- Delbert McClintock: [after stepping on a spider, a dog barks in the background] Yeah, that's right... I'm bad!
- Delbert McClintock: Spiders would find your barn a tad breazy this time of year. In that respect, spiders are a bit like you and me. No, I frankly doubt there are any spiders in your barn.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Well, I frankly know there is Delbert. I saw a web! There is a web in my barn!
- Delbert McClintock: ...A web would indicate an arachnoid presence.
- Delbert McClintock: Would anyone object if I tore this floor out?
- Molly Jennings: I would.
- Delbert McClintock: False alarm then. Lead on.
- Molly Jennings: Why is all the wood rotting?
- Delbert McClintock: I'll tell you why. Bad wood.
- Molly Jennings: So... what do we do?
- Delbert McClintock: Tear out bad wood. Put in good wood.
- Henry Beechwood: Bobby here, he's a, he's a Bronco star quarterback.
- Bobby Beechwood: Hi.
- Molly Jennings: Hi.
- Henry Beechwood: I taught him to throw a football before he could walk. I coach the team.
- Molly Jennings: Nepotism huh?
- Edna Beechwood: Actually, we're Baptists.
- [noticing the dead spider Lloyd took out of the cereal box]
- Milt Briggs: What could have killed it?
- Dr. Ross Jennings: The shock of seeing Lloyd?
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Chris, I'm scared to death.
- Collins: Yeah, we all are, but our brains secrete a neurotransmitter that enables us to deal with them.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: I don't think I have that particular neurotransmitter.
- [Flicks ant off of Manley's knee]
- Doctor James Atherton: 24 hour ant.
- Jerry Manley: They bite?
- Doctor James Atherton: They kill, Mr. Manley, in sufficient numbers.
- Doctor James Atherton: In this first generation, the original male also produced a queen, and together they will construct a primary nest which the queen will guard. But eventually, she will create reproductive offspring of her own. And when that happens, this town is dead... and the next town... and the next town... and the next one, and so on.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: In my opinion...
- Margaret Hollins: In my opinion, Dr. Metcalf isn't aware of the difference between his ass and a hole in the ground
- Dr. Ross Jennings: [Dr. Ross Jennings has just informed his wife that Dr. Sam Metcalf has postponed his retirement, and that he is seeing his only patient Tomorrow]
- Dr. Ross Jennings: We're gonna be fine, we'll be alright, just like you said.
- Molly Jennings: With ONE patient?
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Well, I mean, you know? Maybe I'll get lucky and all of her systems will be ravaged by disease. Ya know, kinda like having seven patients in one.
- [scene changes to Dr. Jennings surgery where he has just completed his examination of Margaret Hollins]
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Fit as a fiddle, not a damn thing wrong with ya.
- Margaret Hollins: Dr. Jennings, I'm sorry.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Oh, sorry? What do ya mean you're sorry?
- Dr. Ross Jennings: [under his breath] You think I was hoping you were ravaged by disease?
- Jerry Manley: So how long will it take us to get back to camp?
- Doctor James Atherton: What's the matter? You still worried about dinosaurs?
- Dr. Ross Jennings: The itsy-bitsy spider crawled up the water spout; down came the rain and washed the spider out.
- Molly Jennings: What's wrong?
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Metcalf - he's having a seizure.
- Molly Jennings: Thank God you didn't examine him this morning.
- Molly Jennings: I'm sure you knew exactly what you were doing when you took Margaret off those pills.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Like I knew what I was doing when I chose this town... with the country doctor from hell!
- Dr. Ross Jennings: What do you wanna bet they're gonna go chase fireflies?
- Bunny: Wanna blow up a bullfrog?
- Shelley: OK.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Milt, why don't you cover the living room.
- [sighs]
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Chris, why don't you check out back. And uh Lloyd, take the kitchen. And I'll just uh, I'll oversee the uh, I'll just coordinate the uh, I'll just stay right here.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Come on, let's go find that spider. And let's find your mom to take care of that spider. Honey, we're in the living room. We need you to kill a spider.
- Doctor James Atherton: I think this is a new species of butterfly... we could call it Photus Manlii
- [Atherton being goofy making in inside joke to Jerry Manley after all the bugs fall from the tree]
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Easy, easy with that. Don't want to agitate the sediments. Chateau Margaux, 127 bucks a bottle.
- Mover: Tasty, huh?
- Dr. Ross Jennings: At that price, who can afford to drink it?
- Sheriff Lloyd Parsons: [introducing Delbert to Doctor Atherton] Excuse me. Professor? This is our town exterminator.
