- Officer Judy Hoffs: How many times have you seen this?
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: 122 times... but I don't watch the whole tape. I watch 3.3 seconds. 3.3 seconds that slipped through my fingers. 3.3 seconds where I could've done a thousand different things. But I didn't move. Do you know how many things you can do in 3.3 seconds? You can take off your shoes, pop a beer, and shoot someone in 3.3 seconds.
- Officer Judy Hoffs: Come on, Hanson.
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: You can hold your finger down on the remote control and pass 17 stations in 3.3 seconds. You can open a can of tuna fish, shuffle and bridge a deck of cards, or twist the tops off six bottles of ginger ale in 3.3 seconds.
- Officer Judy Hoffs: Hanson, please!
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: You can ring a doorbell 22 times, lock and unlock a deadbolt four times, or sing the entire alphabet in 3.3 seconds.
- Officer Judy Hoffs: Hanson, please! Please.
- Busdriver: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Where's your bus pass?
- Off. Doug Penhall: [as Doug McQuaid] My dog ate it.
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: [as Tommy McQuaid] I got the same dog.
- Off. Doug Penhall: This guy is the worst burglar I've ever seen. He's drunk.
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: Hammered.
- Off. Doug Penhall: Pickled.
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: To the gills.
- Off. Doug Penhall: [after being awaken in the middle of the night by Hanson] Why didn't you call?
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: You wouldn't have let me in.
- Off. Doug Penhall: I know. Why didn't you call?
- Off. Doug Penhall: They're gonna have fireworks, free hot dogs. Even Sprinkles the clown!
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: Sprinkles? Really?
- Dave, the poet junkie: Save your preach, cop. I reject everything, man. And it's not because I'm unhappy or confused or afraid of reality. See, I can, I can, chew up the nastiest tastes reality has to dish out, man. And if reality serves me up some raw sewage, man - I'll, I'll slurp up a whole toilet-bowl full and call it ambrosia.
- Officer Dennis Booker: You always had a way with words, Dave.
- Off. Doug Penhall: Oh! Oh! You're not supposed to be watching that. Where's the babysitter?
- [Clavo points to the door where Doug hears giggling from inside the bedroom. Doug knocks]
- Off. Doug Penhall: Hey! You've got five seconds to get your clothes on and get out of there before I light your friggin' underwear on fire. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
- [the babysitter and her boyfriend run half-naked out the door]
- Ronnie Seebok: You could end up dead, man...
- [with gun pointed to Hanson's face]
- Off. Tom Hanson #2: Hey Ronnie. The safety's on the left, man. You ought to take it off if you want to threaten somebody.
- Ronnie Seebok: Safety don't work, man. Never did.