Jim Belushi credited as playing...
Art Ridzik
- Hooligan: Hey, asshole! You can't park here, this is my spot! I live right up there. So move your piece-of-shit car or give me fifty bucks.
- Ivan Danko: I do not understand.
- Hooligan: Let me make it real simple, moron. You move your ass or give me fifty, or I take my Pete Rose here and fucking mutilate your car.
- Ivan Danko: Do you know Miranda?
- Hooligan: Never heard of the bitch.
- [Danko punches him unconscious]
- Ivan Danko: [in Russian] Hooligani.
- [Ridzik comes back]
- Art Ridzik: Everything okay?
- Ivan Danko: Yes, fine. No problems.
- Art Ridzik: What about that sack of shit lying on the sidewalk?
- Ivan Danko: He lives here.
- Ivan Danko: I have car under control.
- Art Ridzik: Yeah, I'm sure they taught you all about cars and the price of insurance at your famous Russian school in Kiev!
- Ivan Danko: In socialist countries, insurance not necessary. State pays for everything.
- Art Ridzik: Yeah? Well, tell me something, Captain. If you've got such a fucking paradise over there, how come you're up the same creek as we are with heroin and cocaine?
- Ivan Danko: Chinese find way. Right after revolution, they round up all drug dealers, all drug addicts, take them to public square, and shoot them in back of head.
- Art Ridzik: Ah, it'd never work here. Fucking politicians wouldn't go for it.
- Ivan Danko: Shoot them first.
- Art Ridzik: Captain Danko, congratulations. You are now the proud owner of the most powerful handgun in the world.
- Ivan Danko: Soviet Podbyrin, nine-point-two milimeter, is world's most powerful handgun.
- Art Ridzik: Oh, come on, everybody knows the .44 Magnum is the big boy on the block. Why do you think Dirty Harry uses it?
- Ivan Danko: Who is Dirty Harry?
- Ivan Danko: I do not understand this sport.
- Art Ridzik: You're not supposed to, it's completely American.
- Ivan Danko: We play baseball now in Soviet Union.
- Art Ridzik: Are you kidding me? This is our national pastime!
- [pause]
- Art Ridzik: Ah, it'd be a hell of a world series though, wouldn't it?
- Ivan Danko: We will win.
- Art Ridzik: About this pile-of-shit pimp in here. In this country, we try to protect the rights of individuals. It's called the Miranda Act, and it says that you can't even touch his ass.
- Ivan Danko: I do not want to touch his ass. I want to make him talk!
- Ivan Danko: Tea, please.
- Art Ridzik: In a glass, with lemon, right?
- Ivan Danko: [surprised] Yes.
- Art Ridzik: Yeah. I saw Dr. Zhivago.
- Art Ritzik: I'm gonna get us something from all four food groups: hamburgers, french fries, coffee and doughnuts.
- [Danko's watch alarm goes off]
- Art Ridzik: What's that?
- Ivan Danko: My watch. It's on Moscow time.
- Art Ridzik: Time to pick up Pokey?
- Ivan Danko: Time to feed parakeet.
- Art Ridzik: What's that, Russian for "jerking off"?
- [to a waitress about to freshen his coffee]
- Art Ridzik: Look, lady. I just got my coffee the perfect color. It's the only thing I've got going for me tonight.
- Cat Manzetti: You leave your guns with those guys over there.
- Art Ridzik: No way. A Chicago cop never relinquishes his weapon.
- [the gang all point their guns at him]
- Art Ridzik: Here you go.
- Art Ridzik: You were talking to that jazzball so long I thought about having my head shaved.
- Ivan Danko: It could be a good idea.
- Ivan Danko: [in Russian] What's this key for?
- Viktor Rostavili: [in Russian] Kiss my ass.
- Ivan Danko: [to Ridzik, in English] You know what this key open?
- Art Ridzik: Looks like a key to a locker to me. Why don't you ask your bud?
- Ivan Danko: [hauls Viktor around to face Ridzik] You try.
- Art Ridzik: Where-is-the-lock-er-that-this-key-opens?
- Viktor Rostavili: [mutters something in Russian]
- Art Ridzik: What did he say?
- Ivan Danko: He say, "Go and kiss your mother's behind."
- [Gallagher laughs. Ridzik stares at Viktor for a moment, then lunges at him]
- [Danko changes his militia uniform for a suit]
- Art Ridzik: What, you retire your uniform?
- Ivan Danko: I now work undercover.
- Art Ridzik: Undercover? You look like Gumby.
- Art Ritzik: Yeah, and about the chess game, you were right, I was dead in two.
- Ivan Danko: [with scorn and moving away] It was obvious.
- Art Ridzik: How you doing, honey?
- Woman at airport: Blow yourself.
- Art Ridzik: Thank you. Thank you very much. Good thinking.
- Sgt. Gallagher: You hungry?
- Ivan Danko: No.
- Sgt. Gallagher: Thirsty?
- Ivan Danko: No.
- Art Ridzik: Hate to break up this romance, but I'm parked in a red zone.