- Darwin Mayflower: I'll kill your friends, your family, and the bitch you took to the prom!
- Hudson Hawk: Betty Jo Biarski? I can get you an address on that, if you want.
- Anna: [after Hawk learns she is a nun] It doesn't mean I don't love you.
- Hudson Hawk: Oh, no! You love me! It's your *job*! You probably love Butterfinger over there.
- Anna: Well, yeah, in a weird sort of Catholic way, I do.
- Hudson Hawk: If the Mario brothers weren't New Jersey's third-largest crime family, I'd say, "Kiss my ass." But considering your status, I will say, "Slurp my butt."
- [Tommy Five-Tone is miraculously alive at the end of the film]
- Hudson Hawk: You're supposed to be all cracked up at the bottom of the hill!
- Tommy Five-Tone: Airbags! Can you fucking believe it?
- Anna: You're supposed to be blown up into fiery chunks of flesh!
- Tommy Five-Tone: Sprinkler system set up in the back! Can you *fucking* believe it?
- Hudson Hawk: Hey, this doesn't taste like cappuccino.
- Anna: Oh. I guess I put too much ethyl chloride in it.
- Tommy Five-Tone: Did I miss anything?
- Hudson Hawk: Gates tries to blackmail me, you ask me "Did I miss anything." Gates gets killed, you say "Did I miss anything." I bet you went up to Mrs. Lincoln at the Ford Theatre and said "How was the show? Did I miss anything?"
- Waiter: I am the waiter, sir.
- Hudson Hawk: Oh. Very nice. Fettucini con fungi porcinni. Prego. Oh, and bring me a bottle of ketchup, will ya?
- Anna: You heard him.
- Waiter: Ketchup! Ketchup! Stupid Americanos, always ketchup...
- Darwin Mayflower: [about his disappointing henchmen] I suppose we're just going to have to kill them.
- [Before Igg and Ook can object, Minerva raises a pistol and shoots each of them in the head]
- Igg: Igg!
- Ook: Ook!
- [They fall down dead]
- Darwin Mayflower: God, Minerva! I was just joking!
- [They laugh hysterically]
- Anna: [drugged] I'm not a very good damsel in a dress, am I?
- [manly voice]
- Anna: You MUST pay the rent!
- [girly voice]
- Anna: But I CAN'T pay the rent!
- [makes more dolphin noises]
- Anna: Eeeee-eeee-eee-eeeeeee!
- Darwin Mayflower: Yo, Flipper! "Damsel in distress" implies that there is some well-hung Dudley Do-Right galloping up to save you. It ain't gonna happen, see? Hudson Hawk go boom-boom. He dead.
- [George and his entire gang laugh when they reveal to Hudson that Anna is a nun]
- Hudson Hawk: Those better be tears you're crying, Tommy.
- Tommy Five-Tone: [laughing and trying not to show it] They are!
- Hudson Hawk: Will you play Nintendo with me?
- Anna: I can't think of anyone I'd rather play Nintendo with.
- Darwin Mayflower: Listen, Hawk, this might be hard to believe, but I'm just a regular Joe. I just want to be happy. And happiness comes from the achievement of goals. It's just that when you've made your first billion by the age of nineteen, it's hard to keep coming up with new ones. But now, finally, I've got myself a new goal... World domination!
- Darwin Mayflower: The last ingredient in the recipe is Da Vinci's model of a helicopter...
- Minerva Mayflower: ...on display for three days only at the Louvre in Paris.
- Hudson Hawk: As opposed to the Louvre in Wisconsin?
- Darwin Mayflower: Shut up, you're going to make me lose my place!
- [to a waiter at a classy restaurant in Rome]
- Butterfinger: C'mon, Pierre! Read my lips: steak burger! French Fries? This is France, you gotta have French Fries.
- Almond Joy: Actually, it's Italy, Butterfinger... she said, as if it made a difference.
