- [Sylvia arrives home in her Mercedes with an antique dresser in the open trunk. She honks the horn for Edgar.]
- Sylvia: Edgar! Edgar, I need a hand!
- [Sylvia makes her way to the open trunk. A steaming Edgar appears at the door.]
- Sylvia: Edgar, could you help me with this dresser, please?
- [Edgar makes his way over to Sylvia and Sylvia notices his disheveled look.]
- Sylvia: My, you look a sight! Been trying to catch fish with your teeth?
- Edgar: Been shopping, Sylvia?
- Sylvia: Yes, I've-I've found the cutest little dresser right here in town, after all those trips to the city.
- [Edgar goes over to the dresser and carries it out of the trunk.]
- Sylvia: Be careful with-be careful with that, Ed-Edgar.
- [Edgar lets out a very powerful yell and forcefully slams the dresser down onto the ground, shocking and scaring Sylvia.]
- Sylvia: Edgar!
- Edgar: Get in the house, Sylvia. I wanna talk to you.
- Sylvia: Talk to me? Edgar, what's the matter with you? Edgar?
- [Sylvia is backing away from a seething Edgar. They both make their way into the house with Edgar closing the door behind him.]
- Sylvia: Are you having an attack of something, Edgar? Let me get you a drink.
- Edgar: No, I'm fine. I never felt better.
- Sylvia: Think I'll get something myself.
- [They make their way to Edgar's office, where Sylvia tries to help herself to Edgar's secretly hidden flask of liquor.]
- Edgar: You tried to murder me today, Sylvia.
- Sylvia: Edgar, what in the world are you talking about?
- Edgar: I'm talking about this!
- [Edgar reveals the red wig that Sylvia wore earlier when she tried to shoot him. Confronted, Sylvia confesses.]
- Sylvia: I should've hunted you down, but I forgot how to reload the damn thing, and I panicked.
- Edgar: Oh, a big mistake, baby!
- Sylvia: It's been a long time since you called me baby, Edgar.
- Edgar: Yeah. Well, it's gonna be a long time 'til anybody calls you anything again, except dead!
- [Edgar and Madge have just survived an explosion at Madge's house caused by Sylvia.]
- Madge Evers: Edgar! Edgar, is this deductible?
- [Edgar's first lines]
- Edgar: She'll kill me. She'll put me up on the rack, tear out all my fingernails, and then she'll kill me.
- [Edgar has just unsuccessfully tried to murder Sylvia by releasing a huge hunk of the chimney on her. Sylvia is calling him and Edgar tries to innocently come to her aid.]
- Edgar: What on Earth happened?
- Sylvia: The chimney fell! I was nearly killed! Didn't you hear anything?
- Edgar: No, I was-I was-I was taking a nap. Whew, boy! Are you okay?
- [It's dinner time and Edgar and Sylvia are at the table. This is on the same day when Madge had innocently kissed Edgar earlier. Edgar is cutting rather hard meat very roughly, quickly, and noisily on his plate and Sylvia is reacting to it as usual.]
- Sylvia: Don't eat the pattern off the plate, please, Edgar.
- [Edgar rolls his eyes at Sylvia and carries on with his meal.]
- Sylvia: Tell me, do you stop and kiss every woman in the neighborhood on your way home from work these days?
- Edgar: Madge. Th-that was just um...
- Sylvia: Just what?
- Edgar: Business.
- Sylvia: What kind of business is Madge in? How much does she charge for that?
- Edgar: The kiss was free. She's an artist. Oh, it's just uh, doing her taxes, straightening out her books.
- Sylvia: What kind of an artist?
- Edgar: She um, paints, I believe. Does pottery.
- Sylvia: She fondles wet clay.
- Edgar: I beg your pardon?
- Sylvia: I said, how could you, Edgar?
- Edgar: What, fondle wet clay?
- Sylvia: Have an affair with that horrible woman!
- Edgar: She's not horrible.
- Sylvia: She's an artist, isn't she? We know what that means!
- Edgar: Why, Sylvia! What a filthy mind you have! What a shame you never brought it to bed with you at night!
- Sylvia: I was never frigid with you, Edgar.
- Edgar: No, you were not frigid, Sylvia. Just um, room temperature.
