- Steve Urkel: Laura, this is a... a really special moment and... well, I think we should celebrate it by... getting married.
- Laura: No.
- Steve Urkel: Engaged?
- Laura: No.
- Steve Urkel: Going steady?
- Laura: No.
- Steve Urkel: A date?
- Laura: No.
- Steve Urkel: A kiss?
- Laura: No.
- Steve Urkel: A handshake?
- Laura: No.
- Steve Urkel: I'll see ya tomorrow?
- Laura: Yeah.
- Steve Urkel: I'll take it.
- Steve Urkel: Loving you is like trying to touch a star. You know you'll never reach it, but you have to keep trying.
- Steve Urkel: The woman's been flirting with me.
- Waldo: She has?
- Steve Urkel: Oh yeah, just last week, she actually telephoned me in the middle of the night.
- Eddie: Steve, your house was on fire!
- Laura: How long have we known each other?
- Steve Urkel: Nine years, three months, two weeks, four days, six hours, eight minutes, and fourteen seconds... fifteen seconds... sixteen seconds.
- Carl: Go home, Steve.
- Steve Urkel: But Carl...
- Carl: Go home, Steve!
- Steve Urkel: Now, Big Guy...
- Carl: Go home! Go home! Go home!
- Steve Urkel: I don't have to take this! I'm going home!
- Steve Urkel: My uncle, Elijah Urkel, has been struck by lightning four times. At a party, once, he clamped cables to his earlobes and jump-started a Volkswagen. Then there's in the summer, when we use him as a human bug zapper. He's usually knee deep in dead mosquitoes. And then there was the time we went camping and we were in dyer need of a generator and we just plugged the toaster into Uncle Elijah and the Pop Tarts were flying.
- [Notices no one is there anymore]
- Steve Urkel: Well, I thought it was a good story.
- Judge Vance: All right, young man, call your first witness.
- Steve Urkel: Your Honor, I would like to call Waldo Faldo!
- Waldo: Okay, but I'm not home.
- Steve Urkel: Care to mop my brow?
- Laura: Forget it.
- Steve Urkel: No sweat, my pet?
- Laura: In your dreams.
- Steve Urkel: Hey, this is my dream!
- Laura: Well, then not even in your dreams.
- Steve Urkel: I can't believe this! I'm being rejected in my own fantasy.
- Steve Urkel: Have you ever had a date?
- Waldo: I got close once. I almost went to the movies with Vicky Vanderfanny.
- Steve Urkel: You mean Hickey Vicky?
- Waldo: Yeah, but I was so nervous when I asked her out that before she could answer, I barfed all over her shoes.
- [on the afternoon of the Prom]
- Laura: Girl, have you ever seen the hair salon so crowded?
- Maxine Johnson: It happens every year the day of the prom. Did you see them work on Dora Fenswick?
- Laura: She didn't need a hairstylist, she needs a fairy godmother!
- Laura: [Curtis is about to break bad news to Laura] Curtis!
- Curtis: Hi Laura!
- Laura: What's wrong?
- Curtis: I don't know how to tell you this, but I have to tell you straight out. I won't be able to take you to the prom.
- Laura: Curtis, I got my hair done, my nails. I bought a new dress and you say you can't take me?
- Curtis: That's Right
- Laura: Let me tell you something. It better be a dead relative in your excuse.
- Curtis: My grandmother died!
- Laura: [gasps] I'm sorry, I'm so sorry please forgive me.
- Curtis: My whole family is flying out to Washington for the funeral
- Laura: Can you wait a day, of course you can't
- Curtis: I know you're disappointed. I'm sorry, call you next week?
- Laura: Poor Curtis
- Maxine Johnson: Yeah and poor you, you gonna miss your prom.
- Laura: Maybe not, there has to be some guy who doesn't have a date.
- Laura: [as Steve walks he sobs and cries on Laura's shoulder] What's the matter baby, did you eat some bad cheese again? Whoo!
