John Candy credited as playing...
Chet Ripley
- [Chet is telling everyone about his bear story]
- Chet: So when you go to bed tonight, and you hear a noise, whatever you do, don't look out the window...
- [Chet shouts while he tosses some of his alcoholic beverage into the fireplace causing a huge fireball shooting out of the chimney]
- Chet: because there might be a bear!
- Roman: There's no mystery here, Chet. I know how you really feel about me.
- Chet: Do you?
- Roman: Yeah, and I knew that if I was ever to give you something, you figure there'd be strings attached.
- Chet: Is that a fact?
- Roman: Yeah, that's a fact. At our wedding, you were in the john, Kate and Connie's dad. You were talking. Do you happen to remember the substance of that conversation?
- Chet: No I don't.
- Roman: Well, I do, and it's one I'll never forget. I heard you say - and I quote - "that Roman Craig is a crooked son of a bitch". Next time you stab somebody in the back, Chester, you better check under the stalls for feet. You may think I'm made out of armor and nails, man, but when I get cut, it hurts. That cut me, and I hurt.
- Chet: Roman, I'm really sorry. I had a lot to drink that night. I really don't remember saying that, but if you said I did, then I must have. I apologize to you both. It was a terrible thing to say.
- Roman: Look, I don't hold grudges, and I don't have any hard feelings. To show you I'm the type of guy who can forgive and forget, well, I'd still like to offer you a piece of that investment.
- Kate Craig: Ahh!
- [Kate and Roman run out of their bedroom]
- Roman: What?
- Kate Craig: It touched me!
- Roman: It's been touching you for 12 years, you never freak!
- Kate Craig: Not you!
- [Kate hits Roman on the arm]
- Kate Craig: A thing.
- Roman: What thing?
- Chet: [Comes out of his bedroom, along with the rest of the family, and turns on the lights] What's going on?
- Kate Craig: That thing!
- [Points to a bat]
- Roman: Oh, it's just a little sparrow.
- Kate Craig: C'mon Roman, it's got ears!
- Buck Ripley: Jesus!
- [Everyone screams and runs out of the cabin]
- [Chet and Roman are arguing]
- Chet: You've got an awful lot of nerve, Roman, a lot of nerve.
- Roman: It's served me well, I'm the one with the Mercedes.
- Chet: By the way, is it paid for?
- Roman: Are you jealous? Chester!
- Chet: Don't call me Chester! Call me that one more time and you're gonna go home with a dent in your forehead!
- Kate Craig: Oh yeah, that'll be the day!
- Chet: Would you like one to match his?
- Roman: [raising his fists] Hey, take it easy! You wanna go right now?
- Buck Ripley: [breaking them apart] Dad, dad, dad. No one's denting anybody.
- Roman: Thanks, Bucky.
- Buck Ripley: Oh, bite the big one, Uncle Roman!
- Connie Ripley: Hey, don't talk to adults that way!
- Buck Ripley: Why not?
- Roman: Because it's rude.
- Connie Ripley: Oh, blow it out your ass!
- Roman: [the family are all seated in the cabin's living room and Roman notices Chet at the fireplace] Now, what are you up to?
- Chet: [irritably] What does it look like I'm up to?
- Roman: Well, it looks like you're wanking your crank.
- Chet: I'm trying to get a fire going, all right?
- Roman: Well, you might as well pour ice cubes in there. You're never gonna get a fire going that way. You don't crumple a newspaper up.
- [making jerking motions]
- Roman: You twist it! Twist it! Lengthwise to stimulate kindling. That's how you get it going.
- Chet: [annoyed] Maybe, Roman, just maybe, I'm trying to heat the flue.
- Roman: [to the others, sarcastically] Oh, he's heating the flue. Meanwhile, the human beings in the room are freezing to death.
- Connie Ripley: [spiteful] I'm not really cold. Not at all.
- Kate Craig: [sarcastic, to Connie] Oh, thank you for sharing that. Thank you.
- Chet: [mockingly] I'm SO sorry, Roman, forgive me. Why don't you come over here and show me how it's done? You talk a great game. Come on, let's see a little action. After all, you know everything. You know exactly what to do at any given moment.
- Roman: [insulted, to Kate] Katie, you were absolutely right. We should have gone to Europe or maybe even Haiti, or Antartica, or the Dead Sea! Would've had a LOT more fun!
- [gets up and walks to the other side of the room]
- Chet: Is that a fact? Well, nobody forced you to come up HERE, buddy boy. In fact, I don't remember anyone inviting you up here.
- [to Connie]
- Chet: Do you remember inviting him? I sure as hell don't.
