- Jean-Luc: What do you think?
- Carol Foster Lambert: I think you look like Barbara Eden from "I Dream Of Jeannie."
- Jean-Luc: Well, I think you look like Chrissy from "Three's Company"!
- Frank Lambert: [sitting on the armchair doing a crossword puzzle] A city in Texas, 6 letters?
- Carol Foster Lambert: Well, Frank--D-A-L-L-A-S !
- [Most of the family is sick]
- Frank Lambert: Cody, where's J.T.?
- Cody Lambert: He's in the bathroom tossing his cookies. He's doing the technicolor yawn! He's driving the porcelain bus! He's calling RALPH on the big white phone. I tell you, this family's having a major hurl-fest!
- Carol Foster Lambert: Frank, don't you want another child?
- Frank Lambert: Carol, I don't want more, I want less. I'd trade two of them in for golf clubs.
- Al Lambert: Who's she?
- Mark Foster: Only the hottest chick in the eighth grade.
- Al Lambert: Then why on earth would she want to go out with a geek like you?
- Steve Urkel: Hi, Al. I heard about you and Roger. You know, you shouldn't let it bother you.
- Al Lambert: Here we go again. I am sick of getting advice about being dumped from people who have never been dumped.
- Steve Urkel: [long pause] Are you kidding? Why, being dumped is my career! If there was a 'Being Dumped' Hall of Fame, I'd be elected on the first ballot.
- J.T: This stinks. In 20 years, I'm not gonna need algebra!
- Frank Lambert: You will if you're still in high school.
- Dana Foster: Lose the Elton John shoes.
- Rich Halke: But they're really working for me.
- Dana Foster: No, they're really, really not.