- Steve Urkel: [sobbing] No, it's Myra, her cold got worse. Her temperature shot up and she tossed more cookies than the Keebler elf. I rushed her to the emergency room and the doctor said she has walking pneumonia.
- Maxine Johnson: Will she be okay?
- Steve Urkel: [sobbing] In about a week or so, but she gonna have to miss the prom.
- [crying]
- Maxine Johnson: [Maxine starts to laugh while talking to Steve] Ooh, hoo hoo. This is amazing! You know uh, Laura doesn't have a date for the prom either. This means you guys have to go together.
- [laughs]
- Maxine Johnson: Bye!
- [Maxine laughs hysterically after she leaves the house]
- Boyd Higgins: Name's Boyd Higgins, but ym friends call me Buck!
- Eddie: Name's Eddie Winslow, but my friends call me... Eddie.
- Rodney Beckett: I'm Rodney, but my friends call me Rod-meister.
- Steve Urkel: And I'm Steve Urkel! And I don't get many calls!
- Laura: Look, I owe you an apology. The only reason I asked you to be my partner was because I was worried about my grade. When I said my feelings for you might change, I was lying. And I'm sorry.
- Steve Urkel: So, you used me! You trifled with my emotions! I offered you my heart and you stomped that sucker flat!
- Laura: Yes.
- Steve Urkel: No biggie!
- Steve Urkel: I have a spectacular evening planned!
- Laura: We're not going anywhere until the ground rules are straight. First of all, this is not a real date. It's a "non-date". Second, no one must ever know about this "non-date". Third, if you touch me at any time, the "non-date" is over.
- Steve Urkel: Well, what if you trip or something?
- Laura: Just let me fall! The rest of the rules are covered in this contract.
- Steve Urkel: [reading] "No mouth breathing, no snorting, no drooling". Who does these things? They're disgusting. Where do I sign?
- [Waldo is being cross-examined in court]
- Steve Urkel: State your name.
- Waldo: Illinois.
- Steve Urkel: No... state your name... not name your state.
- Waldo: Oh, Waldo Faldo... from Illinois.
- Steve Urkel: I... I'm being born! My head pops out! I can see my dad! Whoa, I'm being pushed back in!
- Steve Urkel: Mmm, steak. You ever been down to the slaughterhouse? It's fascinating. One minute, "Moo!" The next minute... rump roast!
- Steve Urkel: Hi everybody! Got anything in the fridge?
- Laura: Urkel, don't your parents feed you?
- Steve Urkel: Not everyday.
- Harriette: Better add zucchini to that shopping list.
- Judy Winslow: [writing] Z-U-K
- Harriette: Nope.
- Judy Winslow: Z-O-O-K
- Harriette: Uh uh.
- Judy Winslow: Let's get corn instead.
- Steve Urkel: Laura? Laura, please. Please, my little Rapunzel.
- Laura: For the last time, Steve. I will not give you a lock of my hair.
- Steve Urkel: I'll settle for a toenail clipping!
- Laura: How can you be so disgusting?
- Steve Urkel: It's a gift!
- Steve Urkel: Why, I can see the headlines now! "Nubbles Sucks Face with Nerd!"
- Cassie Lynn: You wouldn't.
- Steve Urkel: Would.
- Cassie Lynn: You couldn't.
- Steve Urkel: Could.
- Cassie Lynn: But, it's a lie! You kissed me. I didn't kiss you.
- Steve Urkel: Well, that may be what happened, but it won't be what the people believe. People just love juicy gossip!
- Steve Urkel: [Steve is suing Carl on the TV show Citizen's Court and Waldo has been called as a witness] Waldo, how did you feel about Pablo?
- Waldo: [Monotone while Steve mouths his words with him] Pablo was a kind and gentle creature. When I was with him, I felt... I felt...
- [Rolls up his sleeve and begins reading]
- Waldo: ... I felt like I was one with the Bee-Oh-Sphere.
