User reviews

Fundamentally, this is, for all intensive purposes, a pretty awful movie.

The acting is deplorable and the story is not much better.

I like the persona of Cobra and the gun and I LOVE the car. I could have watched 90 minutes of the car, it would have been a much better version of the film.

I own a copy of this movie! I have never recommended it to anyone, ever.

Best scene, the supermarket assault.

With two Rambo movies, First Blood (1982) and Rambo : First Blood part II (1985) under his commando belt, Sylvester Stallone had confidently confirmed himself as the Box Office king of the Action Thriller genre. With all the gingoism and American flag waving that went with the comic strip adventures of the worlds favourite fictional viet nam vet, Stallone steps up a gear into Cobra (1986), one of the tightest, exciting, well written and under-rated action movies of the past few decades. Stallone takes British crime novelette Running Duck (US - Fair Game} from celebrated writer Paula Gossling and gives it the full Rambo gloss treatment. Gone from the novel is the alcoholic schizoid lead character and in his place is Marion Cobretti, the typical, four square Stallone character, and the story is all the better for this. Stallone' screenplay is pretty simple, and so is the under lying message that evil is a force that must be met on its own terms. So what we have is a violent actioneer chock full of punch ups, car chases and shooting. Sadly, the script isn't developed enough, and the Rocky elemnts so typical of Stallone's movies at this point, IE, the underdog hero who everyone is against, is used to the maxim here. Unlike the Rocky movies, the glare of humour isn't up to scratch, and so a great many of the lead characters are unlikeable. So what? Wasn't this the case with thrillers such as Seven or Resovoir Dogs? However, Rambo Director George Pan Cosmatos gives a fresh coat of paint to this particular movie, adding stylish touches of film noir to the action genre in a way that precceeds Face/Off (1997) and a whole host of successors. Bridgette Nielsen is the movies real surprise, giving a likeable and sincere performance as Helgar, under the watchful eye of her then Husband. What is really surprising is that Cosmatos manages to succesfully blend into the action genre touches of classic and contemporary horror movies such as Friday the Thirteenth and John Carpenters Halloween with the chilling depiction of the Night Slashers. The movie also contains some of the most exhilerating action and chase sequences, particularly in the movies climax, where Cobra lets rip unto the Night Slashers men. This is an under-rated gem, a very efficient Stallone/George Pan Cosmatos vehicle, and very possibly the best ever Menahem Golan, Yoram Globus/Cannon Film Group picture ever produced. .......................................................................

8/10

Continuing my plan to watch every Sly Stallone movie in order, I come to Cobra.

Plot In A Paragraph: Cobra (Stallone) a tough cop, who does things his own way, must protect a witness from a murderous gang led by the Night Slasher

This was Sly's attempt at a Dirty Harry type movie/franchise (right down to the opening, outright ripping off Magnum Force's opening) However an out of control ego (Its rumoured none of the supporting cast or crew were allowed to talk to Stallone during filming, insisting on his then wife being the female lead) and an attempt to make more money costs the movie dear.

The original cut over the movie was over 2 hours long. Due to concerns it might not be a hit, the final cut was 84 minutes, thereby increasing the number of screenings per day. Some of the more violent scenes were also cut to get a lower rating. A lot of plot was either removed or sped up while most of the violence and nearly every death was edited or depicted off-screen, resulting in numerous continuity errors and plot holes.

We never find much out about the axe banging cult (a mix of business men in suits and tough bikers who all brandish the same tattoo) or the "New World" that the main villain talks about. What we do get is a lot of montages, with Sly looking tough and moody behind his shades or cool and moody behind his shades. Stallones new wife (Bridgette Neilson) isn't left out either, she gets a solo montage of her modelling various outfits during a photo shoot.

George P Cosmotos (Rambo: First Blood Part 2) was directing Stallone again, and (like in their previous collaboration) he does a good job of making Stallone look good. Which, along with the fact that Stallone could control him, is probably why he was hired. The movie is based on the novel 'Fair Game', once Stallone had rewrote it (which seems to be a bad habit of his) it bears zero resemblance to the source novel.

Whilst it has a few good lines, most of the dialogue is awful, and it is poorly acted by most of the cast, and the less said about some of the editing the better!! Stallone does what he does best, (although the one man army works well with Rambo, it's laughable here) and looks cool doing it. But this is an average, forgettable 80's flick at best, when it could have been so much more.

