- Blaine Edwards, Antoine Marryweather: Welcome to Men On Film.
- Blaine Edwards: Where we look at movies...
- Antoine Marryweather: From a male point of view.
- [during the "Wheel of the Dozens" championship]
- The Champ: Your mama is so old and fat that before the Lord could say 'Let there be light' he first had to tell her to get her big fat ass out of the way.
- Homey Claus: Okay kids repeat after me. Silent night.
- Kids: Silent night.
- Homey Claus: Homey's night.
- Kids: Homey's night.
- Homey Claus: All was calm.
- Kids: All was calm.
- Homey Claus: All was bright... Bright like that damn light that cop shone in my face. He knew I didn't do it. HE KNEW I DIDN'T DO IT. I said BACK ME UP.
- Kids: All was bright... Bright like that damn light that cop shone in my face. He knew I didn't do it. HE KNEW I DIDN'T DO IT. I said BACK ME UP.
- Little Girl: He knew I didn't do it.
- Beauty Contest Host: [singing] Hey Ms. Black Person USA, the finest in the lan. Hey Ms. Black Person USA, like a sweet baked honey-glazed ham. You're dark and lovely, like a bottle of ripple wine... Just look at that big behind! What a bouquet. Ms. Black Person USA. She's black, ain't no taking her back.
- Antoine Marryweather: [Antoine is explaining football to Dwayne] Ok, now, you're going to be the center. So take this ball, bend over and I'm going to walk up right behind you and put my hands between your legs.
- Blaine Edwards: OOOH! I think I may have played this game before!
- Bonita Bitrell: Oh lawd, there's Ms. Jenkins.
- [waves to her]
- Bonita Bitrell: Hello Ms. Jenkins! Mmm, mm, mm. That's one fine woman there. Yes sir. Better NO one say nothin' bad about Ms. Jenkins. Uh-uh. Coarse her breath smells so bad it could singe your nose hairs. But I ain't one to gossip, so you didn't hear that from me.
- Homey The Clown: [talking to a case worker about his lengthy file] Save yer breath! That's just another long list of lies perpetrated by The Man to keep a brutha down!
- Black Prisoner: First of all, we must internalize the "flatulation" of the matter by transmitting the effervescence of the "Indianisian" proximity in order to further segregate the crux of my venereal infection. Now, if I may retain my liquids here for one moment. I'd like to continue the "redundance" of my quote, unquote "intestinal tract", you see because to preclude on the issue of world domination would only circumvent - excuse me, circumcise the revelation that reflects the "Afro-disiatic" symptoms which now perpetrates the jheri curis activation. See, so by the -...
- Narrator: Give to The United Negro Scholarship Fund. Because a mind is a terrible thing to develop without help.
- Black Prisoner: Allow me to expose my colon once again. The ramification inflicted on the incision placed within the Fallopian cavities serves to be holistic taken from the Latin word "jalapeno".
- Wanda Jackson: First of all I don't need no Eddie Munster looking with the widow peak fake wearing funky breath breathing coming in through my window when you wasn't even invited with them wearing them tired old clothes looking like Pee Wee Herman like he was on crack whiteboy telling me that I don't look good, Okay.
- Anton Jackson: [giving a toast] May your liquor be cold, your women be hot, and may all of your problems just slide off like snot.
- Barber: Anybody touch my liquor'll get cut!
- Michael Jackson: Excuse me Officer, but can you tell me if I'm black or white?
- Police Officer: You're under arrest.
- Michael Jackson: I guess I am black.
- Dating service customer: [Meeting his computer arranged date] You said you looked like Marilyn Monroe!
- Wanda Jackson: I do look like Marilyn Monroe!
- Dating service customer: No you don't; you look like 'Marilyn the 'Ho'!