- Steve Urkel: [panicked] ... um... perhaps you mean "biosphere"?
- Waldo: [after thinking a moment] Ok. Cool.
- Steve Urkel: [Rushed] That's all. I'm finished with this witness, your honor!
- Laura: Wait a second. Excuse me Waldo, is there something written on your arm?
- Waldo: Just the stuff Steve told me to say.
- Carl: [after kicking Steve out of the house] And don't you ever come back!
- Steve Urkel: What did you say?
- Carl: Oh, you heard me, don't ever come back.
- Steve Urkel: I will not be bullied! I love this lady
- [Laura]
- Steve Urkel: and I can come over here anytime I want to and you... can't... stop... me!
- Laura: I do want a guy with something upstairs, but, uh, I also want a well-built staircase.
- Steve Urkel: Oh, well, no problem-o. I'll just begin a rigorist-training schedule. Why, a few sessions on the Muscle Master and you'll be drooling over my deltoids.
- [strikes a pose]
- Steve Urkel: ... Laura?
- Laura: What, Steve?
- Steve Urkel: I hurt myself. Can you carry me home?
- [someone has just smashed into Lt. Murtaugh's classic car]
- Lt.Murtaugh: Do you know that woman Winslow?
- Carl: Yes, I do. Hi mom!
- Estelle Winslow: Carl! Carl, someone parked their own piece of junk in our driveway.
- [Steve just built an atomic bomb]
- Steve Urkel: I knew you'd be thrilled.
- Laura: This is just a model, right? It can't explode or anything?
- Steve Urkel: Why, of course it can! I love ya too much to build you a dud!
- Laura: But... but, where'd you get that radioactive stuff?
- Steve Urkel: I just called my uncle at the Pentagon. Colonel Dirk Urkel!
- Laura: There's an Urkel in our defense department?
- [Jazzy music playing]
- Laura: Steve, you like this kind of music?
- Steve Urkel: Mmm, not really.
- Laura: Maybe there's hope for you yet.
- Steve Urkel: I'm more of a polka kinda guy.
- Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Steve, how did you get so good at checkers?
- Steve Urkel: Practice. Fortunately, when I was young I had no friends.
- Steve Urkel: Hi Laura, my little sweet potata! Did you think of me while you guys were camping?
- Laura: Yeah, every time I used the bug spray.
- Steve Urkel: I have a lot of personal experience in first aid. I got a nosebleed at birth. My doctor slapped the wrong end.
- Lt. Murtaugh: You look familiar.
- Steve Urkel: We met once. You showed me a picture of your dog.
- Lt. Murtaugh: Right.
- Steve Urkel: So, how is old Blood Fang?
- Lt. Murtaugh: He's dead.
- Steve Urkel: I'm sorry.
- Lt. Murtaugh: Yeah... like that's gonna bring him back.
- Steve Urkel: [to Carl] They actually give this guy bullets?
- [after having stepped on Steve's bug]
- Carl: Who is Pablo?
- Steve Urkel: [Pointing to the floor] Him. And him. And... OOHHH, and him!
- Waldo: See anything you like?
- Steve Urkel: How much is that one?
- Waldo: Forty bucks.
- Steve Urkel: I'll give ya thirty.
- Waldo: Twenty-five!
- Steve Urkel: Twenty!
- Waldo: Fifteen and that's as high as I'm going.
- Steve Urkel: Sold!
- Waldo: Sucker.
- Laura: Steve... why did you give me this... this... THIS?
- Steve Urkel: Because, I love you... love you... love you!
- Carl: What's up?
- Steve Urkel: Well, actually, this is Eddie's story. All you'll hear from me is an occasional, 'Mmmhmm, that's right.'
- Eddie: That's enough, Steve.
- Steve Urkel: Mmmhmm, that's right.
- [Laura has stuffed her bra with Eddie's socks]
- Steve Urkel: [entering] Hi gang!
- [shocked]
- Steve Urkel: Laura!... Bazooms!
- [faints]