I'm very bad in english, i'm from Russia. But I'm fun of Stallone and don't keep silently. This film - classics! It don't have spare! All in it working for result. It's action in last type. In Russia, we have saying: all genius - simply. It's about this film. "Cobra" - as your picture at the wall - nice for your eyes. Sorry for my bad english! Now I'm go to gim - i want to be strong as Cobretti. Arnold and Van Damm, and Sigal - stupid before Stallone! They never made such beautiful script!

Walking away when his ideas for "Beverely Hills Cop" were rejected by the producers, and replaced by Eddie Murphy, Sly Stallone held the middle-finger up high and wrote the screenplay and starred in "Cobra", where he pumped in the action, violence and ideas he had had for "Beverely Hills Cop". The result is what you would expect from the man riding high on his roles in the "Rocky" franchise and "First Blood". Stallone struts around chewing on a match, wearing slick, tight clothes and muttering cheesy lines like "You're the disease, I'm the cure" and racks up a body-count of 40 plus with his Jatimatic submachine gun - a very quirky weapon that never saw mass-production. The film also contains the most outrageous hand-break turn in cinema history. Stallone plays Marion Cobretti - the cop LAPD call in when they are dealing with situations that no other cop can deal with, apparently. Essentially, they just call him in when they want some dirt bag laced with bullets. There's an apparent serial killer on the loose in LA, slashing random people to death. When the model Ingrid (Brigitte Nielson) sees the culprit in action, she becomes the next target, and Cobretti is detailed to protect her. It turns out that they are not dealing with one twisted killer, but a whole legion of them, and they are organised and even have connections...

"Cobra" was never going to be more than braindead action but that is the appeal, and Stallone never has notions beyond that. He set out to make and star in the film he wanted, which is a credit to him. He shamelessly turns himself into a marketable product like Pepsi and Coors - two brands that feature throughout the movie - but what a fun, testosterone-dripping piece of work this is; a quintessential '80s action movie. According to the trivia section on IMDb, Sylvester Stallone complained to cinematographer Ric Waite that they were falling behind, and said he and his crew needed to work harder. Waite reportedly responded by saying that maybe if Stallone "gets his hands off Brigitte Nielsen's ass and stops showing off to his bodyguards" then maybe they'd be up to speed! Yes sir, that about sums it up.

What was Stallone thinking of when he wrote this? Everyone in this movie is an idiot, and there's no one sympathetic. Robinson's liberal character just seems to be in the movie so he'll get punched at the end. Cobra is a particularly repulsive character - the first glimpse of him shows a close up of his five o'clock shadow, uncombed hair, and a match in his mouth - ugh! Stallone has an acceptable voice in real life, but he gives Cobra a low, sometimes hard to make out, groan in his voice that makes it sound like he's talking in his sleep. The bikers are stupid even for bikers - why do they clank axes over their heads? Why don't they get out of the way when Stallone machine guns from the truck near the end? Movie also contains some of the most blatant product plugs in history, for Pepsi and "Toys R Us" (the latter by playing an _entire commercial_ on a TV Cobra watches.)

However, I will freely admit that I enjoyed COBRA - as a so-bad-its-good movie. Sure you'll groan several times - but you'll also find a lot of unintended laughs and giggles. It's even funnier than it could have been, because Stallone writer/star and director Cosmatos take the movie incredibly seriously. Plus, the fact Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus produced it makes it a must see. It should be noted, however, that the cinematography isn't bad, and a few action sequences are acceptable as well.

I love the villains in this film. They seem to have no motivation whatsoever other than being murderers. There's something about a New Order with quasi-religious stuff going on, but somehow it doesn't quite jibe with their main job of killing people at random. It would be different if they were some sort of thrill kill cult, but no one seems to be having much fun. I guess one joins these guys, is issued a machine gun and a motorcycle, yells at some sweaty leader, and then drives around in a van holding people down for from guy called slasher to kill. When Stallone shows up they drive into his bullets like lemmings. The incompetence of the directing makes it look like they're doing it deliberately. Never have anonymous villains had so little dignity in death. (Except maybe for the storm troopers who got their butts whupped by Ewoks.) The villains are almost abstract in their devotion to being part of the carnage at the end.

