- Charles Drucker: Harris. Say something honest, no holds barred. GO!
- Harris: I like... small boys.
- Charles Drucker: About the product, you fucking idiot!
- [Reading a magazine ad]
- Drucker: "Paramount Pictures presents 'The Freak.' This movie won't just scare you, it will fuck you up for life." I want to know how the fuck the word "fuck" gets in the New York fucking Times!
- Drucker: [reading ad copy] Metamucil: It helps you go to the toilet. If you don't use it, you'll get cancer and die.
- Kathy: Who here wants to be an ad-man?
- [several hands go up]
- Emory Leeson: Who here wants to be a fire engine?
- [everyone raises their hands, with several standing and commenting things like "Ooh, I do!" and "Me! Pick me!"]
- [Drucker is being interviewed on Larry King's TV program]
- Charles Drucker: Total honesty in advertising began as a vision I had when I was a young ad man in Milwaukee...
- Emory Leeson: I don't believe that jerk!
- Saabs: I like Larry King!
- Emory Leeson: I'm talking about Drucker! He took all the credit!
- Kathy: Pretty girls are breaking everybody's back.
- Emory Leeson: But you're pretty. I mean, really pretty.
- Kathy: Yes, but I don't have the problems normally associated with prettiness... because, when I was a child, I looked like Ed McMahon.
- Kathy: Hold me. Please hold me.
- Emory Leeson: I am holding you.
- Kathy: I know, but it's a woman thing. I have to say it.
- Bruce: Did you know that with the top of the line German cars, if you accidentally kill people, German pays for it ?
- Kathy: You may think phone service stinks since deregulation, but don't mess with us, because we're all you've got. In fact, if we fold, you'll have no damn phones. AT&T - we're tired of taking your crap!
- Emory Leeson: Take me away from here; I'll buy you dinner, I'll buy you a restaurant!
- Stephen: I have to go.
- Emory Leeson: You did quite a bit of silent farting in the car, so you're not perfect either.