- Delbert McClintock: Delbert McClintock, infestation management. Always nice to meet a collegue.
- Sheriff Lloyd Parsons: Now, he believes he came across one of the offending spiders a couple of hours ago.
- Doctor James Atherton: Might you have brought it with you?
- Delbert McClintock: Actually, he's probably still at the bottom of my shoe. You really can't tell what it is anymore.
- Doctor James Atherton: Well that could be the good news.
- Doctor James Atherton: [the spiders die soon after biting the victim]
- Milt Briggs: Now let's discuss the bad.
- Doctor James Atherton: [Talking about the General spider] In its original habitat it was confined by geography. That isn't true here.
- Delbert McClintock: [Spraying drone spider with insectiside on wooden walkway, Then steps on it when it does not die]
- Dog: [Barks]
- Delbert McClintock: That's right. I'm bad.
- Doctor James Atherton: [On seeing the general's web littered with dead animals] Incredible! You have been busy!
- Doctor James Atherton: [Attempting to lure out the general spider, Atherton plucks one of the strands of its web] Suppers ready! Come and get it!
- [the general spider screeches and leaps onto his neck sinking it's fangs into his throat]
- Delbert McClintock: [Later, Delbert finds Atherton's body as it drops from the rafters, cocooned and covered in spiders] Oh My God... They got the professor!
- Dr. Ross Jennings: [Whilst looking for a spider specimen, one jumps out from behind a painting on the wall] Is that one of them?
- Collins: I'd say it's a damn fine suspect!
- Dr. Sam Metcalf: Some damn thing bit me!
- Evelyn Metcalf: [Seeing the spider scurry away] It was just a spider.
- Dr. Sam Metcalf: A spider? Felt like a damn cougar!
- Dr. Ross Jennings: I'll be right there.
- Molly Jennings: What's going on?
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Metcalf he's having a seizure.
- Molly Jennings: Thank God you didn't examine him this morning.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Hey, what's the coroner doing here?
- Sheriff Lloyd Parsons: I don't know. Milt, this isn't necessary.
- Milt Briggs: I'll be the judge of that, Lloyd. Wait out here. Guard the house or something.
- Sheriff Lloyd Parsons: Guard the house?
- Milt Briggs: [overlooking Metcalf's dead body] Was he alive when you got here?
- Dr. Ross Jennings: He'd been dead maybe five minutes. Whatever it was, it was abrupt and acute.
- Milt Briggs: What's your guess? Massive coronary or cerebral hemorrhage?
- Dr. Ross Jennings: His wife says he was bitten by a spider just before he seized.
- Milt Briggs: Oh, right. Sam told me about you. You're the hotshot who won't accept anyone else's diagnosis.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: I'll accept it if I agree with it.
- Milt Briggs: Good.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Let me show you something. Down here.
- [He points to Metcalf's toe]
- Dr. Ross Jennings: I believe that's a spider bite.
- Milt Briggs: I'll buy that, but I rather doubt that's what killed him. In 20 years I've seen only one spider bite fatality, and that involved a black widow and a 1 year old child. Nope. My guess is that Sam overexerted himself. His wife said he was using the treadmill just before he keeled over.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Well, you may be right. I want a full autopsy tissue samples, blood toxicology, The whole 9 yards.
- Sheriff Lloyd Parsons: Wait just one second.
- Milt Briggs: Shut up Lloyd. You'll get Evelyn's permission, of course. You need a ride home?
- Dr. Ross Jennings: No, I'm all right, thanks.
- Milt Briggs: You know, you better take care of yourself now. You're the town doctor.
- Milt Briggs: Okay, hotshot. Are you sitting down? According to preliminary data, Sam Metcalf died as the result of a minute amount of an as-yet unidentified toxic substance in his bloodstream. My office isn't ruling out accidental poisoning, deliberate poisoning, or even killer spiders. At the moment, it looks like a heart attack to me. But, um, I'll support whatever you'd like to do.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: I've gotta have those bodies exhumed, Milt. I gotta be sure.
- Milt Briggs: Okay. Whatever you think is necessary.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Thanks.
- Sheriff Lloyd Parsons: Are you out of your mind?
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Slowly, and once more, Lloyd. I want Margaret Hollins' and Todd Miller's bodies exhumed. Dug up.
- Sheriff Lloyd Parsons: Hey, hey. Hey. You start pulling citizens out of the ground that should be enjoying their eternal rest, and that room full of patience you lucked into will disappear...
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Lloyd, I'll just get a court order. Milt Briggs is on my side.
