Was that a yes or a no?
- Howard K. Smith: It's a possible maybe.
- Female Reporter: Governor, do you play to take action against the Chicken Ranch?
- The Governor: [singing] Now, my good friends, it behooves me to be solemn and declare / I'm for goodness, and for profits, and for living clean and saying daily prayer / And now my good friends, you can sleep nights / I'll continue to stand tall / You can trust me, for I promise / I shall keep a watchful eye upon y'all!
- Female Reporter: Did you get any of that?
- Howard K. Smith: I hear him talking, but he don't come in.
- Howard K. Smith: [on the Evening News] Legalized prostitution, pro or con, is in the news today. For a report, here is Jeff Gerald in Gilbert, Texas.
- Jeff Gerald: The Chicken Ranch, the legendary, long-running bawdy house, is showing little activity after the disclosure yesterday of the Thanksgiving night raid.
- Deputy Fred: Get away!
- Jeff Gerald: The deputy at the front gate keeps away onlookers and potential customers, while up at the house, the doors are closed and the principals are not talking. The sheriff of Gilbert, Ed Earl Dodd, refused interviews, while in Houston, the man who launched the campaign, consumer advocate Melvin P. Thorpe, held a press conference this afternoon.
- Melvin P. Thorpe: I have a report here that says that the Chicken Ranch is involved with and under the influence of organized crime. I myself am gonna take this report to Austin in the hopes that the Governor himself will come out of his long silence on this issue and uphold the law. And... Thank you. Thank you very much.
- [applause]
- Jeff Gerald: At the capitol today, the Governor made no statement, but Senator Charles Wingwood, who was a principal figure in the Watchdog news raid, also held a press conference explaining his involvement.
- Senator Wingwood: I have no independent recollection of going to the Chicken Ranch. And I can only say, as the most dedicated anticommunist in the state legislature, that I must have been drugged by communists or communist sympathizers and placed there to harm my reputation and good name.
- Jeff Gerald: Reaction across the state is split 50-50. But here in the town of Gilbert, the Chicken Ranch has many supporters.
- Edsel: I ain't never seen anything bad come out of there yet, and I've lived here all my life. Why, they attract a lot of business to the community. They pay their taxes. Ha! Just like you and me! No one. No one was ever forced to go up there.
- Dora: My Frank, when he was alive, used to go up there every Saturday. I took it as a blessin'. Of course, things were different then. Nowadays women enjoy doin' that sort of thing themselves. At least, so I've been told.
- Henry: The Chicken Ranch? I think it's a good idea. See, you take a lot of young boys and they're gonna be out there lookin' for women. If they can't find 'em, they'll rape 'em. And if they don't do that, they'll run to other women and get diseases! Those girls went to doctors.
- Jeff Gerald: [holding a bumper sticker that says "Pluck The Chicken Ranch"] Although petitions are being circulated to save the Chicken Ranch, already this bumper sticker is beginning to appear around the state. And so, as feminists line up behind the bill for the decriminalization of prostitution already in the legislature, while traditionalists and fundamentalists lobby for its defeat, the fate of the Chicken Ranch rests with the Governor, who today, again, was unavailable for comment. Jeff Gerald, ABC News, Gilbert, Texas.
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By what name was The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas (1982) officially released in Canada in English?
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