- Columbo: [referring to the water bed] You know, I've never tried one of these. My wife, that's Mrs. Columbo, she tried to get me interested.
- Alex Bradey: [after Columbo lies on the bed] Well, how do you like it?
- Columbo: Well, to tell you the truth, sir, it feels all swimmy. Makes me wonder what Mrs. Columbo had in mind.
- Alex Bradey: Is there anything else I can do?
- Columbo: Well there is something, sir.
- Alex Bradey: Tell me.
- Columbo: Maybe not, sir. Maybe some other time, not under these circumstances.
- Alex Bradey: They're my circumstances, Lieutenant, not yours. Go ahead and ask.
- Columbo: Is it alright if I make myself an ice cream soda?
- Alex Bradey: Coincidence is what makes a story, Lieutenant. Without coincidence, life runs evenly like a train on a track. Coincidence is a trainwreck, violence, suffering, and guilt.
- Columbo: [to Dog] Whaddya want, you want food? You just ate. All right, here, here's a bone. That's your third one this morning. There's too many snacks. Soon you're going to be big like a dirigible.