- Aunt Bea: [to a passing construction worker who has grabbed her behind] You Homo sapien scum!
- Richard P. Applegate: Excuse me?
- Aunt Bea: Nah, nothing nothing, it's just uh, some asshole tried to rape me.
- Jane Applegate: [to Johnny] If you don't eat your dinner, you can't have dessert.
- Richard P. Applegate: Did someone say dessert?
- Jane Applegate: I happened to find a pile of rancid trash in the dumpster behind the 7-11.
- Richard P. Applegate: It's imperative that we maintain a believable cover while I infiltrate and sabotage the nucular power plant.
- Johnny Applegate: It's "nuclear," Dad.
- Richard P. Applegate: Lesson number one: Most people say "nucular." Next time, get it right.
- Greg Samson: Let me add that if I catch the kidnapper of my poor son, I'll offer him Christian forgiveness. Then I'll skin his honkers and use 'em for shammy cloths.
- Greg Samson: Morning, Jane. Say what's this your daughter's been saying about Vince and some homo in Akron?