- Earl Bassett: Damn it, listen to me. I'm older and wiser.
- Valentine McKee: Yeah, well you're half right.
- Valentine McKee: Roger that Burt, and congratulations. Be advised, however, that there are two more, repeat, two more motherhumpers.
- Earl Bassett: Is this a job for an intelligent man?
- Valentine McKee: Well, show me one and I'll ask him.
- [trapped on top of a boulder by a Graboid, Val, Earl, and Rhonda are thinking of explanations for where the creatures came from]
- Valentine McKee: [joking] They're mutations caused by radiation. No, wait; the government made 'em. *Big* surprise for the Russians.
- Rhonda LeBeck: Well, there's nothing like them in the fossil record, I know that for sure. Okay, so they predate the fossil record. But that'd make them a couple of billion years old... and we've just never seen one until now. Right.
- Earl Bassett: I vote for outer space. No way these are local boys.
- [Burt Gummer, with his wife Heather at his side, berates the dead monster fought off with their "family arsenal"]
- Burt Gummer: Broke into the wrong goddamn rec room, didn't ya you bastard!
- [Burt Gummer looks at his bomb shelter for perhaps the last time]
- Burt Gummer: Food for five years, a thousand gallons of gas, air filtration, water filtration, Geiger counter. Bomb shelter! Underground... God damn monsters.
- [Burt cuts off a piece of fuse for a bomb for Earl]
- Earl Bassett: What kind of fuse is that?
- Burt Gummer: Cannon fuse.
- Earl Bassett: What the hell do you use it for?
- Burt Gummer: My cannon.
- Earl Bassett: Hey, Rhonda you ever seen anything like this before?
- Valentine McKee: Oh, sure Earl. Everyone knows about them, we just didn't tell you!
- Valentine McKee: What the hell's in those things, Burt?
- Burt Gummer: A few household chemicals in the proper proportions.
- Burt Gummer: [handing out weapons and refusing to give Melvin one] I wouldn't give you a gun if it were World War 3.
- Earl Bassett: Damn it Valentine, you never plan ahead, you never take the long view, I mean here it is Monday and I'm already thinking of Wednesday... It is Monday right?
- Earl Bassett: Dammit, Valentine! You never go for any girl unless she fits that stupid list of yours from top to bottom.
- Valentine McKee: Well, sure.
- Earl Bassett: Yeah, and it's dumber than my hind end! Like that Bobbie Lynn Dexter.
- Valentine McKee: Tammy Lynn Baxter!
- Earl Bassett: Doesn't matter. They're all the same: dead weight. "Ooh, I broke a nail!" Ugh! Makes my skin crawl.
- Valentine McKee: Yeah, well, I'm a victim of circumstance.
- Earl Bassett: I thought you called it your pecker.
- [Earl Bassett and Valentine McKee are about to meet Rhonda LeBeck. Valentine McKee pictures her]
- Valentine McKee: You will have long blonde hair, big green eyes, world class breasts, ass that won't quit and legs that go all the way up.
- Rhonda LeBeck: I think I have a plan. What if we throw a bomb that way, the way we want to go? Then when it goes off, I mean, if it scares them away, we run like goddamn bastards!... Pardon my French.
- Melvin Plug: But what if they don't get scared, what if they don't run?
- Rhonda LeBeck: I don't think it *does* scare them, it *hurts* them! They're so sensitive to sound, they *gotta* run!
- Earl Bassett: You little asswipe! You don't knock it off you're gonna be shittin' this basketball... pardon my French!
- Earl Bassett: No way those things can outrun these horses!
- Valentine McKee: Yeah, well, for all you know, they can fly.
- [Monster slams into a concrete retaining wall]
- Earl Bassett: Stupid son-of-a-bitch, knocked itself cold!
- Valentine McKee: Cold my ass. He's dead! We killed it. We killed it! FUCK! YOU!
- Rhonda LeBeck: Hey guys. What's going on? Hey, did you notice anything weird just now? I mean, it just hap-
- [she notices the dead monster]
- Rhonda LeBeck: ... What's that?
- [Earl Bassett and Valentine McKee have just been chased by a 30 foot long monster]
- Rhonda LeBeck: Hey guys. What's goin' on? Hey, did you notice anything weird a minute ago?
