Steve Guttenberg credited as playing...
Jack
- Jack: Hi, Marty!
- [surprised after Martin has come flying through the window to pin Jack to the wall]
- Martin Brogan: Where's the wife?
- [Jack points towards the stairs; Martin looks at Mary and turns back]
- Martin Brogan: Not mine, you dolt. Yours!
- Jack: [reading from a book] "A ghost may not tup with a human." So this means a ghost cannot make love with a human being. Oh, my God!
- Jack: [as Sharon enters the room] Mary?
- Sharon: [annoyed] Who's Mary? Who's this Mary?
- Jack: She's a woman. She's a ghost.
- Sharon: [upset] Oh, Jack, don't start this ghost stuff again.
- Jack: She's someone I care about. It's funny how you can care. I think I'm falling in love...
- Sharon: Jack, don't stand there and tell me that you're having an affair with a goddamn ghost.
- Jack: Well, I am!
- Sharon: [mad] That's it! Your lawyer, my lawyer -- and I hope your ghost has a lawyer, because I want to meet him.
- Jack: [the 2 ghosts appear] Here she is! This is Mary the ghost. And that's Martin the ghost!
- Sharon: That's the man that was in my bathtub!
- Jack: [Jack and Sharon are witnessing Mary and Martin's fatal argument] They're having problems in their relationship.
- Sharon: No, Jack, we're having problems in OUR relationship.
- [Mary has just aged 200 years]
- Jack: Kiss you? Maybe we should get some moisturizer first... or some medical supervision.
- [Sharon is flossing her teeth, seemingly unaware of Jack's presence]
- Jack: Now that I'm dead, I thought I'd let you know. You're as cold as a penguin on an iceberg. You're a dwarf. Yeah, clean those choppers so you can chew up the next jerk that comes along.
- Jack: [Sharon slaps him] I'm not dead?
- Sharon: No, but if I were you I wouldn't make any long-term plans!
- Mrs. Plunkett: [sees Jack, about Mary] You do love her, don't you?
- Jack: Yeah, I guess I do. I - I don't know.
- Mrs. Plunkett: Then what's the problem then?
- Jack: She's a ghost. She's dead, I'm alive.
- [goes amazed]
- Jack: How do you know all this?
- Mrs. Plunkett: [smiles] I'm married to one.
- Jack: [he and Peter Plunkett are drinking hard liquor together, and becoming friends] I don't want you to lose your castle. Not to my father-in-law, he's a son-of-a-bitch.
- Peter Plunkett: Oh, my dear fellow, you're too kind. He's an unlovely combination of a son-of-a-bitch and a rat's knackers.
- Jack: What's a rat's knackers?
- Peter Plunkett: It's an unholy trinity of a muckraker, a gob-o'-shite and a whore's mount.
- Jack: The guy's a dick.
- Peter Plunkett: In a word.
- Sharon: [she is standing in the bathtub, taking a shower; the ghost of Martin appears behind her] Jack, is that you?
- Sharon: [she thinks she is talking to her hubby Jack] God, I don't know what happened to me, but I feel zonked. I've got pains all over my body. Could you rub my back?
- Sharon: [she thinks Jack is too scared to touch her, because they just had an argument] Well, go on, Jack. I won't bite.
- Sharon: [the ghost of Martin gives her a sensual back-rub; Sharon gets turned on] Oh, Jack, you never did it like THAT before. Mmmmm.
- Martin Brogan: [keeps massaging her body, talking softly to himself] Saint Patrick. Saint Jude. Saint Columcille.
- Sharon: [turns around to see a ghost; scared, she screams] Oh! Jack!
- Jack: [runs over to her, she is in the bathtub but the ghost is gone] Honey, what is it?
- Sharon: [almost hysterical] Where have you been? There was a MAN in my bathtub! A big, giant man, and he's scrubbing my back.
- Sharon: [insultingly] And it felt good! I should've known it wasn't you!
- Jack: [Hesitatingly, as the suddenly 200 year + old Mary Plunkett Breogan tries to seduce him] I know looks aren't everything... but they can help *so* much!