- Billy: Jules, y'know, honey... this isn't real. You know what it is? It's St. Elmo's Fire. Electric flashes of light that appear in dark skies out of nowhere. Sailors would guide entire journeys by it, but the joke was on them... there was no fire. There wasn't even a St. Elmo. They made it up. They made it up because they thought they needed it to keep them going when times got tough, just like you're making up all of this. We're all going through this. It's our time at the edge.
- Kirby: She is the only evidence of God I have seen with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.
- Alec: You cannot have the Pretenders' first album! That's mine.
- Leslie: I bought it.
- Alec: You did not! You can have all the Billy Joels... except The Stranger.
- Leslie: I'm taking Thriller and Mahler's ninth.
- Alec: Kevin is so fond of Mahler.
- Leslie: I moved in with Jules.
- Alec: Oh how nice, roomies again... No Springsteen is leaving this house! You can have all the Carly Simons.
- Leslie: You got me those for Valentine's Day. Remember, they're used to be Valentine's Day here, Remember?
- Alec: You ran out on this relationship. You take the consequences.
- Leslie: I didn't run out on anything. You ran out.
- Alec: You fucked Kevin.
- Leslie: You fucked many!
- Alec: Nameless, faceless many!
- Leslie: I feel much better now, thanks.
- Alec: You're not taking The Police.
- Leslie: Anyway, I didn't just fuck Kevin! I was confused and angry, and I care about him deeply.
- Alec: Get your clothes, give me the keys and get out! Now!
- Leslie: I can't believe this is happening to us.
- Alec: Wasted love!
- [Throws football, across the room]
- Alec: God, I just wish I could get it back!
- Wendy: Yea... ya wanna know what's great? Last night I woke up in the middle of the night to make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich... and ya know, it was my kitchen, it was my refrigerator, it was my apartment... and it was the BEST peanut butter and jelly sandwich that I have had in my entire life
- Kirby: There are several quintessential moments in a man's life: losing his virginity, getting married, becoming a father, and having the right girl smile at you.
- Jules: I'm just so tired, Billy. I never thought I'd be so tired at 22. I just don't even know who to be anymore.
- Billy Hicks: Join the club. You know, no one was buying this together-woman-of-the-eighties stuff anyway.
- Billy: So you lost your job? I've lost twenty of them since graduation. Plus a wife and kid. And, in a new development this morning, a handful of hair in the shower drain.
- Kirby: You are just pissed off and bitter because you have not had sex in... how long? What is it... a year... maybe two? Refresh my memory please, Kevin. Haven't you heard of the sexual revolution?
- Kevin: Who won, huh? Nobody. Used to be sex was the only free thing, No longer. Alimony... palimony... it's all financial. Love is an illusion.
- Kirby: It's the only illusion that counts, my friend.
- Kevin: Says who?
- Kirby: Anyone who's been in love.
- Kevin: Love sucks.
- Kirby: So does your attitude.
- Leslie: I'm sorry to bother you here.
- Alec: Did you forget one of your albums?
- Leslie: It's Jules. After she left, for work this morning, some finance company came. They took away her furniture, her Jeep, everything. I tried to reach her but, I couldn't get through so, I went into her office. She's been pretending, to go to work every day, telling me she still, has an affair with her boss. Alec, he fired her three weeks ago. So, I confronted her, at first she denied everything and, she went crazy. She locked me out of the apartment, and she won't let me back in. Alec please, I need your help.
- Jules: All this time I was afraid you'd find out I wasn't fabulous.
- Billy Hicks: It's cool. All this time I was afraid you'd find out I was irresponsible.
- Wendy: We're really worried about this affair with your boss.
- Jules: I don't know why you're both so worried... So, I bop him for a couple of years, get his job when he gets his hands caught in the vault, do a black mink ad, retire in utter disgrace, then write a best seller and be a fabulous host on my own talk show...
- Leslie: How's Howie?
- Wendy: Oh well, I wouldn't say my father's trying to bribe me, but he did offer me a Chrysler Lebaron convertible if I get engaged to Howie.
- Jules: Have you fucked him yet?
- Wendy: Jules!... God.
- Jules: Listen... get the car, fuck him, and if you don't like him, break the engagement... And then you can still fuck him.
- Leslie Hunter: You must have been in love with someone, sometime.
- Kevin Dolenz: Yeah, once. Junior high, I played bongos in this band and I fell in love with the lead singer. She sang "We've Only Just Begun" as sweet as Karen Carpenter. So, one night, I got high on this cheap malt liquor, and I pledged my love to her. And the next day she ran off with a bass player named Ringo. So, I turned in my bongos for a battered Underwood typewriter.
- Kevin: You know there are more people in law school right now than there are lawyers on the entire planet? Think about that.
- Kevin: You know Jules, there is the brink of insanity and then there is the abyss, which obviously you have fallen into!
- Alec Newbary: I can't believe what I just did. I innocently go downtown to buy the nightgown and this amazingly leggy blond salesgirl offers to model it for me. So we wind up doing it standing up in the dressing room in front of a three-way mirror.
- Kevin Dolenz: So there's six of you.
- Jules: Leslie, did I tell you? I'm sorry. I went to see my boss. I thought I was getting fired. Instead, the man took me to dinner.
- Leslie Hunter: I told you not to start bopping your boss.
- Jules: Too late.
- Wendy Beamish: Go get out of hand.
- Billy Hicks: I'm gonna keep in touch.
- Wendy Beamish: No, you will not.
- Leslie Hunter: I can't remember who met who first or who fell in love with who first. All I can remember is the seven of us always together.
- Alec Newbary: You don't need that thing. We're getting married soon. Let's play some Russian roulette.
- Leslie Hunter: And who carries the bullet around for nine months?
- Alec Newbary: Senator Hodges?
- Jules: [about her stepmother] It turns out cremation costs just as much as the non-torching method. If I don't come up with a cheaper solution, I'm gonna end up a bag lady. Of course, I'll have alligator bags.