The rest of the movie is not as remarkable in any way. It's yet another action movie where the hero has to assault an enemy base/stronghold/hideout to extract the babe who got nabbed. This one has a Dirty Harry character.

Hard to believe this is the film Sly wanted to turn "Beverly Hills Cop" into. You'll notice a "based on the book" credit in the opening titles, but I feel that was just a courtesy. Paula Gosling's novel was (apparently) based on a woman who falls in love with her cop-protector. The amount of the book used probably amounts to that previous line.

From there, Sly puts his own unmistakably vain 80s stamp on this gut-busting mess, which he at least makes watchable in that "what a POS" kinda way. Penned by the man himself, in full self-serving flower, he plays yet another near-comatose renegade. Always adorned in mirrored sunglasses, scratchy beard, and obligatory mouth-matchstick, he mumbles his way through dialogue I can't imagine him not howling at as he typed it.

Obviously inspired by the "Night Stalker" killings of the previous year (1985), he gives his villain the similar moniker of the "Night *Slasher*." His change to the actual events is that it's not just one psycho, but a group of them, who spend countless hours in a factory, clanging hatchet blades together and spouting interminable rhetoric about "The New World." Our first evidence of this is the utterly infamous opening sequence involving a supermarket nutbag.

Upon randomly blasting a number of Charmin and Cocoa Pebbles buyers, Stallone's "Cobra" is called in to put a stop to the madness. No mention is made of him being a hostage negotiator; he just roars up in an aged car and storms the building, to the dismay of his cop-detractors. Several memorable one-liners later, we're off to the main plot involving Nielsen's character being targeted by said wacko regime.

Throw in some Rambo, Friday the 13th slasher elements, and Halloween II hospital madness, and you have "Cobra." You know you're in bad shape when the first MTV montage is only about twenty minutes in. Then at the hour mark the film's tank hits empty, limping to its 600 shot-dead motorcyclists and steel factory finale.

With all that said, if you like embarrassing star-trips, you may last through the whole thing. Sly's knee-slapper characterization (bumping gang-bangers cars, using a remote control despite being inches from his TV) has enough stunningly stupid moments to pull you along. There's also eye-squinters like the bad lady cop who speaks at times like a drag queen, and the innumerable amount of back-up nutcases who show up on motorbikes, who had not been seen to that point.

Not to be overlooked, Sly even gives himself John Wayne's original given first name: Marion. The ultimate thrill would be to sit down with him to watch this thing, no doubt counting the times he puts his hand up over his face in shame.

George Cosmatos, the director of the dim-witted RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART 2, directs this schizophrenic exercise in style with some aplomb.

The title sequence is simply stunning. DOP Ric Waite's images exist in some sort of surreal world that the film can't possibly contextualize. At magic hour, a bad guy on a motorcycle is intercut with ludicrous but gorgeous images of other bad guys (in suits, no less) ritualistically banging axe handles together in some underground warehouse in Los Angeles in time with a dark, brooding synth score

The sequence that follows, a madman's bullet-ridden assault on a supermarket, is again stunningly shot and staged and a triumph of style over anything you want to name.

Once these bravura sequences have passed, mediocrity and Hollywood Plotting 101 cuts in and we're pulled back into a dull reality.

But don't fret. Sit tight for long enough and you get an enthusiastically staged car chase with ducks, machine guns, classic cars bursting from buildings, a Santa who comes close to being roadkill and badly uttered Stallone lines.

Fast forward then to the film's climactic shootout on motorcycles and you're left with an action film that spends forty minutes doing everything right.

Stallone emotes with cruise control and his wife-at-the-time Brigitte Nielson just wears the clothes and moves from first position to second.

This film has all the classic elements of a Clint Eastwood Dirty Harry film: Renegade loner cop of few words working outside the system, a psychotic bad guy, a partner that gets shot and a big, BIG gun!

In fact, it would not surprise me at all to learn that this film was originally planned as a Dirty Harry project but due to Eastwood's age and a similar plot element as a previous Dirty Harry film (evil cult), it may have simply been rewritten to suit a younger and even more "Over the Top" cop, Sly Stallone. Even the opening sequence featuring a pistol shooting at the viewer after some haunting narration is almost exactly like the opening sequence of Magnum Force (I believe).