- Butterfinger: Ah, to be in "Paree" and in love!
- Darwin Mayflower: History, tradition, culture... are not concepts! These are trophies I keep in my den as paperweights! The chaos we will cause with this machine will be our final masterpiece!
- [first lines]
- Narrator: Long ago, the Duke of Milan commissioned a little known artist to erect a Mammoth statue of a horse. The time was 1481... The artist was Leonardo da Vinci... The guy on the donkey's just a guy on a donkey.
- [Hawk has just decapitated a villain]
- Hudson Hawk: Looks like you won't be attending that hat convention in July.
- Darwin Mayflower: So, Hawkmeister. We've got you clothes, a great hotel and a 250,000 lira per diem.
- Minerva Mayflower: That's 200 dollars a day. So he can get a hooker and some tequila? Veto, Darwin!
- Hudson Hawk: I guess we see who wears the penis in this family.
- Darwin Mayflower: If Da Vinci was alive today, he'd be eating microwave sushi, naked, in the back of a Cadillac with the both of us.
- Anna: In one day - less than one day of planning, and you did it. You started the week by stealing the Sforza and ended by swiping the Codex. What are your plans for the weekend? Hoisting away the Coliseum? Tell me, did the Devil make you do it, or did Darwin and Minerva Mayflower?
- Hudson Hawk: Can't we just go back to the kissing part?
- [last lines]
- Narrator: With the world saved and the secrets of Da Vinci protected, Eddie finally got his coffee.
- Tommy Five-Tone: That doughnut-hole-eating, son-of-a-bitch, take-it-in-the-ear-for-a-beer, rat bastard!
- Hudson Hawk: [after throwing Butterfinger head first into the phone booth] Want a little more, Jumbo? I'll kick your big flabby ass!
- George Kaplan: Impressive, Hawk. Enjoying Italy?
- Hudson Hawk: [rubs his chin after being hit in the face] Yeah.
- George Kaplan: Yes, I have always had a soft spot in my heart for Rome. I did my first bare-handed strangulation here. Communist politician.
- Hudson Hawk: Why George, you big softie.
- George Kaplan: God, I miss Communisim. The Red Threat, people were scared... the agency had some respect, and I got laid every night. Snickers, brief him.
- Snickers: Good news Hawk, the Mayflowers have moved up the timetable, you're hitting the Vatican tonight.
- Hudson Hawk: Oh no! No no, hold on, no way! The timing is off, I'm underequipped, and besides that, I've got a date.
- Almond Joy: [grabs Hudson's list and reads it] Grapple, biker's bottle, pocket fisherman, olive oil, 100 stamps? Gee stud, this's going to be some date! No Harvey's Bristol Cream?
- George Kaplan: Snickers, make that list happen. Oh, and Hawk, it's one thing to mess with the Mayflowers, but we're sore losers. We blow up space shuttles for breakfast. You and your friend Tommy are nothing more than... a late afternoon Triscuit. Ciao.
- [He and Snickers walk away]
- Hudson Hawk: Hey! Old man! Yeah, you! You come back here without your little Cub Scout army, and I'll kick your Centrally-Intelligent Ass up one side of the piazza and down the other!
- [Kit Kat has been standing behind him, mimicking his tirade. Hawk finishes, and elbows Kit Kat in the face. Kit Kat hands Hawk a card]
- Hudson Hawk: [reading] "Beware the blue wire."
- [Hawk looks up and does a double take to see Kit Kat has disappeared, and Butterfinger handing him 100 stamps]
- Butterfinger: Hey Mr. Hawk, I got your stamps.
- Hudson Hawk: [imitating BooBoo] Good, Yogi.
- George Kaplan: My employer wants a meeting.
- Hudson Hawk: Your employer? The President?
- George Kaplan: No, somebody powerful.
- [looks over Hawk's shoulder]
- George Kaplan: Good God! What's that?
- Hudson Hawk: [laughs] Now, George, you don't really expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?
