- Jimmy Emmett: Any time it rains, or when there's thunder and lightning, or when it snows, I have to jack off.
- [last lines]
- Lydia Mertz: But it's really something when you think that... I'm the one who's gonna be famous. Suzanne would die if she knew.
- Lydia Mertz: Suzanne used to say that you're not really anybody in America unless you're on TV... 'cause what's the point of doing anything worthwhile if there's nobody watching? So when people are watching, it makes you a better person. So if everybody was on TV all the time, everybody would be better people. But, if everybody was on TV all the time, there wouldn't be anybody left to watch, and that's where I get confused.
- Suzanne Stone: You're not anybody in America unless you're on TV. On TV is where we learn about who we really are. Because what's the point of doing anything worthwhile if nobody's watching? And if people are watching, it makes you a better person.
- Suzanne Stone: You know Mr. Gorbachev, the guy that ran Russia for so long? I am a firm believer that he would still be in power today if he had had that ugly purple thing taken off his head.
- Lydia Mertz: [about Jimmy] He says that he needs to see you and that he's dying of love.
- Suzanne Stone: Ughhh! Tell him to call a doctor.
- Lydia Mertz: And Russell wants his money, and his CDs.
- Suzanne Stone: Really? Well, you tell Russell if he doesn't keep his mouth shut, he's gonna be playing his goddamn CDs in the gas chamber!
- Janice Maretto: [about Suzanne designing her wedding ring] ... it was round... and gold... I mean, big fucking deal!
- Suzanne Stone: [to Lydia about Russell and Jimmy] It's their word against mine. Who are they? Bunch of 16-year-old losers who grew up in trailers whose parents sit around drinking and screwing their cousins!
- [laughs]
- Suzanne Stone: I'm a professional person, for Christ's sake. I come from a good home. Who do you think a jury would believe?
- Suzanne Stone: [to Lydia in the dressing room] Well, you grow up, you know? You think it's all gonna be like a fairytale. Like you're Sleeping Beauty, and along comes this Prince Charming, and he looks at you, and it's night time, and he smiles at you and kisses you.
- Lydia Mertz: Yeah, I - I know that story.
- Suzanne Stone: And then... then you wake up... and it's daylight... and you look at him. It's just when you work all day, trying to perfect yourself and create something meaningful, you expect some support. Does anyone ever say "Did you have a good shoot today?" or "How's the editing going?" or *anything* of that nature?
- Lydia Mertz: I guess not.
- Suzanne Stone: No. I mean, the point is... Larry is a nice guy, you know? But he just doesn't know a thing about television.
- Suzanne Stone: It's nice to live in a country where life, liberty... and all the rest of it still stand for something.
- Suzanne Stone: Hi. My name is Suzanne Maretto. No, wait. I'm sorry. Suzanne Maretto is my married name. My own name... is Suzanne Stone. That's my professional name. Suzanne Stone. It's not like I have any negative feelings about the name Maretto. Maretto is the name, after all... of my husband... who I loved... very, very much.
- [sniffles]
- Suzanne Stone: Sorry. It's also the name of his parents, Joe and Angela Maretto... and of his lovely and talented sister, Janice Maretto... who have been like a second family to me... and who I regard as I do my own family... particularly since my recent tragedy. I knew just through knowing and being related to them. They have given me what I think is a very precious and valuable insight... into the different kinds of ethnic relationships... that are part of the very things that I've been trying to explore... as a member of the professional media.
- [first lines]
- Suzanne Stone: [narrating] Here's what I found out. That all of life is a learning experience. Everything is part of a *big master plan.* But sometimes... Well, it's hard to read. I mean, it's like if you get too close to the screen, all you can see is a bunch of little dots. You don't see the big picture until you stand back. But when you do, everything comes into focus.
- [speaking to camera]
- Suzanne Stone: Hi, my name is Suzanne Maretto. No, wait, I'm sorry.
- [smirks]
- Suzanne Stone: Suzanne Maretto is my married name. My own name is Suzanne Stone. That's my professional name.
- [enunciating]
- Suzanne Stone: Suzanne. Stone.
- [confidential tone]
- Suzanne Stone: It's not like I have any negative feelings about the name Maretto.
- [flashback to wedding]
- Suzanne Stone: Maretto is the name, after all, of my husband...
- [cut to corpse which lies staring blankly]
- Suzanne Stone: who I loved... very, very much.
- [sniffles]
- Suzanne Stone: Um. Heh. Sorry.
- [smiles]
- Suzanne Stone: I'm planning to start this exercise class so I can get rid of a few pounds myself.
- Joe Maretto: [chuckles] From where? Your feet?
- [wife Angela adds to laughter]
- Suzanne Stone: On TV, the camera adds five pounds.
- Lydia Mertz: [shunted out the door] What about the TV show in California and everything?
- Suzanne Stone: Aw, Liddy, get real!
