Just when I thought I'd seen it all. Hijinx ensue when an ancient Chinese vampire meets up with the isolated tribe of bushmen from 'The Gods Must Be Crazy.' Ha ha ha ha.... Oh this movie is painful.
(I'm attempting to write this with a straight face) We open at "An auction house in England" where Christie's (?) is auctioning off an ancient Chinese vampire. They begin the bidding with an introduction film explaining how the Chinese vampire differs from the European vampire. Let me guess, he's hungry only an hour after he feeds?
The prize goes to two Chinamen who say they need to return the vampire to their "village" in Hong Kong. "Village" in the third most densely populated city in the world? Maybe it's like Manhattan's Village?
Anyway the vampire hops around like Super Mario several feet into the air with his hands out. Get used to that, 90% of this film is done Benny Hill style.
The three step outside into Mardri Gras. I'm NOT kidding. Mardi Gras in London! They explain it's "Halloween." So the British celebrate Halloween not by tick or treating but by dressing up in beads and dancing in the streets?
Next they're attacked by three American muggers whom the vampire scares off. I would like to state at this time we're only SIX MINUTES into the movie and it's all down hill from here! (yes, it gets worse... a lot worse)
Next we see them flying in a twin engine propeller plane back to Hong Kong via Africa. Again, only SIX MINUTES into this movie!
Down bellow we see Nixau from the first two films getting into scuffles with Zulus and two Westerners clearly meant to portray Indiana Jones and Willie Scott. SERIOUSLY! Willie even keeps saying, "Diamonds?"
Above the pilot says they're going down and dumps their load of Coke bottles being shipped with the Chinese vampire. So the reenactment of the Coke bottle falling from an airplane in the first film is done to the extreme with dozens of Coke bottles falling from the sky and hitting everyone exactly on the head.
There are also cases of Coke cans. When the bushmen examine them a tribe elder throws it on the camp fire in disgust... and it explodes! So Coke is flammable? Or is he like Master Shake from 'Aqua Teen Hunger Force' where EVERYTHING thrown to the ground explodes?
The two Chinamen parachute out and must make their way across the African wilderness in search of the vampire. First they're chased by a rhino. But unlike a real rhino in the original film we get two actors in a rubber rhino suit. Think Jim Carey's rhino suit from 'Ace Ventura II.'
Fortunately they find a faster way to travel via riding on an ostrich. This is when John Williams' theme to 'E.T.' kicks in. NOT kidding! This isn't first famous film score this movie steals from.
At this time I'd like to state we are only THIRTY FIVE MINUTES into the movie! There's so much more to come.
The vampire has predictably ended up with Nixau's tribe where the children love playing with the vampire, making him jump all around the village. This is all done Benny Hill style. But instead of Slim Pickens we get Danny Elfman's theme to 'Peewee's Big Adventure.' Again, NOT kidding about these stolen themes.
Eventually the Chinese find the bushmen village, but the Zulus attack again! And to defeat the vampire they have their own undead weapon, a seven foot zombie whom roars like King Kong. Again, NOT kidding! They actually use the 'King Kong' sound FX from the 1976 remake!
The Chinese fight back by conjuring the soul of Bruce Lee and putting him into Nixau (I can't believe I just typed that) By now you should know I'm not kidding. At this point in the movie a Chinese magician conjuring the soul of Bruce Lee an putting it into Nixau the bushman isn't surprising.
Yes, Nixau fights off the Zulus like Bruce Lee, yelps and all while the 'Enter the Dragon' theme plays.
A helicopter picks up the Chinese and Nixau and his bushmen are left behind trying to use ancient Chinese magic to create their own vampire. That's the closing shot.
Well that was certainly something which was filmed.
Is it worth seeing? Well, try to imagine 'Big Trouble In Little China' meets 'The Gods Must Be Crazy' directed by Benny Hill... except not funny.
And don't forget... there's a part 4 as well!!! This time Nixau teams up with a talking chimpanzee and gets involved with rival Triads. Apply razor to wrists.
The closing credits do credit the use of the 'Enter the Dragon' theme but NOT Danny Elfman or John Williams! They shall be avenged!
