Quotes

Stuart Saves His Family

[Stuart is trying to calm his overweight sister Jodie on the phone]
Stuart Smalley: Okay, Jodie, I would never ordinarily say this, but... is there any way you can get to a pound cake?

Stuart Smalley: [narrating] My father grew up in the Great Depression - his mother's.

[Stuart serves a patron in a restaurant]
Stuart Smalley: Have you had enough time to look at the menu?
Patron: We've had enough time to memorize the menu.
Stuart Smalley: I'm sorry, I'm having a personal crisis. Can I take your order?
Patron: For my wife, the Penne Arrabiata; and I will try the osso buco.
Stuart Smalley: You know, the osso buco is extremely fatty. You might want to try...
Patron: I'll TRY the osso buco. And also the mixed baby field greens.
Stuart Smalley: Lo-cal vinaigrette?
Patron: Creamy Caesar.
Stuart Smalley: On the side?
Patron: ON THE SALAD.
Stuart Smalley: Thank you.
Patron: And I'd like another double-scotch.
Stuart Smalley: [smiling] No.

Stuart Smalley: When it comes to partying, no one gets down like people in recovery.

[Opening of Stuart's show "Daily Affirmations"]
Stuart Smalley: I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am an attractive person. I am fun to be with.

Stuart Smalley: Because what they say is really true - it is easier to put on slippers than to carpet the entire world.

Julia: We'd all like to go home and save our families, but we can't. We're just not that powerful.

Mom Smalley: If I do this, and it doesn't work, he's going to make my life hell.
Intervention Counseler: How's your life now?

Stuart Smalley: But today, I've decided to take a risk, and wear a new sweater. It was sent to me by a recovering sex addict, Melissa D., who knitted it herself; she said it gave her something to do with her hands.

[Stuart reads a fan letter]
Stuart Smalley: "Dear Stuart, your show gave me the courage to feel my feelings, and to feel my feelings about my feelings, and my feelings about my feelings about my feelings. And my..."
[Stuart skips ahead]
Stuart Smalley: "God bless you, Amanda Q."

Stuart Smalley: I want you to look in that mirror, and I want you to repeat after me: "I am a worthy human being."
Mea C.: [barely audible] I am a worthy human being.
Stuart Smalley: Okay, I really couldn't hear you. Try again.
Mea C.: I am a worthy human being?
Stuart Smalley: No, Mia, it's not a question. Try it again.
Mea C.: I am... I'm sorry, what is the second part?
Stuart Smalley: Worthy human being. I am a worth human being. Just say it.
Mea C.: I'm sorry, am I saying it to you, or to myself?
Stuart Smalley: Just say it. I am a worthy human being.
Mea C.: I am a worthy human being.
Stuart Smalley: Okay, louder.
Mea C.: I am a worthy human being.
Stuart Smalley: Mean it.
Mea C.: I am a worthy human being.
Stuart Smalley: Believe it.
Mea C.: [screams] I HATE YOU, MOM.
[low]
Mea C.: Sorry.

Stuart Smalley: I'm going to die homeless and penniless. I'm still twenty-five pounds overweight. No one will ever love me. I could just kill myself.
Julia: Stuart, that is just "stinkin' thinkin'."

Stuart Smalley: Oh, Julia, you don't know Roz. She's like a cootie, or something.

Stuart Smalley: [narrating] When the big night finally arrived, Dad had a new nickname for me.
Dad Smalley: Here we go. Is Sir Eat-A-Lot getting a little nervous?
Young Donnie: Ha, ha, ha. "Sir Eat-A-Lot."
Stuart Smalley: [narrating] I was already nostalgic for "Waste of Space."

Stuart Smalley: So, basically, the strategy is: you get me to lie, because if I don't, everyone goes to jail for perjury?

Dad Smalley: Why don't you pick on somebody with pubic hair?
Mr. Dimmit - Flashbacks: What?
Dad Smalley: You gonna give me the ball? Or would you like me to shove it up your ass?
[starts rolling up his sleeve]
Dad Smalley: Wanna hear my preference?

Suggest an edit or add missing content