- Uncle Mike: Once upon a time, there was a little girl named "Rachel." Actually, she wasn't all that little. She was a hot-looking high school senior with deep blue eyes, and fine, firm breasts and...
- Little Brian: That's not the way Mommy tells it!
- Uncle Mike: Shut up, that's the way I tell it.
- Goldi Lox: Hi, my name is Goldi. Actually, it's Golda. I was born during the Six-Day War.
- Judith "MaMa" Baer: Isn't she sweet, Papa? She'll be like the daughter we never had.
- Goldi Lox: And you'll be like the parents I brutally slaughtered!
- Lt. Jack B. Nimble: With all this permissive sex, and recreational violence, it's no wonder this country is in the mess it's in. I mean, it's like the old saying: when you lay down with dogs, you get up with puppies!
- Beresford 'Papa' Baer: Just where are we going anyway?
- Judith 'MaMa' Baer: You remember that nice little house we used to live in? I think it's vacant now
- Beresford 'Papa' Baer: Oh yeah... the one in Amityville!