While the motivation for the "bad guys" is not very well explained or explored, they seem to be everywhere and highly dedicated to their cause which is apparently ushering in a "new world order" which also isn't very well explained. For all the blood that gets spilled in this movie, I would have liked to have had a bit more background into why all these people feel obligated to murder all the time for no reason... but maybe that's what makes them so bad. Evil doesn't particularly need a reason or an excuse to be evil.

The action scenes are great as expected and the plot and other characters really only serve to justify the Rambo-with-a-badge moments (same director as Rambo). The movie boasts one of the best cars and car-chases ever filmed which is probably the highlight of the movie now that I think of it.

Stallone (Cobra) attempts a few Dirty Harry-like one liners that come off a little forced and flat with dialog that is tough one second and awkwardly compassionate the next. But don't watch this movie for the snappy dialog or great acting... get it for the action scenes and for the underlying message which is: "Some people need to be dealt with harshly because they are pure evil and do not deserve their day in court."

If this WERE a Dirty Harry film, I would say it is better than Dead Pool but not as good as any of the others. A decent-enough film for anyone who vicariously enjoys seeing satanic Marxist cults get destroyed with cool weaponry boasting bottomless ammo magazines.

Every now and then I get an urge: I don't like to talk too much about it, but there it is, lurking… this urge. I can't tell my girlfriend, and once I've satisfied the urge, well, naturally, I feel quite disgusted with myself. You understand, though, I can't help it… I should explain. Mostly the urge involves turning down the lights, flicking on the TV and baying snobbishly and unpleasantly for 90minutes at films like Cobra. So far, I haven't found a support group for this compulsion, but I'm looking into it.

So I suppose in some ways I should feel grateful to Cobra because if films like this didn't exist, I should be forced to watch Star Wars again. And while this would undoubtedly sate my feelings of smug superiority, it would nonetheless be masochism, and I have enough of a problem with my urge as it is.

I suppose I should feel grateful, but part of the problem with my condition is that I can't. Cobra has to be one of the worst films ever made. If the illegitimate child of Miami Vice and Dirty Harry mated violently with the less poetically inclined twin of the Death Wish brothers it might bear nagging resemblance to Cobra. Cobra is living proof that, were it possible to surgically remove the 1980s from the sphere of human history (thereby losing my childhood, Gandhi, Bladerunner and Live Aid) it would be a price worth paying.

Both dialogue and delivery make the fromage of Bruce Willis positively Shakespearian in comparison. Take the following line as a sample: "Hey dirt bag, you wasted that kid for nothing. Now I think it's time to waste you!" or perhaps the following (Killer)"The court is civilized, isn't it pig?" (Sly) "But I'm not. This is where the law stops and I start - sucker!" Sly got a screen writing "credit" for this film, by the way. I mean, Rocky isn't exactly Hamlet, but what a comedown. It's incredible to think that two scant years later Die Hard was in the cinemas.

What is more extraordinary about Cobra is that the performances, camera-work and score are more lame than the script.

Anyway, unless you suffer from a similar compulsion to mine, avoid this film. It shares the credit with Commando for being the sphincter of 1980s cinema – and boy – as mister 'cott would say - that's saying summut. 1/10

My favorite best Stallone action movie. But from the 80's that Stallone made action films is the first stand alone film not meaning Rocky and Rambo. Cobra will never stop been my favorite best action movie horror thriller from the 80's that is out there. It is one of my personal favorite movies. I wish only the movie wouldn't be that short but still it was directed by George P. Cosmatos who directed Rambo this movie was made right after Rambo: First Blood Part II was released.

Cobra is also a Cannon film and one of the best action horror thrillers that is out there. Cobra simply rocks! And it is a highly entertaining underrated action flick that guarantees the viewer a great show. Cobra is another one of those movies. It's not deep, it has a social message but doesn't really care about it. Its just pure old fun. The night slasher kills people randomly. He targets anyone, anywhere. The police don't have a clue, they can't stop him, all they can do is wait for the next death. But that all changes when Ingrid gets a good clear look at the chief of the gang. Yes, it's not one person, it's a group of killers that have set their minds on hunting the weak of society. Now they'll do anything to kill the only witness, the woman that can finish their 'dream' but they didn't count on one man: Marion Cobretti.

The movie plays with the idea that murderers use the system to get away with their crimes. It explores the fear in society, the impotence of the courts and introduces Cobretti, a cop who doesn't care about the law only his justice. Although I don't agree with this I still enjoyed the movie since Stallone didn't spend much time making his point, rather went fast for the action.