- [at a family pool party]
- Angela Maretto: That's a real pretty outfit, honey.
- Suzanne Stone: Thanks.
- Larry Maretto: [calling out to Suzanne with a burger] You want one of these?
- Suzanne Stone: No, thanks.
- Larry Maretto: [patting the kid he's holding] What about one of these?
- [to kid]
- Larry Maretto: You're going in the pool.
- Suzanne Stone: No, thanks.
- [Angela chuckles]
- Angela Maretto: [to Suzanne] He sure is great with those kids.
- Suzanne Stone: He's gotta stop eating that junk. He's getting a rubber tire around him.
- Angela Maretto: He'll make a wonderful father someday.
- Suzanne Stone: He calls them love handles. I call them flab.
- Angela Maretto: What about you?
- Suzanne Stone: [horrified] Me? You think I look fat?
- Angela Maretto: No! What about the idea of kids? That's what I mean.
- Suzanne Stone: Well, I love kids. I absolutely love them, but a woman in my field with a baby has two strikes against her. Say I'm in New York.
- Angela Maretto: [confused] New York?
- Suzanne Stone: Well, for instance. And I'm suddenly called on some foreign assignment, like a royal wedding or a revolution in South America. You can't run from place to place with your crew following and conduct serious interviews with a big, fat stomach.
- [Angela looks increasingly disturbed]
- Suzanne Stone: Or say you've already had the baby, and you've got this blubber, these boobs out to here. It's just so gross.
- Janice Maretto: [regarding Suzanne's dog Walter] It was like a hairball picked up by some demon from hell.
- Lydia Mertz: Mrs. Maretto bought me lots of nice stuff. Like this... ankle bracelet, for instance.
- [shows]
- Lydia Mertz: And a bottle of real expensive perfume - a "scent", she called it - which I'm saving for a special occasion. No one ever really... bought me stuff before... except my Mom's boyfriend, Chester, who got me for my birthday, when I was twelve, a bottle of something called Garden of Eden body oil, which he said would be good for my skin... and... which he wanted to show me how to use... which I let him do.
- Janice Maretto: [being interviewed about Suzanne] First impressions in one word? You really want to know? Four letters, begins with "C."
- [beat]
- Janice Maretto: Cold. C-O-L-D. Cold.
- Suzanne Stone: [to Ed after her interview in a deadly serious tone] I believe that in our fast-moving computer age it is the medium of television that joins together the global community, and it is the television journalist who serves as messenger bringing the world into our homes and our homes into the world. It has always been my dream to become such a messenger. I look to you, gentlemen, now to make that dream a reality.
- [turns around and dramatically exits the TV station]
- Ed Grant: Well, Suzanne, I sure pity the person that says no to you.
- Suzanne Stone: No one ever does.
- [smiles]
- Suzanne Stone: [to the camera] The point is that, for instance, Connie Chung, who is married, I believe, to Maury Povich, the well-known interviewer, doesn't say: Hello, this is Connie Povich with the news. Now, does she? And I don't think she would be embarrassed by it because she's already pretty ethnic when you think about it. Or to take another example, someone who doesn't have an ethnic bone in her body. There's Jane Pauley... .
- [chuckles]
- Suzanne Stone: ... who I strongly relate to because, you know, we have similar physical traits. Although I don't have to struggle with the weight problem like she does. And she also, to the best of my knowledge, has never identified herself, audience-wise, as Jane Trudeau even though her husband, Mr. Trudeau, is a prominent cartoonist of some kind, and not, as so many people believe, the ex-president of Canada. So, what I'm saying is this: There are some people who never know who they are or who they wanna be until it's too late. And that is a real tragedy in my book, because I always knew who I was and who I wanted to be. Always.
- [Hit man calls Maretto's to say the "job" is done]
- Joe Maretto: [answers phone at restaurant] Maretto's.
- Man at Lake: [in Italian] What happened? Duck is in the water. Don't worry.
- [talking about Suzanne and her husband Larry]
- Russel Hines: I bet he jumps her all the time, you know? Like after dinner, just bang, right on the kitchen table. Fucking during even.
- Jimmy Emmett: Yeah. Maybe both.
- Russel Hines: Those skinny bitches, they can't get enough of it. They're always wanting it. That's a medical fact.
- Jimmy Emmett: Yeah.
- Russel Hines: It's because the nerves in their body are all bunched up in their snatch. You know what I mean? They're all right up in there, so they're all whack.
- Mr. H. Finlaysson: Now, here's some advice, Russell dear. That nice Mrs. Maretto is married to a boy, whose father is a pillar of the ltalian-American community, and if he knew how you had insulted his only beloved daughter-in-law, he would make one phone call, and a man with a big knife would show up in the middle of the night, and turn you into a eunuch. You know what a eunuch is? Of course you don't. You can find it in the dictionary. If you don't know how to spell it, you can look it up under nutless wonders.