- Danny: [Danny has just scored a date with Theresa and runs into some funeral attendees] Yeah! Oh... sorry... but I just got lucky in there with a girl.
- [funeral attendees look shocked]
- Danny: Not in that way... she does everybody in there... not in that way. But she probably did that guy there... I gotta go.
- Danny: [to save time, Danny and Sal decide to transport a corpse out a sixth floor window via a fire hose but the hose turns out to be too short] I guess we have to bring him back up.
- Salvatore Buonarte: I'm not bringing him back up here, he's too damn heavy!
- Danny: Well, what do you suggest we do?
- Salvatore Buonarte: Cut the hose.
- Danny: [shocked] Cut the hose?
- Salvatore Buonarte: Yeah, let him fall.
- Danny: To the ground?
- Salvatore Buonarte: Yeah!
- Danny: A fall like that could kill a guy!
- Salvatore Buonarte: He's dead for Chrissake! He's not gonna mind!
- Rose: I was right. I still stand by what I said.
- Danny: You called dad's bosses filthy Jew shylocks!
- Rose: They never gave him a raise. Not in 12 years. Not one Christmas bonus.
- Danny: Ma, the vice president of Florsheim and his wife were Jewish!
- Rose: Well, how was I supposed to know? They didn't look Jewish. I wasn't talking about them. They took it personal.
- Danny: You lost the account for him! $450,000 to the company! He's lucky he didn't lose his job!
- Rose: Your father *never* stood up to his bosses. It was time somebody set the record straight.
- Danny: That night was the only time I ever heard my father cry. And still to this day, you still tell it like it is.
- Rose: I don't mean to hurt people. Really.
- [Danny scoffs at her and heads to the front door]
- Rose: Where are you going?
- Danny: To Halstead. A friend of mine owns a jewelry shop. He owes me a favor. I'm gonna make him open up his store. Then I'm gonna buy the biggest engagement ring I can afford. Then I'm gonna ask Theresa Luna to be my wife. Just telling it like it is, ma.
- [he exits]
- Father Strapovic: You feel threatened by Theresa.
- Rose: Threatened?
- Father Strapovic: Yes. See, she's taking up a lot of Danny's time, so you're feeling threatened that she's trying to steal your son.
- Rose: What?
- Father Strapovic: Rose, I know you realize it's the nineties, I'm just not sure you realize it's the *nineteen* nineties.
- Danny: I suppose you're proud of yourself.
- Rose: Just telling it like it is.
- Danny: That's been your excuse for the last 67 years.
- Rose: My excuse?
- Danny: Your excuse for hurting people whenever the hell you feel like it!
- Rose: I don't hurt people.
- Danny: Oh no? I guess you didn't hurt Aunt Dolly on her wedding day when you said she looked like a, uh, a cheap Las Vegas hooker.
- Rose: Well, did you see the wedding dress? The back of it was cut right down to here. You could see the crack of her - Well, it was indecent.
- Danny: And I guess you didn't hurt cousin Jerry when you called his German wife a Nazi who probably slept with Hitler.
- Rose: Well, there's no proof that she didn't.
- Danny: [prepares for the big one] I guess you never hurt dad, either.
- Rose: [shuts the fridge door, stern] I *never* hurt your father, ever.
- Danny: Florsheim Shoes?
- Rose: [surprised] How do you know about that?
- Danny: You came home late. You were arguing and I woke up. I was scared. I didn't know what was going on, so I listened in at the door.
- Rose: A little spy.
- Danny: Come on, I was only 12.
- Rose: Spy!
- Danny: Florsheim Shoes was his big account. He worked on that for over two-and-a-half years.
- Rose: Danny.
- Danny: You blew it for him in one night.
- Rose: Danny, don't.
- Danny: And all he had to do was sign a deal at dinner. One fancy schmancy dinner with the VP from Florsheim.
- Rose: [attempts to leave the kitchen] I'm going to bed.
- Danny: [blocks her way out] No, you're not. Everything was fine that evening. Dinner was perfect. Dad had him at the palm of his hand. Until you decided it was time to tell it like it is.
- Rose: Oh, that's a lovely dress you wearing.
- Danny: Isn't it?
- Theresa: Oh, thank you!
- Rose: Even though it is a little big on top.
- Danny: Ma!
- Rose: Well, it is, you said so yourself.
- Danny: Ma!
- Theresa: No, no that's a problem I have, I'm not really that endowed on top.
- Danny: No, no, no, no, no.
- Rose: You're built like a thirteen year old boy.
- Nick Acropolis: Rose! Rose, I am trying again. Will you please accept these flowers?
- Rose: I don't want them. And I don't date Greeks.
- Nick Acropolis: You know, you and I could make each other so happy. Greek men are great lovers.
- Rose: And Greek men never bathe.
- Nick Acropolis: I bathe twice a day! Three times! When I do my sit-ups. Feel that stomach. Hard like an eighteen-year-old's. Come on, feel it!
- Rose: I'm not feeling anything of yours.
- Danny: [takes both his mother and Theresa out to dinner for them to meet for the first time] Ma, this is Theresa. Theresa, this is my mother.
- Theresa: [smiles, shaking her hand] Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Muldoon.
- Rose: Rose. I'm Rose.
- Theresa: Rose.
- Rose: Mm-hmm. Oh, that's a lovely dress you're wearing.
- Theresa: Oh, thank you.
- Rose: Even though it is a little big on top.
- Danny: Ma.
- Rose: Well, it is. You said so yourself.
- Theresa: No, that's a-a problem I have. I'm really not that endowed on top.
- Rose: You're built like a thirteen-year-old boy.
- Danny: Ma, would you please don't start?
- Rose: It's a joke. I'm trying to make jokes here. I'm trying to lighten things up a little.
- [the waiter arrives to take their drink orders and Theresa requests a vodka double on the rocks]
- Rose: A vodka drinker.
- Danny: Well, ma, Theresa's probably a little nervous, you know, being here with us and all. You know, you can understand that.
- Rose: It's the first signs of alcoholism.
- Danny: What?
- Rose: I read it in Reader's Digest.
- Theresa: Rose, I can assure you I'm not an alcoholic.
- Rose: Oh, denial - that's another symptom. The article said that one shot of vodka was equal to all of the calories in a ham sandwich.
- Theresa: [laughs] Good. Maybe then I'll gain some weight and grow breasts for you.
- [Rose looks at her distastefully and says nothing]