- Rhonda LeBeck: They only respond to vibration, right? Couldn't we... distract them somehow?
- Valentine McKee: Yeah, something to keep 'em busy, like a... like a decoy!
- Miguel: Hey Melvin... wanna make a buck?
- Melvin Plug: [Flips him the bird] Eh, eat it!
- Earl Bassett: No breakfast?
- Valentine McKee: I did it yesterday. It was baloney and beans.
- Earl Bassett: No, it was eggs. I made eggs. Over easy.
- Valentine McKee: The hell you did! Baloney and beans. It's your turn!
- [They go through a quick game of paper-rock-scissors, which Valentine loses]
- Valentine McKee: Well, I guess when I'm your age, I'll forget what I eat, too.
- Valentine McKee: [hearing music from below ground] So where the hell's that goddamn golden oldie comin' from?
- [as the graboid feels at the building]
- Valentine McKee: What's it doing, Rhonda?
- Rhonda LeBeck: Why do you keep asking me?
- Earl Bassett: [Valentine has just freed the truck from a hangup, after a struggle] Y'know, that's a good way to break an axle.
- Valentine McKee: Could you shut up?
- Earl Bassett: Hey, I don't need to spend the night out here!
- Valentine McKee: [long pause] Crybaby.
- Earl Bassett: We gotta run. We've got a schedule to keep.
- Valentine McKee: Yeah. See, we plan ahead, that way we don't do anything right now. Earl explained it to me.
- Earl Bassett: They must be long gone by now.
- Valentine McKee: Yeah. Hey, why don't you go take a little stroll and find out?
- Burt Gummer: We got the cliffs to the north, mountains to the east and the west. That's why Heather and me settled here in the first place. Geographic isolation.
- Rhonda LeBeck: No, you don't understand, these creatures are absolutely unprecedented.
- Nestor: Yeah, but where do they come from?
- Melvin Plug: Burt, you asshole! There's no bullets in this gun!
- Burt Gummer: Got you moving, didn't it?
- Valentine McKee: "We gotta do somethin'." I don't know why "we" always has to be me every damn time. We, we, we. What do I look like, an expert in worm?
- Walter Chang: That's what I like... Graboids. That's it, Graboids!
- Earl Bassett: Jesus, Walter.
- Walter Chang: You're gonna be sorry if you don't give it a name.
- Heather Gummer: You didn't get penetration even with the elephant gun?
- Burt Gummer: Shit!
- Heather Gummer: Good Lord.
- Earl Bassett: You suppose he wanted to kill himself?
- Valentine McKee: Come on, somebody must'a chased him up there.
- Earl Bassett: You mean someone that ain't scared of a Winchester rifle? Then what'd they do? Camp out down below and wait for him to die?
- Valentine McKee: STAMPEDE! Stampede, Earl! Get out of the way, get out of the way!
- Earl Bassett: [waking up] You dumb shit. I was in a stampede once. Five hundred head, all hell-bent for the horizon.
- Valentine McKee: Now, exactly how many cattle are required for a stampede, Earl? Is it three or more? Is there a minimum to 'pede?
- Earl Bassett: I wish they'd stampede up your ass.
- Valentine McKee: We can't hold still long! These things are damn smart! They're getting smarter by the minute!
- Burt Gummer: That's fine!
- [Holds up a stick of dynamite]
- Burt Gummer: We got some new things to teach 'em!
- [Melvin has a Graboid snake tongue wrapped around his neck]
- Melvin Plug: [screams] It's got me! It's got me!
- [Melvin bursts into laughter. Everyone realizes he was playing a joke]
- Walter Chang: Melvin!
- Burt Gummer: Damn it, Melvin!
- [gets in Melvin's face and Melvin stops laughing]
- Burt Gummer: You came that close, too close. No more games.
- Earl Bassett: Melvin, one of these days, somebody's gonna kick your ass.
- Earl Bassett: Well, there sure as hell ain't nothing to stop us now... everybody we know between here and Bixbe's already dead.
- Earl Bassett: What're you bringin' that vacuum cleaner for?
- Valentine McKee: I like this vacuum cleaner.
- Earl Bassett: Y'never use it.
- Valentine McKee: Well, it's good for parts.