- [Edgar and Sylvia are in bed with each other.]
- Edgar: Sylvia...
- Sylvia: Don't ask me about selling the house again, Edgar. I will never agree. And if you think I'm going to stand idly by while some unwashed mob moves in and ruins the neighborhood, you and Cyril have another think coming.
- Edgar: That's fine. Why don't you raise a million dollars and buy Cyril's house yourself? Then you can have two white elephants, and start a herd.
- Sylvia: Don't underestimate me, Edgar.
- Edgar: Quite impossible, my dear. All right, here's a thought.
- Sylvia: What?
- Edgar: Give me a divorce.
- Sylvia: Edgar!
- Edgar: You don't love me anymore, do you?
- Sylvia: No! Do you blame me?
- Edgar: Absolutely not. I've turned into a henpecked, spineless prune.
- Sylvia: Defense rests!
- Edgar: Fine! I don't love you either! Let's get a divorce!
- Sylvia: No.
- Edgar: Why?
- Sylvia: Edgar, if you can't afford a gardener, you certainly can't afford a divorce.
- Edgar: Yeah, but if we sold the house, Sylvia, we could afford a lot of things, couldn't we?
- Sylvia: A divorce would ruin our standing in the community.
- [Sylvia has just given Edgar his burnt toast. Edgar annoys Sylvia by scraping the char off of it with his butter knife.]
- Sylvia: You know, Edgar, if you didn't burn your toast to a crisp every morning, you wouldn't have to ruin my breakfast by scraping it all over the table like that.
- Edgar: I only do it to ruin your breakfast, dear.
- [Edgar has just finished meeting the "family" that wants to buy his and Cyril's houses.]
- Edgar: Cyril! Cyril, you're not making this easy for me, you know!
- Cyril: What?
- Edgar: You told me you were selling your house to a big family!
- Cyril: They are a family! That's what they call themselves.
- Edgar: Great! Charlie Manson's little bunch was a family too, you know!
- Mrs. McGowan: Mrs. Chalmers wouldn't approve of you blowing the leaves on the neighbor's lawn like that, young man.
- Gardener: It was an accident. I couldn't go over and blow 'em back, that big dog.
- Mrs. McGowan: You'd have fewer accidents with a rake. They don't get so out of hand.
- [It is breakfast time and Edgar and Sylvia are seated at the table. The kettle has just sounded off. Sylvia gets up to check on it while Edgar continues to read the newspaper.]
- Edgar: Would you bring me my toast, Sylvia?
- Sylvia: Do you think it's burned properly yet?
- Edgar: That's the way I like it, dear.
- [while driving along in her Mercedes, a very jealous Sylvia happens to catch Madge innocently kiss Edgar on the lips as her way of thanking him for volunteering to come to her house in order to fix her books so she wouldn't have to cart it all out to his office.]
- Sylvia: That rat! That gutless vermin! That rodent! No. No, no, no, no. Impossible. No. There has to be an innocent explanation. No, that mongrel could not be having an affair with any living human being. It's ridiculous. But if he is, I'll kill him with my bare hands.
- [Edgar and Sylvia are at the table. It's dinner time and unbeknownst to Edgar, Sylvia has riddled the sweet potatoes with rat poison.]
- Edgar: What's this?
- Sylvia: Peas.
- Edgar: Mmm, peas. And this?
- Sylvia: Your favorite, sweet potatoes.
- [Edgar is about to scoop up some sweet potatoes but stops himself at the very last minute.]
- Edgar: You know something, Sylvia. You have served me sweet potatoes once a week for the past, I don't know how many years, and the truth is, I hate sweet potatoes. I have always hated sweet potatoes, and I will never eat sweet potatoes again.
- [Edgar throws the sweet potatoes out of the window, foiling Sylvia's plan to poison him.]
- Sylvia: Edgar!
- Edgar: Pass the rolls, please.
- Sylvia: Edgar, what's gotten into you? You've never done anything like that before! Is that a new jacket you're wearing?
- Edgar: Yes. Yes, it is. I bought it yesterday.
- Sylvia: I can't afford gardeners! I have to fire the maid and you're buying a new wardrobe?
- Edgar: You're buying antiques.
- Sylvia: That is my money! My own antique fund!