YOU'RE THE DISEASE, AND I'M THE CURE!!!!!!!!

Cobra is a 1986 American action film directed by George P. Cosmatos, and written by Sylvester Stallone, who also starred in the title role. The film co-stars Reni Santoni, Brigitte Nielsen and Andrew Robinson. The film received negative reviews, with much criticism focused on the overuse of genre tropes, yet it debuted at the number one spot on the U.S. box office and became a financial success.

The film was loosely based on the novel Fair Game by Paula Gosling, which was later filmed under that title in 1995. However, Stallone's screenplay was originally conceived from ideas he had during pre-production of Beverly Hills Cop, whose screenplay he heavily revised. He had wanted to make Beverly Hills Cop a less comedic and more action-oriented film, which the studio rejected as being far too expensive. When he left that project, Eddie Murphy was brought in to play the lead role

A tough-on-crime street cop must protect the only surviving witness to a strange murderous cult with far reaching plans. The cult and their leader The Night Slasher are killing people all over the town in Los Angeles for believing in their New World so that will the strongest people survived but their is one tough cop that stands in their way and he must protect a surviving witness that cab identify the Slasher. I seriously love this film from the 80'a and I wish there would be more films like this. The Action sequences, the explosion, death scenes are fantastic after Rambo here comes Cobra.

Is one of my best Stallone Action movies beside Tango & Cash (1989), Rambo, Rocky, Cliffhanger, Demolition Man and The Specialist it is one of my favorite action movies of all time! 10/10 Grade: Bad Ass Seal Of Approval

Plot -- Sylvester Stallone plays a rouge cop charged with protecting a young woman (Brigitte Nielsen) against a band of psycho killers. He must also contend with opposition from within the police force, as many of his colleagues find his tactics excessive. But in the end, his only concern is wiping out crime.

Critique -- Judging from the harsh reviews this actioner earned, you'd think it was unredeemably bad, but I admit I kind of enjoyed it. As long as you're not expecting too much, it delivers on a no-brainer level. In fact it's about as good as one can expect from anything Cannon Films did in the eighties. It moves at a good pace, looks slick (groovy lighting) and has a decent car chase. As expected, it's very right-wing, but as long as the occasional speechifying doesn't bother you too much, that kinda adds to its charm as an artifact of its decade. The star has strong screen presence and effectively fills the "badass supercop" role. Brian Thompson, as the psychotic killer, rants and raves as appropriate. Andrew Robinson, as the disapproving detective, is somewhat underused here. "Cobra" makes for a good double bill with "Rambo: First Blood Part II", another overblown Sly spectacle directed by George P. Cosamatos.

Rating: (**1/2) out of four

Released by Cannon Films (thru Warner)

This picture is classic 1980s action at its best and most cliche. My favorite scene is right at the top of the movie. Cobra is in a supermarket, on the trail of a guy who's killing safeway employees for fun. Cobra's in pursuit. He passes a 6-foot display case of Coors light. Stops. Cracks a can. Takes a sip. Tosses it on the floor. Continues in pursuit.

It reminds me of another 80s action flick few will remember called the Punisher with Louis Gossett Junior. Some dufus is carrying pizza into the torture chamber where LGJ is getting it. EXCEPT HE'S NOT GETTING IT, guys. He's already knocked the guy out with a punch and a pressure point maneuver. Then, Gosset neutralizes the pizza guy. But rather than let the pizza, which is all over the floor, go to waste, he kneels down, takes a couple of pieces, bites, then leaves the room as though nothing has happened.

I learned a lot from Cobra and Stallone's character, Marion Cobretti. First, I need to get a "nitro" option on my car so I can go as fast as he did. Second is a great line to reel in the girl, next time you're out on a date and she's using too much catsup on her fries.

"Do you have a lifejacket?" "Why" "To save all the french fries that are drowning."

This movie is a classic for 80s action lovers. I own the DVD and highly recommend it.

It's almost feels like one of those spoof films, making fun of action movies. It's really that bad. Every possible corny line, chase, fight, gun fight, etc... Don't think anyone put much effort or thought into it.

The bad guy is always sweating, the bad cop is obvious, Cobra's bosses don't like him, he keeps his pistol in his waistband. Of course he takes on 30 or 40 bad guys by himself, and doesn't even get a scratch.

