- Ho Chong: And you, Reverend Lady, would care for protection for treasured parts?
- Gloria Tatlock: No, thank you.
- Ho Chong: Your lips and ears, perhaps?
- Gloria Tatlock: Thank you, I said no.
- Ho Chong: Your twin pagodas, maybe?
- Gloria Tatlock: Definitely not!
- Ho Chong: Surely, you want to protect your haven of celestial bliss?
- Gloria Tatlock: How dare you!
- Glendon Wasey: I don't think the haven's in much danger.
- China Doll: You say you wish to help my country. Why should my jewels be used to buy the opium drug, instead of guns?
- Gloria Tatlock: Guns cause pain. Opium eases pain.
- Willie Tuttle: You're cracked, Walter. You're nuts! You'll get us killed over a bunch of flowers!
- Walter Faraday: Not your everyday garden variety, Willie. Take a look!
- Willie Tuttle: That's opium.
- Walter Faraday: You're looking at a thousand dollars worth. The best international currency in the world. Half of the weight of gold. Twice the value.
- "Mr. Burns": Miss Tatlock, I think we've found our man.
- Gloria Tatlock: Mr. Burns, you can't be serious.
- "Mr. Burns": If he can be of help, we'll use the devil himself.
- Glendon Wasey: Look at that.
- [shows him a tattoo outline of a naked lady]
- Glendon Wasey: He didn't even finish the nipples on my little sweetheart.
- Glendon Wasey: There's probably 10,000 rickshaw boys in Shanghai. We're going to need a miracle.
- "Mr. Burns": You forget my calling, Mr. Wasey. I believe in miracles.
- Ho Chong: Like Western companies, I insure those parts of the body deemed most precious by my customers.
- Glendon Wasey: How big a policy we got to buy to find Wu Ch'En She?
- Ho Chong: Here's a fine bargain: the armpits, the genitals and both ankles. Only 40 Shanghai dollars.
- Glendon Wasey: What have you got for 30?
- Ho Chong: For 30 dollars, I could do the armpits, the genitals, and both ankles; but, I could not find Wu Ch'En She!
- Glendon Wasey: Okay, how about, the armpits, the genitals...
- Gloria Tatlock: Mr. Wasey, would you please conclude this transaction.
- Glendon Wasey: All right. We take your 40 dollar policy.
- Glendon Wasey: You're looking for Faraday's flowers?
- Gloria Tatlock: You've heard of them?
- Glendon Wasey: I've also heard of El Dorado and the lost Dutchman's mine. They don't exist either. You're crazy!
- Glendon Wasey: Lunatics? You are worst than lunatics. Two missionaries and a glow-in-the-dark tie salesman do not just stroll up to people and ask if they've seen 1,000 pounds of opium lying around.
- China Doll's Maid: My mistress is well-schooled in such ceremonial acts as the west wind, the wounded tiger, the willow path, the chair, the obedient wife. She has also mastered the six long breath stimulants, the eight shallow penetrations, the nine minor and eleven major positions; as well as, the technique of passive acceptance, forceful dominance, contortion, and mobile union.
- China Doll: A good concubine always paints a whisper of pleasure to come upon her emperor.
- [paints a Chinese symbol on Wasey's chest]
- China Doll: Do you know what this means?
- Glendon Wasey: Horse.
- China Doll: Now you must paint on me. Do you know the symbol of for the whip?
- Glendon Wasey: Whip? I'll try.
- China Doll: Tonight, we shall begin with the whip and the horse.
- Glendon Wasey: Whip? Where are we going to find a whip at this time of night?
- China Doll: Where else? But, at the end of the horse's tail.
- [sitting atop Wasey, swings her long black hair across his naked chest]
- Joe Go: If someone make the switch, Joe Go bet on Faraday.
- [explosion heard]
- Gloria Tatlock: What was that?
- Joe Go: Very hot item. Joe Go call it: Shanghai Surprise.
- Joe Go: Joe Go know fast ball, curve ball, change up, even the elusive screwball. But, what the hell was this wondrous pitch?
- Glendon Wasey: Knuckleball.
- Glendon Wasey: I wish you'd give up this opium business and just go back to saving souls.
- Gloria Tatlock: Mr. Wasey, believe me, I'm not some little lamb who's lost in the woods.
- Glendon Wasey: No, you're not lost in the woods. You're lost in a jungle. Shanghai's the most dangerous city...
- Gloria Tatlock: You deceitful, jelly-spined, backstabbing bastard!
- Glendon Wasey: You didn't learn that in Brookline, Massachusetts.
- Gloria Tatlock: No! I got it from associating with--with pricks like you!
- Glendon Wasey: Perhaps I'll stay around here awhile.
- Gloria Tatlock: And do what?
- Glendon Wasey: I could give being a missionary a try.
- Walter Faraday: There'll be no drinking, no gambling, no whoring. My boy, I've tried it. It's hell on earth.
- [first title card]
- Title Card: Shanghai 1937
- Title Card: The Year of the Japanese Occupation
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