- Sheriff Lloyd Parsons: This is a very bad business, Mr Yale graduate, big city doctor. A very bad business.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: No shit.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: We're looking for bites. Like this. That's a spider, isn't it?
- [Show Sam Metcalf spider bite on his toe]
- Collins: I'm not sure. I think so. But anyway, even at several times the potency of Latrodectus...
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Latro, uh... Black Widow, right?
- Collins: Right. Even then it would take more than one bite to kill. So you've gotta figure that this guy's death and the spider bite, if it is a spider bite, are coincidental.
- Irv Kendall: Hey, guys. How's it going? Poor Margaret. She was a good wife, good teacher, good neighbor. Excellent cook. Anything you want, just shout.
- [He walks out]
- Collins: I want some fresh air.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Chris! Chris! Come here!
- [Shows him the spider bite on Margaret's hand]
- Dr. Ross Jennings: you still think it's a coincidence?
- Collins: That's a spider bite. The tissue surrounding the bite is macerated.
- Milt Briggs: [overlooking Todd's dead body] Found one. There's a mark right here behind the left ear.
- Sheriff Lloyd Parsons: So what do you think, Doc?
- Dr. Sam Metcalf: Heart attack. Bound to happen rather sooner than later. She had a history of high blood pressure. Even with the pills I put her on...
- Dr. Ross Jennings: I took her off those.
- Dr. Sam Metcalf: What right did you have to do that?
- Dr. Ross Jennings: She came to me, as a patient.
- Dr. Sam Metcalf: And you didn't notice she was hypertensive?
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Her diastolic reading was normal. Her systolic elevation was below 160. Now, if you stayed current-...
- Dr. Sam Metcalf: This is a very serious matter, young man. Uh, Lloyd. You may well have killed this lovely woman.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: I don't think so. She was in fine shape. I want an autopsy.
- Dr. Sam Metcalf: Never!
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Look, she was my patient.
- Dr. Sam Metcalf: And mine for 40 years. God knows Margaret wouldn't want to be butchered, and nobody in this town would want that for her.
- Sheriff Lloyd Parsons: Give it to me, Irv. I'm satisfied if you're satisfied, Doc.
- Dr. Sam Metcalf: You come from a big city where people don't care about each other. I don't expect you to understand. A little advice if you're ever going to fit in Canaima, you'd better learn to be sensitive to the feelings of the good people here.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: I'm sorry I'm more interested in medicine than public relations. You know, cardiac victims don't usually bite their tongues off, Doctor. It's as though she went into tetanic convulsions. Now, until I know why, this case isn't closed.
- Dr. Sam Metcalf: You're damn right it's not closed. I believe you may be guilty of medical malpractice. I intend to pursue the matter to its conclusion.
- Dr. Sam Metcalf: I have terrific news. At least, uh, I think for my patients it's terrific, though my wife is less than thrilled.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: What's that, Dr. Metcalf?
- Dr. Sam Metcalf: I've decided to postpone retirement. I don't know for how long, but...
- Dr. Ross Jennings: But?
- Dr. Sam Metcalf: But when I thought really hard about it, I realized there's only one thing left to do when you retire. And I seen too many friends do that very thing just six months, a year, after they gave up their professions.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: But, uh, you... When we spoke just four months ago, you assured me that...
- Dr. Sam Metcalf: I'm not ready to retire, Doctor. If my wife can't rush me into it, you sure as hell can't either.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Excuse me.
- Sheriff Lloyd Parsons: Gotta feed the meter, partner.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Yeah, well I was just leaving.
- Sheriff Lloyd Parsons: Hmm. A little late, though. Hmm.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: I do have medical plates.
- Sheriff Lloyd Parsons: Oh, right. You're that new doctor.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Ross Jennings.
- Sheriff Lloyd Parsons: Sheriff Lloyd Parsons. You're a Yale grad, I heard.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: That's right. Yeah.
- Sheriff Lloyd Parsons: Well, it's just a school, isn't it?
- Margaret Hollins: That's enough, Lloyd Parsons. A young doctor comes to Canaima, and you write him a parking ticket?
- Sheriff Lloyd Parsons: What are you doing, Miss Hollins?
- Margaret Hollins: What the town ought to be doing. Your ticket tape parade.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Thank you.
- Sheriff Lloyd Parsons: That's littering, Miss Hollins.
- Margaret Hollins: Lloyd's been a bully since the fifth grade. I ought to know. I held him back. Walk me to my automobile.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Thank you for the swift intervention. How did you know who I was?