His gun never runs out of bullets, the woman in trouble falls for him, his partner always has wisecracks - I could go on and on

If you asked AI to create a typical 80's action movie, it would something like this.

But guess what? I enjoyed it.

This movie has probably had the harshest criticism of any action movie I can remember. It is rarely shown on television and Stallone hardly ever talks about it. All of Stallone's other movies have been released on DVD again and again every year, Cobra has been released maybe once or twice. I wonder why, as I've seen a lot, lot worse than this.

Stallone had just had his biggest year ever at the box office in 1985 with the one-two punch of "Rambo: First Blood Part II" and "Rocky IV." The late George P. Cosmatos, director of "Rambo II", also directed this film and there were high hopes for it. However, it was a critical and box office failure. I don't know why, it's far superior to most other action movies from 1986.

Stallone wrote the script for "Cobra." It's allegedly based on a book by Paula Gosling, but I don't recognize anything from that book in this movie. I think Stallone just took the basic premise of a cop protecting a woman and going on the run with her. The serial killer aspect is entirely Stallone's and doesn't feature in the book.

The main problem with the film is that it apes "Dirty Harry" too much from its rule-bending cop on the trail of a vicious killer, right down to casting Andy Robinson and Reni Santoni from Eastwood's movie in it. It's even made by the same studio - Warner Brothers. Having said that, "Cobra" is better than most of the "Dirty Harry" sequels (It's certainly better than "The Enforcer" and "The Dead Pool.") It also has the coolest poster of any of Stallone's movies (Stallone looks like he's auditioning for Arnold's role in "The Terminator" on the DVD cover!)

Perhaps one reason people don't like this film is that they take exception to the casting of Stallone's then-wife, Brigitte Nielsen as the heroine.

There are also some laughable "tough guy" moments (delivered seriously) like when Stallone rips a guy's vest and tells him he's bad for his health. Perhaps Stallone was believing his own press at that stage and he was getting too big for his boots after dominating the box office the year before.

The photography by Ric Waite is excellent if a little too MTV. The score by Sylvester Levay is also good, you wonder why he never did more movie music.

If you like Stallone and you like action movies, you'll like this. It's a perfectly agreeable time-waster.

This time Sylvester Stallone is against a bunch of ax wielding serial killers, with nylons over their faces, who terrorize the LA nights…

When a fashion model happens to see the ugly face of a sadistic psychopath (Brian Thompson), Ingrid (Brigitte Nielsen) becomes the main target of the secret "New World" society stopping at nothing to slain her…

Lieutenant Marion Cobretti (Stallone), in his gun metal-gray classic Mercury, and armed with guns, knives, grenades, and firearms, is assigned to protect the statuesque blonde…

The movie is too violent and too bloody and contains one of the most interesting car chase sequences ever filmed

"You gotta have faith," a cop played by Sylvester Stallone tells a fearful woman he is guarding. Not only is he stealing George Michael's lyrics, Sly is also pinching his wardrobe: Black leather gloves and matching jacket, tight jeans, boots, reflective sunglasses and chin stubble. What Lt. Marion Cobretti is doing on witness protection detail while he could be cruising men's rooms is beyond me.

"Cobra" is a very '80s film, sort of a stupid cousin to the many "Dirty Harry" wannabes being pumped out at the time. The plot is ridiculous even by the weak standards of this genre. A gang of axe-wielding psychos are taking out those they view as "weak" in pursuit of a New World Order. Man, you couldn't wake up any morning in the 1980s without hearing about some new gang of serial killers busting out.

At least Lt. Cobretti is on the job. Better known as "Cobra" or "the Cobra," he carries a special pistol with a cobra head illustration on the handle stock, not to mention an attitude, "just a little one," as he himself admits. Machine guns, grenades, all are found in his tool box, but he keeps a matchstick in his mouth instead of a cigarette, so kids won't get bad ideas.

The killer gang doesn't seem all that subtle, attacking one waitress inside her car on a city street. Yet they carefully guard their privacy to the point that when their facially-deformed leader is glancingly spotted in the act by a model played by Brigitte Nielsen, he pulls out all the stops to kill her. Sending his minions out to get whacked by the Cobra, the psycho sneaks into a hospital where she is being looked after. We get shades of "Halloween II" as she runs for her life through deserted corridors. You'd think he'd give up, especially as he risks being spotted by others trying to kill this one witness, but no, this guy continues after her through the movie, Ahab in a stocking mask.

