- [Celeste consults with the alien council]
- Celeste Martin: The subject says he will be unable to think about science unless he marries me.
- Council Chief: Well, marry him.
- Celeste Martin: But we don't know what "marry" is.
- Council Chief: One moment.
- [the second council member takes a book. He and the council chief leaf through it until they find the page about marriage]
- Council Chief: Ah, yes. The Monchine Forty says marriage is this: he goes off to fight the Turks, and you put on a lock.
- [Celeste is confused]
- Second in Command: No, no, no.
- [they leaf more pages]
- Council Chief: Oh, yes, yes. Wrong century. Eh... marriage is this: you cook and clean and bring him martinis.
- Second in Command: No, no!
- Council Chief: Wrong again? Ridiculous...
- [they leaf more pages]
- Council Chief: Yes. Wrong decade. Too old-fashioned. Ah, here we are, yes. The modern marriage: there are no rules or responsibilities, but if he does something wrong, you can set him on fire while he sleeps and go on a talk show, where everyone will forgive you and love you. There is only one drawback: you will have to have more sex.
- Celeste Martin: [excitedly] I'll do it!
- [after Steve asks if she wants to have sex]
- Celeste Martin: Sure. I just have to figure out what that is.
- Alien leader: Earthmen will fall to their knees, betray their country and give away valuable real estate for a desirable woman.
- Steven Mills: Would you mind if I kissed you?
- Celeste Martin: Does it hurt?
- Steven Mills: Not the way I do it.
- Steven Mills: I think... I think...
- Celeste Martin: What?
- Steven Mills: Would I scare you... if I told you I love you?
- Celeste Martin: Not unless you hit me at the same time.
- Steven Mills: I'm serious.
- Celeste Martin: So am I!
- Jessie Mills: [looking at her Dad and Celeste through a window] I think they're gonna kiss!
- Lexie, Jessie's Friend #1: Does he even know how?
- Jessie Mills: I saw him do it once in 1983.
- [watching a video of two people having sex]
- Celeste Martin: That is the weirdest thing I've ever seen.
- The Bag: That's why we gave it up 3,000 years ago.
- [reporting to her father that her stepmother is more than she seems]
- Jessie Mills: I saw her drink the battery juice from your Honda!
- Celeste Martin: [after changing to new dress in Dr. Mills' car] Is this acceptable?
- Steven Mills: Is the drool apparent?
- [after a long & strange make out, both somewhat out of breath]
- Steven Mills: I've never felt anything like that before.
- Celeste Martin: Do I now have to eat the chocolate from Pennsylvania?
- Steven Mills: [laughs; looks slightly confused] What?
- The Bag: [as Dave, the dog, digs a hole in which to bury the bag] You're digging your own grave, Fido!