- George Kaplan: [chuckles] Shucks, I guess not.
- [punches Hawk unconscious]
- Tommy Five-Tone: [to Hawk] You know they invented something while you were inside? It's called a watch.
- [Anna, Tommy and Hudson Hawk are passing by the Forum Romanum]
- Hudson Hawk: Why do they leave all these rocks and shit lying around in the back yard?
- Tommy Five-Tone: They're called ruins, Eddie.
- Hudson Hawk: Ruins, huh? That's a good name for 'em.
- [Kit Kat rappels down next to Hawk and holds an index card in front of his face, on which is written: "MY NAME IS KIT KAT. THIS IS NOT A DREAM." Then he chops Hawk on the back of the neck and walks off. Next, Snickers appears and shocks Hawk with a taser]
- Hudson Hawk: OW! What the fuck is the matter with you?
- Snickers: Name's Snickers. Your plane leaves in forty.
- [He walks off. A crate falls open and a woman appears]
- Almond Joy: Almond Joy. Get it? Candy bars. It's better than when we first started out, our code names were diseases. Do you know what it's like being called Chlamydia for a year? Whoops, forgot.
- [She backfists Hawk in the face and walks off. Then a huge man steps out of a port-o-potty, catches his jacket in the door and tips the port-o-potty over trying to get free]
- Butterfinger: The name's Butterfinger.
- Hudson Hawk: No shit.
- George Kaplan: [appears] Do you like the Company's new look? I call them the MTV-IA.
- Almond Joy: George, you promised: no old CIA/new CIA jokes.
- George Kaplan: Punks. They think that the Bay of Pigs is an herbal tea and that the Cold War has something to do with Penguins.
- Hudson Hawk: Don't I know you?
- George Kaplan: The last time you saw me, I was bald, with a beard and no mustache, and I had a different nose. So if you don't recognize me, I won't be offended.
- Hudson Hawk: My high school science teacher?
- George Kaplan: [laughs] I'm the guy who tricked you into robbing the government installation, and then had you sent to prison for it.
- Hudson Hawk: George Kaplan.
- [Hawk rushes toward him to strangle him, and is instantly surrounded by guns]
- Hudson Hawk: Ha-ha... I'm not the type to hold a grudge, George.
- Hudson Hawk: Is looking like a constipated warthog a prerequisite for getting a job in the art world?
- Darwin Mayflower: Money isn't everything - gold is. Fuck T-bills! Fuck blue chip stocks! Fuck junk bonds! We've got the real deal! Money will always be paper, but gold will always be GOLD!
- [to the two museum guards who wanted to catch Hawk and Five-Tone and fell]
- Big Stan: Get up, you're embarrassing me!
- Darwin Mayflower: Waldo, 100 million clams! Yes!
- Auctioneer: That's 100 millon dollars to Mr. Darwin Mayflower.
- Minerva Mayflower: 100 million and one, Waldo!
- Auctioneer: Fantastic! 100 million dollars and one.
- Darwin Mayflower: Outbid by mine own wench! Quelle bummere!
- Minerva Mayflower: Don't hate me baby!
- [looking down from the roof of the auction house when escaping the guard]
- Hudson Hawk: I can't tell you how happy I am that we covered our tracks.
- Tommy Five-Tone: I hated cigarettes until I saw my first NO SMOKING sign. Keep off the grass? Let's play soccer. The law I cared for was friendship. I broke that one too, didn't I.
- Hudson Hawk: They had the worst ketchup when I was in prison.
- [freezes, realizing his slip]
- Anna: Prison?
- Hudson Hawk: [struggling] ... I was the warden...?
- Anna: Wow. You were... in the joint. Doing... hard time. You know, it's funny, but that excites me. I seem to have a thing for sinners.
- Hudson Hawk: Well, I seem to have a thing for sinning.
- [to waiter]
- Hudson Hawk: Check please.