Paul Fusco and Mihaly 'Michu' Meszaros in ALF (1986)

Quotes

ALF

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Willie: This is a jigsaw puzzle.
ALF: It's broken.
Willie: That's the object, ALF. You're supposed to put it together.
ALF: Why? I didn't break it.

ALF: Justice will not rest.
Kate: What if I gave justice a cookie?
ALF: Justice will think about it.

ALF: I hate musicals. Out of the blue people burst into songs.
Willie: Hence the term "musical."
ALF: Yeah, but wouldn't it get on your nerves if all of a sudden I started singing : "Hey, Kate, ain't it great? Hey, Willie, you look silly. Hey -"
Willie: It's getting on my nerves.
ALF: So what musical are you going to go see today?
Willie: "Cats."
ALF: Take me, please! Then afterwards, we can go backstage and eat the actors!

Willie: Some people are so blinded by the thirst for money, that it causes them to lose their values and do things they shouldn't do.
ALF: Well, that explains Ghostbusters II.

[catch phrase]
ALF: Haaa! I kill me.

[ALF and Lynn are trying to get their parents to stop fighting]
ALF: To get a couple back together on Melmac, we'd recreate the happiest moment of their marriage.
Lynn: I wonder what Mom and Dad's happiest moment was.
ALF: The day they met me?
Lynn: Think again.
ALF: The day after they met me.
Lynn: Keep thinking.
ALF: I can't. My brain hurts.

Willie: You can't vote, ALF , you're not a citizen.
ALF: I'll apply for a green card.
Willie: That's only if you want a job.
ALF: Pass.
[pause]
ALF: I know, I'll marry Lynn. Become a citizen, vote, then drop her of like a hot potato.
Willie: ALF...
ALF: Sure it will be hard on her first. She'll cry, drink a little too much. Join with a bongo player named Waquine.
Willie: ALF.
ALF: You'd like Waquine, he doesn't like beets.
Willie: Neither you or Waquine may marry my daughter and you may not vote.
ALF: Fine. I have not voice in government, Waquine will get deported, and they'll make him eat beets.
Willie: How many cups of coffee have you had?
ALF: Forty. Why?

ALF: [ALF is trying to hypnotize Lucky] You are getting sleepy. You... are no longer a cat. You are a bagel.

Willie: How long are you gonna keep this up?
ALF: Well, in the words of Porky Pig "tha-tha-tha-tha-That's all folks." Speaking of Porky, do I smell bacon?
Willie: No.
ALF: Well, I'd like to.

ALF: Putting humans in charge of the earth, is the cosmic equivalence of letting Eddie Murphy direct.

[ALF has just broken Willie's shortwave radio]
Willie: Do you know how long - *looooooong*... It took me ten years to put that thing together.
ALF: I'm glad to see you haven't wasted your life.

Brian: Do you get Sesame Street where you live?
ALF: No, and frankly I don't get it here either.

ALF: Kate, have I ever lied to you?
Kate: Yes. Several times.
ALF: I meant today.

Kate: Don't break that remote.
ALF: Kate, have I ever broken anything?
[Kate stares at him]
ALF: Well, lately?
[pause]
ALF: This week?
[pause]
ALF: Today?
[pause]
ALF: Since breakfast?

Trevor Ochmonek: Hey, Willie! Could we borrow some of your tools?
Willie: Sure. They're in your garage.

Brian: You'll have to chew with your mouth closed tonight, ALF.
ALF: All right, but on my planet, that's considered very rude. People think you're hiding something.

ALF: I had a cousin. Pretty Boy Shumway. He lived on the south side of Melmac. The baddest part of the planet. If he didn't like your shoes...
[points at Willy, imitating machine gun sound]
ALF: "ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."
Willie: You mean he'd shoot a person just because he didn't like his shoes?
ALF: No. He'd just point at you and go, "Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."

[ALF is sitting on Willie's bed, and a burglar comes through the window]
ALF: [off-screen narrating] Then it happened. *He* came into my life. At first, I thought it was Santa Claus. Then it hit me, Santa probably wouldn't smell of cheap wine. Besides, he was beginning to fill his bag with things that didn't belong to him.
ALF: Can you take a little constructive criticism? What you're doing here is wrong.
Burglar: [examines ALF] Must be one of those talking dolls.
ALF: Oh, yeah? Ever had a talking doll rip out your voice box?

[Kate refuses ALF to baby-sit Eric]
ALF: But why, why?
Kate: Why? Cause you're irresponsible. You trashed the living room, blew up the kitchen, wallpapered the shower...
ALF: It was a rhetorical question.

ALF: I don't want to be an orphan. I saw "Annie." Orphans have to eat gruel and tap dance with mops.

ALF: [ALF almost kills Willie with the TV] Willie, it was an accident!
Willie: An accident? An accident? You almost killed me, and you say it was an accident?
ALF: Alright, let's call it a mistake!

Willie: If you had eaten that dish towel, I would have been very angry.
[pause]
Willie: That's a sentence I never thought I would hear myself say.

Willie: Well, ALF, while we're gone, I trust you won't be getting into any mischief.
ALF: You do?
Willie: Not really, but we gotta go.

Willie: Stay away from the window, we've got a very nosy neighbor - Mrs. Ochmonek.
ALF: Ochmonek? Sounds like a typo.

ALF: Willie. If a window was broken in the woods, but there was no-one there to hear it, would it really be broken?
Willie: If you were in the woods.

