- Flakfizer: Lillian, I could make love to you right here.
- Lillian Oglethorpe: Roland, let's keep this professional.
- Flakfizer: Fine. I'll charge you fifty bucks a pop.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: And that spells cash with a capital...
- Jacques: K!
- Roland T. Flakfizer: You should go back to school.
- Jacques: I hated teaching.
- Lillian Oglethorpe: Then it's settled. I am so excited.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: You're excited? Feel these nipples.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: So, do you enjoy being a cab driver?
- Rocco Melonchek: Nah. As soon as I get my driver's license, I'm quitting.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: Dear Lillian, soon I hope to take you on a Carribbean cruise, where we can hold hands on a soft summer's evening and watch that old Jamaican moon. Why that old Jamaican will be mooning us, I have no idea.
- [Wondering where Flakfizer has hidden his lover]
- Lazlo: Ah! Your suite!
- Roland T. Flakfizer: You're pretty terrific yourself.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: If there's anything I can ever do for you... forget it, because I don't do those kinds of things.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: And she looks like she's about 15.
- Lazlo: No, no, no.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: OK, 14 then. In fact I know she's 14, because I was dating her a year ago.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: Behind every great man there is a woman, and thank heaven I have Lillian Oglethorpe, because, quite frankly, I enjoy the shade.
- [the amount on a taxi meter is rising quickly]
- Roland T. Flakfizer: Aren't those numbers going by a little fast?
- Rocco Melonchek: You're probably just a speed reader.
- Flakfizer: [Talking on cellular phone] How did the market close?... Uh-huh. Well, roll over my amalgamated, split my utilities, and double my capital venture overlays. Now call me in an hour, and tell me what the hell I'm talking about!
- Volare: Do you realize what I was doing at the age of seven?
- Roland T. Flakfizer: I can imagine and you must be thankful you didn't go blind.
- Volare: I was dancing professionally.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: Whatever you call it. Flogging the carrot, polishing the cuestick, choking the chicken, clearing the snorkel... but I didn't come back here to rehash good times!
- Roland T. Flakfizer: You can be my chauffeur.
- Rocco Melonchek: How much?
- Roland T. Flakfizer: 200 bucks a week.
- Rocco Melonchek: 600.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: 300.
- Jacques: 400.
- Rocco Melonchek: 800.
- Jacques: 900.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: Wait a minute, wait a minute! Shouldn't I be in this negotiation somewhere? 350 and not a penny more.
- Rocco Melonchek: I'll take it.
- Jacques: What happened to one thousand?
- Rocco Melonchek: I allow for taxes. I want four weeks in advance.
- Jacques: Five weeks.
- Rocco Melonchek: Six weeks.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: Hold it, hold it, I'm giving you one minute to stop all this!
- Rocco Melonchek: Two minutes.
- Jacques: Five minutes.
- Rocco Melonchek: Seven minutes.
- Jacques: Nine minutes.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: I've stepped into my own private living hell...
- Rocco: Charity work. I gather these for those less fortunate than myself who can't afford pornography.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: Flakfizer doesn't know the MEANING of the word "No!" We're also a little fuzzy on "panaglutin" and "viscosity."
- Rocco Melonchek: We'll have to perform a full rectum-ology.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: Fondue, an epidemic! drop those pants... Not you, the patient.
- Doctor: I thought you were cardiologists...
- Rocco Melonchek: Uh, well, they're all connected, we enter the rectum and head north.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: Why do you think we have such long instruments?
- Rocco: [as a dog rips his trouser leg] What a charming little animal.
- Lillian Oglethorpe: Do you know dogs, Mister Melonchek?
- Rocco: Know dogs? I used to be a chef in a Korean restaurant!
- Jacques: What about me?
- Roland T. Flakfizer: To show you no favoritism, Rocco and I will also split your salary 50/50.
- Jacques: Thanks!
- Roland T. Flakfizer: That should you keep you out of a high-income bracket. Come to think of it, that you should keep you out of any income bracket!
- Jacques: Society's to blame.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: Too much violence in the movies.
- Rocco Melonchek: It's my environment.
- Jacques: We were carrying out orders!
- Roland T. Flakfizer: It's the Japanese. They're buying up everything.
- Rocco Melonchek: Did we leave anything out?
- Roland T. Flakfizer: You're not going to try and cheat me or anything.
- Rocco Melonchek: I give you my word as a gentleman.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: Well, you had me until then.
- Usherette: Five and six.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: Eleven. Now it's your turn: twenty-five and sixty-seven.
- Rocco Melonchek: [checking Mrs. Oglethorpe's pulse] I don't feel a thing. This woman is dead!
- Flakfizer: You're holding *his* wrist!
- Rocco Melonchek: Then this man is dead!
- Lazlo: I will do whatever is best for the ballet!
- Roland T. Flakfizer: Well, there's no reason to commit suicide.
- Roland T. Flakfizer: To show you no hard feelings, how about a cigar?
- Lazlo: I don't smoke!
- Roland T. Flakfizer: Well, I do. Why don't you run out and get me one?