- Margaret Hollins: We're neighbors. I gave you a standing ovation when you arrived.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Oh.
- Margaret Hollins: Between you and me, Sam Metcalf only recently gave up leeches.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Yeah, he also recently gave up retirement. We moved down here from San Francisco with the understanding that I would inherit all of his patients, but now I have none.
- Margaret Hollins: No, Dr. Jennings. You have one.
- Molly Jennings: Honey, look at this light. On the best day in the city, we didn't get light like this. Maybe they'll give me a show in town. Don't they do that in a little towns--in the Town Hall? "Molly Jennings: A Retrospective." Of course I'll need to take some pictures first.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: There's good news, and there's bad news. Should we go in reverse alphabetical order, start with the good?
- Molly Jennings: Mm-hmm. Okay.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: I'm seeing my first patient this afternoon. She's a great old dame. She lives just up the road.
- Molly Jennings: Terrific. What's the bad news?
- Dr. Ross Jennings: She's my only patient.
- Molly Jennings: Today?
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Metcalf changed his mind.
- Molly Jennings: What?
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Yeah. He panicked. That's what it is. He decided that if he retires, he will lose his zest for life and die within 48 hours or something, I don't know.
- Molly Jennings: But he told you. We looked in 14 different towns. We bought a house. Yeah. You rented an office. What are we going to do?
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Kill him?
- Molly Jennings: I have my fax machine. I can work part-time from here. A phone and a fax machine, that's all I need. I'll call my old clients, tell them I'm available part-time-- just have my commissions.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Honey, honey, honey. We're going to be fine. We're all right, just like you said.
- Molly Jennings: With one patient?
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Well, you know, maybe I'll get lucky and all her systems will be ravaged by disease--kind of like having seven patients in one.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Fit as a fiddle! Not a damn thing wrong with you.
- Margaret Hollins: Dr. Jennings, I'm sorry.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Sorry? What do you mean you're sorry? You think I was hoping you were ravaged by disease?
- Margaret Hollins: What about my high blood pressure?
- Dr. Ross Jennings: You have above normal systolic pressure, which is far less dangerous than diastolic elevation, and yours is well below a level that requires treatment.
- Margaret Hollins: [shows him her pills] Do I need these?
- Dr. Ross Jennings: No. No, see, there are-- there's a difference between the two types of hypertension, and in my opinion...
- Margaret Hollins: In my opinion Dr Metcalf isn't aware of the difference between his ass and a hole in the ground, but Canaima folks, they're comfortable with him. They weren't always, though. When he first hit town just after the war, everyone was terribly standoffish.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Really? How'd he overcome that?
- Margaret Hollins: He threw a party, invited the whole town. If Sam Metcalf were half as good at medicine as he is at public relations, he could run for the next surgeon general. That's it. Next month, when the afternoons are cooler, we'll throw you a party.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Thanks.
- Molly Jennings: I got some great shots in the barn today.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Oh yeah?
- Molly Jennings: Yeah. If the camera picks up the web with half the detail my eyes did...
- Dr. Ross Jennings: The web?
- Molly Jennings: Yeah. Our little spider made himself a hell of a home. I think even you would appreciate it.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Molly, how can I make this more clear? I have a...
- Molly Jennings: A terrible fear of spiders. I'm aware. I've seen what happens. Which is exactly why I think you should force yourself to come with me and look at the web.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Look at the web?
- Molly Jennings: Yes, and see for the extraordinary and beautiful thing it is. Therapy, Ross. Come on, we live in the country now. It's time to work through this irrational, paralyzing terror.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: It's not irrational.
- Molly Jennings: I know. The incident.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: It's like it happened yesterday.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Ross, nobody remembers anything from when they were 2.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: It was my first memory. I can envision the crib, all around me, clear as day. I can still feel the feeling of waking up, just drowsy, peaceful, secure, and then there it was.
- Molly Jennings: Probably just a daddy longlegs.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: Yeah, well, it seemed huge. And it just came relentlessly, just crawling through the bars of the crib. And then, as it touched my bare leg...
- Molly Jennings: I know. You were just wearing a diaper.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: All my limbs involuntarily froze, just froze.
- Molly Jennings: You probably were still have asleep is all.
- Dr. Ross Jennings: I was paralyzed, Molly. I still get paralyzed, okay? Just please try to understand how this makes me feel. I was just physically unable to stop it from crawling along my naked skin. Just, I can still feel it's hairy little legs. Just, then, up to my face. You know, it's just a feeling of utter helplessness, of being explored by an alien thing, that's all.