- [upon finding themselves stuck in the desert, and needing transportation]
- Rubin Farr: Can't you just call The Organization? Have them come pick us up?
- Ed Tuttle: Just... give 'em a buzz, tell 'em I'm stuck in the middle of the desert with an asswipe and a frozen cat.
- Ed: Ever wonder why people wear clothes?
- Rubin: Nope.
- Ed: But...well, look at it this way. Man's best friend is his apparel. Now, you start to dress for success, and you will score with the babes, and make the big bucks. You gotta admit that's true!
- Rubin: I don't have to admit that.
- Ed: You have to admit that!
- Rubin: No, I don't!
- Ed: Yes, you do!
- Rubin: I don't have to admit anything!
- Ed: You have to admit there's hair on your head!
- Rubin: No, I don't!
- Ed: Yes, you do! You have to admit that!
- Rubin: No, I don't!
- Ed: But you have to admit your cat's dead! He's deader than a doornail! That cat is colder than a well digger's ass! Pretty hard to deny that isn't it, Mr. Smartypants? Yep. Deceased. El morto. No more Mr. Kittycat.
- Ed: You know what the biggest difference between me and a rich man is? He has my bitchy wife and I don't! And if he were smart, he would ask himself why!
- Rubin's Mother: Why don't you go out and make yourself a friend?
- Rubin: No!
- RM: Yes!
- Rubin: No!
- RM: Well then take out the trash.
- Ed: You know what the biggest difference between you and a rich man is? He has money and you don't! And if you were smart, you would ask yourself why!
- Ed Tuttle: [seeing a reflection on a mountain in the distance] Yep, there's an asswipe up there.
- [Rubin and Ed arrive late to an indoor seminar hosted by Mr. Busta. They join the seated audience]
- Ed: [to Mr. Busta] Car's back, everything's cool
- Mr. Busta: [Smiles and then talks to the audience] Tonight I'd like to introduce you to a couple of old friends. Who's the biggest failure in this room?
- Rubin: Raise your hand, Ed
- [Embarrassed, Ed punches Rubin's thigh]
- Mr. Busta: I don't see many hands going up. That's because nobody has taught you that the secret to success is to fail and keep trying. If you haven't failed, you haven't tried
- Ed: [Sarcastically] Well that's really profound, sure worth $3000
- Mr. Busta: [to Ed alone] Let me tell you something, pal. You don't like what I'm saying you can leave, nobody's forcing you to stay here
- Rubin: [Stands] Good
- Ed: [Pulls Rubin down] Sit!
- Mr. Busta: [to his associate] Alright this has gone far enough, would you escort Mr. Tuttle and his friend to the door, please?
- Ed: [to the associate] You touch me,
- [to Mr. Busta]
- Ed: and I'll sue you into a coma. I paid my money and I'm staying
- Mr. Busta: Then be quiet
- Ed: Ok, fine, it's your seminar. We'll be quiet, won't we Rubin.
- [Mr. Busta smiles]
- Ed: Quiet as clams
- Mr. Busta: [Friendly] Good
- Ed: [to Rubin] Not a peep
- Mr. Busta: [Sternly] Good
- Ed: Quiet as a well-digger's ass
- Mr. Busta: [Angrily] Will you shut up?
- Ed: Sure
- Mr. Busta: [yells] Success!
- Audience: Success!
- Rubin: Is there an echo in here?
- Mr. Busta: [yells] Real estate!
- Audience: Real estate!
- Mr. Busta: [yells] The power of positive real estate! The PPR! The organization
- [the audience claps]