Yes, indeed, "Cobra" is one stupid film. It's also unpleasant in its stale echoes of reactionary politics, punchy in its attempts at humor, and threadbare in terms of character and motivation. One police supervisor played by Andy Robinson (one of two actors from the cast of "Dirty Harry," Cobra sidekick Reni Santori being the other) whines about Cobra's strong arm tactics, which Cobretti effectively counters by physically assaulting him - twice.

What's good here? The lighting is very effective, giving the film a glitzy sheen very in tune with the time. Though his acting is stiff, Stallone never looked better, which may be why he does so little with his character – too busy vogueing. The cars and equipment are cool to look at, and there are some terrific stunts.

But the stunts are done in service of action scenes that don't work. Cobra fights off human-wave style attacks by dozens of motorcyclists who seem to be competing for the best wipe-out. The big shootout at the end is unbelievably protracted, with Cobra hitting everything he aims at with a snub machine gun while not one of the dozens of shootists firing at him manage much of anything.

"This whole sorry ordeal is some damn sick joke if you ask me," Robinson's police supervisor complains. Actually, "Cobra" isn't played as a joke at all, but very straight, a big part of the problem. One useful aspect of "Cobra" is it gives the lie to the phrase "mindless entertainment." In order to be entertaining, a mind has to be working somewhere. When one isn't, the result is this.

YOU CAN'T TELL ME the first time you saw Stallone do a complete 180 in that pimped out ride, hang that sweet lookin' gun out of the window, and knock off a few caps at the bad guy as he drove in REVERSE (!!) that you didn't get a little tingly in your gut in a good way.

People... I think we need to have a Come-To-Jesus about this movie. I can't believe I actually saw such low approval stats from all age brackets. Lemme just holler and the children of the '80s: what the hell are you thinking? Stallone and Schwartzenegger were bigger than life back then, and there's no love.... Now there's nothing but CGI, bigger explosions, crazier guns, fake boobies, more authentic-looking aliens, all the things I like in movies -- wait a second.

You know, I realize Stallone will never win Best Actor... I realize Stallone will never die, probably, he's always in such damn good shape... and I also realize that his face will never straighten up so he can talk correctly, but there's one thing I do know... I give this movie a 10, and I hope it feels like the giant peanut butter sandwich you just ate without a glass of milk anywhere in sight!

I need a glass of rootbeer... BARTENDER!

I like Cobra. He's a cool, no nonsense cop that kills bad guys. But let's be honest; he and Dirty Harry are one and the same.

What were Dirty Harry's characteristics? A rough around the edges, no nonsense cop that killed bad guys and had a disdain for the laws that helped bad guys go free. That was also Cobra. Cobra was a 1980's version of Dirty Harry.

Switching gears: who knew this movie would be psychic? The movie starts with an active shooter in a grocery store who's shooting for no good reason. That's the last 15 years or so in a nutshell. Just a few days ago we had a gunman at the Gilroy Garlic Festival kill and injure a bunch of people. The biggest difference between the movie shooter and the shooters we have in real life is that the movie shooter was shooting mostly produce, real life shooters aren't shooting produce.

The main story of Cobra was a killer (or killers) randomly attacking and killing women. The killer was dubbed the Night Slasher which I'm sure was a play on the Night Stalker who was active in California from 1984 to 1985. One woman, Ingrid (Brigitte Nielsen), got away from the Night Slasher and had to be protected by none other than Cobra. I know what you're thinking: "the hero got the girl." I contend that she kisses all the guys though so he's not special.

This was a shoot 'em up bang-bang movie working its way towards the inevitable showdown. Cobra gets style points because anyone can shoot but not many can do it while looking cool.

This movie will make you want to die. Horrible film, script insanely bad, performances that are pathetically lame. Not even fun in its horrid incompetence. How did Sly Stallone end up worth a gazillion dollars? You are going to be wondering how he ever got another job after watching 10m of this. And his wife (at the time) can't even play the role of mannequin to which she was so lovingly cast.

The only people who would like this film are the same ones who spent their youth plucking the wings off of flies and squashing tadpoles. Ingesting pesticide, or snorting aerosolized asbestos makes more sense. Hard to make it through. You'll wish you hadn't.