- Edgar: Sure, Sylvia. My money is our money and your money is your money! That's just great! Well, now, hear this! I shall buy a new coat whenever I damn well please! I'd buy more clothes tomorrow! I think I shall buy some pants!
- [Sylvia looks at herself in the mirror while humming "The Merry Widow Waltz" before an unharmed Edgar shows up in the reflection, surprising Sylvia, who had tried to kill him and Madge earlier by exploding Madge's house.]
- Sylvia: Cyril accused me of poisoning his dog!
- Edgar: Did you?
- Sylvia: Of course not!
- Edgar: You should have. He's a miserable mutt.
- Sylvia: Something's changed about you, Edgar. You're different.
- Edgar: Unfortunately, Sylvia, you're not.
- Cyril: Sylvia!
- Sylvia: Oh, Cyril, how are you?
- Cyril: I could be better! Can we talk?
- Sylvia: Oh, of course. Come in. Is something wrong, Cyril?
- Cyril: Sylvia, someone poisoned Winston!
- Sylvia: No!
- Cyril: Why did you shoot at my dog last week?
- Sylvia: You think I poisoned your dog?
- Cyril: I have to say you are a prime suspect!
- Sylvia: Cyril, I could never poison an innocent... stupid, disgusting creature like your dog!
- [Big Bertha's description of the rifle that Sylvia later uses to try and kill Edgar.]
- Big Bertha: Ah, well! You can't get any simpler than this. This is state-of-the-art stupid. Throw this switch. At the end of the scope, it's got a laser beam. Put that dot on the target, pull the trigger, and you're an instant killer.
- Waitress: Something to drink, honey, or are you just cruising for customers?
- Sylvia: Do you sell white wine by the glass?
- Waitress: Sure. Not too many want to spring for the whole five-gallon jug.
- Sylvia: That man at the bar. Give him a drink and tell him I want to talk to him, please?
- Waitress: Sure, sister! Say, where'd you heist the wig, Old MacDonald?
- Edgar: You know, once upon a time, we uh, we had something; something other than this house. Do you remember what it was?
- Sylvia: Vaguely, but I can't find the word for it just now.
- Edgar: It couldn't have been love. Love couldn't possibly have turned into this.
- Sylvia: I think it was. So much for love.
- Nokes: Too many broads buy me drinks. What's on your mind, babe?
- Sylvia: Sit down, Mr. Nokes. I may have a proposition for you.
- Nokes: Yeah, well, I get all of that I need at home. I'm a married man, babe. How'd you know my name?
- Sylvia: I was just in court. I saw them dismiss your case.
- [Nokes takes a seat.]
- Nokes: So?
- Sylvia: Quite a list of crimes you've amassed, Mr. Nokes.
- [Nokes laughs.]
- Nokes: Yeah, not too bad even if I do say so myself.
- Sylvia: Ever try murder?
- Nokes: Killing is uh, not my uh, racket, Miss uh, Miss uh...
- Sylvia: Smith.
- Nokes: Sure, "Smith." Right.
- Sylvia: Could you find a killer for me, Mr. Nokes?
- Nokes: Killing cost money, Miss "Smith."
- Sylvia: I have several thousand dollars I can spend for the right man.
- Nokes: Who gets it in the neck?
- Sylvia: Pardon?
- Nokes: Who gets hit?
- Sylvia: My husband.
- Nokes: Oh. You got a good reason, I guess.
- [Nokes is about to drink the drink that Sylvia bought for him.]
- Sylvia: He scrapes his toast.
- [Nokes gets so startled over what Sylvia had just said that he can't even begin to swallow down the drink Sylvia bought for him.]
- Nokes: Yeah.
- [Edgar daydreams of killing Sylvia during a party she and he are hosting at their house.]
- Edgar: Sylvia! Sylvia, I'm gonna ask you only once.
- Sylvia: What, Edgar?
- Edgar: Will you sell this house and move to the Caribbean with me or not?
- Sylvia: Edgar, this house has been here since the 18th century! As a daughter of the American Revolution, I feel that it has been entrusted to my care! I will care for it until the day that I die!
- Edgar: In that case, my dear, you may consider your responsibility complete.
- [Edgar pulls out a gun and shoots Sylvia in the head in front of a very shocked party of guests and staff.]