- Roman: [walking towards Chet] And what exactly is that statement supposed to mean?
- Chet: You figure it out for yourself.
- Roman: No, no, you specify, you clarify Just as a common courtesy, if you don't mind.
- Roman: [to Roman, without looking up from her sewing] You know damn well what he means.
- Connie Ripley: I think what they're trying to say that we're not welcome!
- Chet: [sarcastic] Oh-ho, what did I hear? We've got a bingo! You DID figure it out, Kate!
- Roman: [sneers] So, it's all starting to finally ooze out. It's very interesting, though, isn't it, Katie?
- Roman: Yeah, VERY!
- Roman: Especially, since we threw aside OUR plans, and we had a great European vacation planned, threw aside OUR plans to come up here to show these dead-asses how to start learning to have a good time! Thanks a lot for ruining my vacation, Ripley.
- Chet: [while trying to light a match, he breaks it in anger] What WAS that? Ruining your vacation, is that what you said? Oh, come on, I DON'T believe, I don't believe I heard you say THAT.
- Chet: [jabs his finger to Chet's chest] You'd BETTER believe it!
- Chet: [jabbing his finger hard into Roman's chest] DON'T PUSH IT, ROMAN!
- Chet: You ain't even seen PUSHING yet! You know what the trouble is with you, Ripley? You wouldn't know a good time if it fell out of the sky, landed on your face, and started to wiggle!
- Roman: [seething] Oh, you got an awful lot of nerve, Roman. A lot of nerve.
- Roman: Serves me well. I'M the one with the Mercedes.
- Roman: [egging Roman on] Oh! Ah!
- Chet: By the way, is it paid for?
- Roman: Are you jealous, CHESTER?
- Chet: [jabs his finger into Roman's chest] DON'T call me Chester! You call me that one more time, you'll be going home with a dent in your forehead!
- Kate Craig: [stands up to join Roman] Oh-ho, yeah, that'll be the day!
- Kate Craig: [to Kate] Would you like one to match his?
- Roman: [outraged] Hey, take your hands off her!
- [puts up his fists]
- Roman: YOU WANT TO GO, RIGHT NOW?
- Buck Ripley: [steps in to separate them] Dad, Dad, it's okay. Nobody's denting anybody.
- Roman: Thanks, Bucky.
- Buck Ripley: [takes off his scarf and throws into Roman's hands] Oh, bite the big one, Uncle Roman!
- Connie Ripley: [to Buck, scolding] Hey, don't talk to adults that way!
- Buck Ripley: [to Connie] Why not?
- Roman: [to Buck] BECAUSE it's rude!
- Kate Craig: [during a big row] Roman, why don't we just get out of here, come on honey. Come on girls, let's go!
- Roman: Good idea.
- [they go upstairs]
- Chet: Well, it's the first good idea you've had since you've been here. And by the way, don't steal any of our stuff.
- Kate Craig: Ha ha, what stuff is there to steal?
- Connie Ripley: We got stuff!
- Chet: You'll have to excuse my brother-in-law. He gets a couple of cocktails in him and he becomes an expert on everything.
- Roman: I don't need cocktails for that. Was that a shot?
- Chet: No, that was the truth.
- Roman: Oh, that was a shot!
- Chet: That... was a shot.
- Roman: [to the bartender] Speaking of shots, set us up!
- Chet: what it means what is means is i would like to blow uncle roman out my ass thats what it means.
- Connie Ripley: I just don't feel like this. Can you understand that. I'm tired, I'm stinky.
- Chet: Come on.
- Connie Ripley: What are you doing? Come on.
- Chet: Come on. We got the house by ourselves.
- Connie Ripley: What about the kids?
- Chet: What *about* the kids? They're down the lake.
- Connie Ripley: I don't - let's go to the bedroom then.
- Chet: Why? That's the great thing about being in the North Woods. You can run around naked as a bear and not worry about running into anybody.
- Connie Ripley: Is that right?
- Chet: Yes.
- [kiss]
- Connie Ripley: Really?
- [kiss]
- Chet: Do you think it's possible that we could play - fashion parade?
- Connie Ripley: I don't want to play.
- Chet: Why?
- Connie Ripley: You get to wear the good outfits.
- Chet: Oh, no. I'll let you wear them.
- Connie Ripley: You will?
- Chet: Now, ah, you will be Shelana. Shelana, yes. And I will be Burt. Or I could be Smokey's cousin Horny.
- [unsnaps Connie's bra]
- Connie Ripley: He has endurance too.
- Chet: Yes, he does. Mmm...
- Roman: [walking in with Kate and their twin daughters] Anybody home?