ALF: [slowly enters kitchen] The Great Orange hunter stalks his prey.
[opens fridge]
ALF: Ah, he sees it. The illusive loin of Pork the most prized catch in the refridgidary jungle. What's this?
[picks a note off the food and reads it]
ALF: "ALF don't eat this" Why would I eat this?
[throws away the note]
ALF: Ever so deftly the great orange hunter maneuvers his weapon. He strikes.
[as he does this an earthquake starts]
ALF: Whoa. Has the hunter angered the gods? Okay, I won't eat pork.

Kate: Do you remember when you thought Mr.Littwak was building an atomic bomb in his basement?
ALF: It was an atomic bomb.
Willie: It was a pool heather.
ALF: Hah. The Littwak's don't even own a pool.
Kate: Yes, they do.
ALF: They do? Can we go over?

[Willie and Kate are debating on whether or not they should tell Kate's mother about ALF]
Willie: I suppose we just sit her down and ask her if she's ever seen E.T.?
ALF: Why do you keep comparing me to E.T.? You know, Willie, someday, when people ask me what you're like, I'll ask them "Did you ever see 'The Nutty Professor'?"

Willie: There's more than one way to skin a cat.
ALF: You've been looking at my recipe book.

ALF: [ALF blows up the kitchen] I guess we'll have to order in.

Willie: Go back to the tent.
ALF: It's too dangerous out there. I had to kill a fifty-foot snake with my pocketknife.
Willie: There are no fifty-foot water snakes in the backyard.
ALF: I'm telling ya, it was bright green and it spit water. Ths Ths
[spitting water sound]
ALF: .
Willie: That was my new garden hose.
ALF: Oh, no wonder it was sucking on the spigot.

[ALF has to stay in the garage because Kate's mother is visiting]
ALF: Kate, there's no TV in here.
Kate: We'll let you use the portable TV.
ALF: The black and white one with the 1 inch screen? Good. I'll tape it to my eye.

[on a camping trip]
Willie: One more word out of you, and you're not eating with us.
ALF: Right. Let the alien starve.
Willie: I think the alien could skip a meal. It might be a new experience for you!
[pause]
Willie: How would you like your hamburger?
ALF: Medium rare. Hold the lightning.
Willie: How would you like to be 50% hair?
ALF: You know, you're a different person when you're on vacation.
Willie: I'm just trying to make this vacation fun.
ALF: How, by drowning us?
Willie: By trying to keep a positive attitude! You might do that yourself... INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING ALL THE TIME!
Kate: [annoyed] Guys, please.
ALF: Well, not everyone enjoys spending their vacation in a rainforest!
Willie: We're in this rainforest because of you!
ALF: I vote we go home.
Willie: You're not voting in this.
ALF: Call the newspapers! Democracy is dead!

[ALF enters the Tanner's bedroom]
ALF: Are you decent?
Willie: Does it matter?
ALF: Not to me.

ALF: If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it's run over by a car, you don't want it.

[the Tanners help ALF becoming a minister. They are asking him questions from Melmac's holy book]
Brian: What's is the kindest thing that you can do for someone else?
ALF: Burp down wind.
Willie: He's right. It says, "He who burps down wind can party with me any time."

ALF: All right. Let me see if I've got this reindeer thing straight. There's... uh... there's Dasher, Dancer, Comet, Cupid... Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
Lynn: No, it's Prancer, Dancer, Vixen, Blitzen...
ALF: Huey, Duey and Luey.
Brian: No, those are ducks.
ALF: Then how do they pull the sleigh?

Jake Ochmonek: What are you, anyway?
ALF: I'm an alien, from the planet Melmac. I have powers you can only dream of.
Jake Ochmonek: Like what?
ALF: Uhhhm... I can watch 10 hours of TV, without ever getting up to go to the bathroom.

ALF: Like my old skeelball coach used to say: "Find something you're not good at, and then don't do it."

[ALF has just squirted Willie with a squirting flower]
Willie: You amaze me. You're 229 years old and that's what you think is funny.

Lynn: You have a cousin named Blinky?
ALF: Well, we call him that because he likes to eat lightbulbs.

[Kate tries to help Jake to talk to a girl]
Kate: If it would be any help at all, you could practice on me.
Jake Ochmonek: It wouldn't be the same, Mrs. Tanner. Laura's much more... she's beautiful.
Kate: [coldly] I see.
[she leaves]
ALF: [to Jake] You've got a way with women.

Jake Ochmonek: Laura's very curious about her secret admirer, so I was thinking like actually saying something to her.
ALF: Danger, Will Robinson.

[ALF is determined to prove the man next door is Elvis Presley]
ALF: I can be logical if I have to. The man's name is Aaron King. Elvis' middle name was Aaron and he was king of Rock 'n' Roll.
Willie: I'm not convinced.
ALF: OK. How about this. Hank Aaron is baseball's home run king and Elvis loved baseball.
Willie: ALF, you are grasping at straws.
ALF: [shouts] OK. Listen to this. Aaron Burr wanted to be King of America and he was from the South, just like Elvis.

ALF: Raining cats? You open the skylight and I'll get the relish.

Willie: I never meant to bring Jimbo over.
ALF: You brought an elephant home to dinner?
Willie: I said Jimbo, not Jumbo.

ALF: I'm on a new diet. I can eat as much of whatever I want.
Lynn: And you lose weight that way?
ALF: You do?

Kate: ALF, you can use the portable TV in the bedroom.
ALF: But it's too small. It makes everyone look like Danny DeVito.

ALF: Are you gonna throw a hissy fit every time I squander a couple thousand dollars?

ALF: Melmac was the name of my planet. It's also what it was made out of.

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ALF

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