- [Abbie reveals his father is alive]
- Abbie: He lives in Los Angeles.
- Lisa: What does he do?
- Abbie: He's a professional embarrassment.
- Abe: When I die, I want my epitaph to read "Here's lies Abe Polin, King of the Extras. 19th man to yell, 'I'm Spartacus.'"
- Abbie: I'm going to lean on you, and you just lean on me. Is this good for you?
- Lisa: This is great.
- Abbie: Look! We're a semicolon walking home!
- Abe: Extras are the real Hollywood. You won't see their names above the title or below the title. We like to think of ourselves as behind the title.
- [Abe points at his buttocks imprint on his old chair]
- Abe: You see that? When I die, I want you to make a mold of that imprint and put it in front of Chinese Theater. Gable's feet, Monroe's hands, and Abe Polin's ass.
- Abbie: Mrs. Petrakis, I'd like you to click your heels together three times, and when you wake you'll be back in your own room in Kansas.
- Mrs. Petrakis: ...Kansas?
- Abe: Sweet dreams to my fingers, sweet dreams to my knees. Sweet dreams to bellybuttons that go in and out. Sweet dreams to all the little tushies in the world - the big ones, too, like the waitress in the bowling alley!
- Abbie: I'm a heart surgeon, for Chrissakes. I should have seen it coming. Even the Indians warned Custer, "Don't come over today - we're a little cranky."
- [Abbie watching himself on home movies]
- Abbie: I couldn't catch a ball. Well, it 's hard to catch with your face. I had the word "Spalding" written on my forehead 'til I was about six.
- Abe: I've lived a thousand different lives in a thousand different places, kid.
- Abbie: Great, but when was the last time you opened a window?